a letter to you

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

it's a letter to my father that died at a young age due to als...

A letter to you

 

Looking back at those days is not easy for me. I’ve grown older, got wiser and learned that life is just a moment and found peace with it. Yet, when I think of you I still can’t find peace. Pictures are popping up of all the beautiful, funny moments and those very hurtful ones. These pictures are not only pictures of you. I see mom. I see my sister and myself. I see Lisa, our loving dog. I see all the family and friends and… I see their eyes when they were looking at you. I remember them crying or hiding their tears. I remember their false smiles and laughs to cheer us up… To cheer you up. But I understand them. Even today, after all the loses, I still can’t find the right words to say to someone who is ill or to someone who lost a loved person. Because the pain is eternal. You can’t wash it away. You just learn to live with it.

And then there are days like today, where everything just comes up and I would cry my eyes out, but I can’t. I am not someone who cries. Remember when I lost the money on my way home and was crying like a baby? I was 10, I think. I came home, and you were alone. And you were looking at me because you could not talk. I looked into your eyes and understood that you wanted to know why I cry. When I told you the reason, you gave me a sign to take the vocabulary for children, that mom bought for my sister. I took it and started going over the letters with my finger waiting for your blink to show me when to stop. This was how we communicated with you at the end. And so, letter by letter, we would form a word, and word by word a sentence. Remember what you wanted to say to me that day? You said: “Don’t cry!” You could not speak, you could not move, you could not hug me. Yet, you managed to put a smile on my face and stop my tears. Some days later, I found the money stuck in my glove. Since then, I never cried again when something bad happened because I knew that eventually, all pain will go away, and the sun will shine again. It always did.

So, don’t be mad at me when I think of you and I can’t cry. I do it for you. I smile when I think of you. Even in hard times, I will always smile because your days were harder and yet you put a smile on my face. I do it in your honor.

You know, I read some days ago that they made huge progress in understanding ALS. They still did not find a cure, but it is a great sign that they are on the right way. And you know, that day, when they do, I am quite sure that I will cry. And laugh at the same time. I pray for all the people affected and their loved ones. And I pray for you! Every day! With a smile!

I love you baba! And I miss you! I always will.

Your daughter


Submitted: February 01, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Lilly Liu. All rights reserved.

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Comments

niah

That was beautifully written and so sad I'm not much of a crier myself but I had tears in my eyes, and my heart goes out to you I know what it is like to lose your father it's not something one gets over no matter how long they have been gone.

Fri, February 5th, 2021 8:57am

Lilly Liu

Thank you for your comment! I am not really much of a writer but when I wrote this letter, I had the urge to share it with someone because I can't share it with the person it's meant for...

Fri, February 5th, 2021 9:07am

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Essay / True Confessions