Brian, Contra Episode 8

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Brian and Lindsay plan to use Nina and Savannah as spies at Loveman’s corporate HQ. Nina tries to overcome deep shame as she gathers intelligence for Spencer. Lindsay and Savannah find it difficult to work together in the aftermath of their breakup.







“I found that essence rare, it's what I looked for. I knew I'd get what I asked for! Aim for the country fair, you read it in the paper. The worst thing happens any week, a scandal on the front page. See the happy pair smiling close, like they are monkeys. They wouldn't think so but they're holding themselves down”

  • Jon King


(We open Nina pouring out her makeup bag on a bathroom counter. She takes out her lipstick, twists the cap off and extends it. Cut to her applying it to her lips. She smacks her lips, then starts applying mascara. She’s halfway through detailing her right eye when she stops and grips the porcelain of the counter. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She takes a gulp. She clears her throat and returns to doing her mascara. Cut to Brian waking up in Nina’s bed. He sees half her sheets undone, and an empty side of the bed where Nina was. He sits up and sees the bathroom light on. He turns Nina’s alarm clock toward himself and he sees the digital display says that it’s 7:15 AM. He moves the blinds aside and sees that it’s barely sunrise. He shuffles out of bed, wearing only his pajama pants and walks into the bathroom, seeing Nina doing her mascara)


BRIAN: Hey, what are you doing up?


(Brian hugs Nina from behind)


NINA: I need to get the kids ready for school.


BRIAN: Don’t they usually wake up at eight?


NINA: Brian, I’m trying to do my makeup, do you mind?


BRIAN: Oh. (Brian removes his arms from Nina) Sorry. (Nina returns to doing her mascara) I guess I’ll get dressed. You want me to leave before they wake up?


(Nina sighs)


NINA: If you don’t mind. I don’t want to confuse them.


(Brian nods and walks out of the room. Nina stops applying her mascara, rubs her nose and leans against the counter with her eyes closed. Cut to Brian sitting at Annex, wearing a blue-and-white striped polo shirt and scratching the back of his neck with irritation. Annex is completely empty save for Lindsay, Jack, Nina and Savannah. Savannah and Lindsay are seated to Brian’s left and right while Jack and Nina are behind the bar)


BRIAN: …Goddamnit…


LINDSAY: Do you not know how to dress casually?


BRIAN: I’m used to wearing a suit every day, my dad was very strict about that.


LINDSAY: It’s been weeks.


BRIAN: These tags on the back drive me fucking crazy.


JACK: I saw a stand-up comedian remark about that at a comedy club the other night- (Jack chuckles) it was pretty good.


(Awkward pause)


SAVANNAH: …Didn’t we close Annex down for a reason?


LINDSAY: WE did, yes. I don’t know what YOU did.


BRIAN: Jesus, just make out already.


(Brian laughs and offers a high-five to Nina. Nina smirks and lightly taps Brian’s hand, much to his disappointment)


LINDSAY: No way, gross.


SAVANNAH: Are you fifteen?!


LINDSAY: Let’s focus on why we’re here. We’ve gathered you all here because we trust you. Most of you, anyway. (Savannah rolls her eyes) We can trust you to carry out your part of the plan and keep your mouths shut.


(Nina tenses up and rubs her neck)


BRIAN: After weeks of planning, I think we’re ready to take down Loveman.


NINA: Can we go over it just one more time?


LINDSAY: Why?! We’ve gone over it plenty of times, there’s no reason to beat a dead horse, I think we all get it-


BRIAN: Lindsay. (Brian grabs Lindsay’s shoulder) It’s okay. We can go over it one more time.


(Bertha walks out of the women’s room and plops down next to Lindsay)


BERTHA: We going over it again?


NINA: Just one more time.


BERTHA: I got it the first time.


SAVANNAH: You’re barely involved!

BERTHA: I know! Just saying…


LINDSAY: So, we all know that Loveman is a big rich prick, right?


BRIAN: Not that there’s anything wrong with that, he just happens to be bad.


LINDSAY: There is something fundamentally wrong with it.


SAVANNAH: Inherently immoral, yeah.


BRIAN: I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware we worked for the Politburo!


BERTHA: If only.


BRIAN: Easy! Easy does it!


LINDSAY: So, we figure that a man with that much money must have things to hide. All of them do. We just have to look for it.


BRIAN: That’s where Nina and Savannah come in. They’re hot.


SAVANNAH: Come on.


NINA: On a scale of one-to-ten? Where are we?


SAVANNAH: Come on, Nina, don’t degrade yourself like that.


(Nina fixes her hair)


NINA: You’re just afraid I’ll score higher.


(Savannah rolls her eyes and sits back)


LINDSAY: So, we forced Winslow to go in there and steal some stuff from the janitor’s closet, causing the whole janitorial team to get fired.


BRIAN: Wow, what a friend of the proletariat you are, Trotsky.


LINDSAY: Hey! I hired them all, didn’t I!?


JACK: Yeah, but half of them quit after the first day once I made them clean out all the syringes from the ball pit.


(Savannah sighs and shakes her head)




BRIAN: Well, this is where you guys come in. Bertha was kind enough to lend you guys the maid outfits from when Bertha worked for the maid’s service.


(Bertha picks up two maid outfits in plastic dry-cleaning bags- with “NYC CLEAN COMPANY” stitched on the back of each)


BERTHA: Now you guys have your own janitor service. Janitors, maids, close enough.


BRIAN: So, you’ll go to your interview, get hired hopefully, and then clean the offices.


SAVANNAH: This is so cool, it’s like we’re spies!


NINA: You sure Loveman won’t recognize us?


BRIAN: He hasn’t met either of you, and even if he somehow recognized you, you’ll be wearing wigs.


(Lindsay takes out a briefcase, flips it open and reveals a set of blonde, black, brown and red wigs)


NINA: Wow- this really is James Bond shit.


BRIAN: So what’ll it be, ladies? Pussy Galore or Holly Goodhead?


NINA: Brian.


BRIAN: Sorry.


(Lindsay closes the briefcase)


LINDSAY: Once you’re in the big man’s office alone, then you can plant the listening device.


(Lindsay takes out a small microphone)


NINA: Where the hell did you get a listening device?!


LINDSAY: Some Russians in Howard Beach sold it to me.


(Lindsay puts the bug back in his pocket)


SAVANNAH: Oh my God, what the fuck are we doing- this is awesome! (Savannah drums on the bar and smiles widely) Look at us, taking down the big guy.


LINDSAY: I can’t wait until we can take down our oppressors and become the oppressors ourselves.


NINA: I can get behind that.


BRIAN: After you guys place the bug, feel free to snoop around for any information that might be useful- but don’t leave a mess you can’t clean up.


NINA: What about taking a big ol’ shit on his desk?


BRIAN: That’s fucking sick, but unfortunately no, we can’t risk that.


LINDSAY: Well, I mean, hear her out.


BRIAN: We don’t have time, we gotta do the mock job interviews. I call Nina!


SAVANNAH: I call Lindsay!


(Lindsay stares at Savannah)


LINDSAY: Really?!


SAVANNAH: Who am I gonna do it with, Jack?


(Jack knowingly shakes his head)


BERTHA: What about me? I’m technically your boss, already, sweetheart.


SAVANNAH: Yeah, but you’re always naked around me at work, which is- something I might have to get used to from bosses in the American workplace, actually.


BRIAN: I’m sorry, Bertha, you’re always WHAT at work?!


BERTHA: Please, nobody tell him where I work.


(Cut to an office building in Manhattan. One of the major companies represented on the marble sign out front is “Loveman Amusements”. A van pulls up across the street- decorated with a logo for a place called “Inconspicuous Brothers Plumbing”- featuring a cartoon of two plumbers with question marks over their faces, shrugging and holding plungers. The van doors facing away from the building slide open, revealing Brian, Lindsay, Nina and Savannah, all with walkie-talkies. Nina and Savannah are dressed in maid outfits and Savannah wears a black wig and Nina wears a blonde one. They jump out of the van and stuff the walkie-talkies in their pockets)


BRIAN: Alright, you got your identities memorized?


NINA: Yes.


SAVANNAH: Si, senores.


LINDSAY: Try not to talk too much, Savannah. Just in general.


(Savannah glares at Lindsay)


BRIAN: Alright, go. We’ll be down the street.


(Brian slides the doors closed and the van speeds off)


NINA: Here goes! Oooh, isn’t this fun?


(Nina and Savannah walk toward the office building)


SAVANNAH: I’m actually kind of nervous now that this is real and we’re really doing this.


(Nina lightly shoves Savannah’s shoulder)


NINA: Look at us, couple o’ gals on a caper!


(Cut to Nina and Savannah sitting in a cramped office, in front of a desk manned by an overweight dude with a gray work shirt and a mustache. His plaque reads “SHANE BILLINGS- BUILDING MANAGER”. He’s looking over their resumes)


SHANE: …So you guys represent a contractor?


NINA: Yeah, we’re two broke girls in the big city!


(Nina laughs to herself)


SAVANNAH: (Fake Hispanic accent) Everything should be in order, yes?


(Shane puts on his reading glasses)


SHANE: What’s that?


SAVANNAH: Is everything in order?


(Shane shrugs)


SHANE: I guess so.


SAVANNAH: Because we’re all above-board. Certified and everything.


(Shane narrows his eyes)


SHANE: Certified to do what, clean up puddles of piss?


(Savannah is caught off guard and Nina rubs her forehead in exasperation)




NINA: We’re certified to officiate weddings, if necessary.


(Savannah reluctantly nods in agreement)


SHANE: …You perform weddings?


NINA: We can, yes. It’s part of our brand, it sets us apart and all that there.


SHANE: …Well, that’s not gonna be necessary here.


SAVANNAH: …Listen, please, we just want to make some money-


SHANE: Can you start tomorrow?


SAVANNAH: And I swear to you- what?


NINA: Absolutely! (Nina excitedly shakes Shane’s hand as he nods politely. Shane shakes Savannah’s limp hand, as she awkwardly smiles and processes the turn of events. Cut to Nina and Savannah walking down the street across from the office building) Jesus, Savannah, let me do the talking, next time.


SAVANNAH: I’m sorry, I don’t know how to banter like you do, I was home-schooled.


NINA: Really?


SAVANNAH: Yeah, my dad didn’t trust public schools. He also told me not to trust him, because authority figures are not to be trusted.


NINA: …So your whole punk thing?


SAVANNAH: It wasn’t a rebellion at all, yeah.


(The van pulls up and the doors slide open)


BRIAN: Get in!


(Savannah and Nina climb in and the van speeds off. Cut to inside the van)


NINA: Being whisked away in a van in broad daylight, this IS New York City!


(Lindsay takes out the bug)


LINDSAY: Keep this in a safe place until you can use it, tomorrow.


BRIAN: Remember your identities for tomorrow, and anything you established during the interview.


SAVANNAH: So, if anybody asks us to officiate a wedding…




NINA: You better give the bug to Savannah, I got two kids and they’ll try to eat it.


LINDSAY: Aren’t they like, eight and ten?


NINA: Yeah, but they still will try.


(Lindsay hands the bug to Savannah, who puts it in her pocket)


BRIAN: Just remember, after you plant the bug, dig through whatever you can. Maybe he’ll have a “kill list” or a “killed list”. Or a big file labeled “crimes”.


LINDSAY: And whatever you guys do, don’t fuck him. (Savannah’s eyes flare with anger and she punches Lindsay in the shoulder. He falls back, rubs his shoulder and adjusts his baseball cap. He looks toward the cabin of the van and taps Jack on the shoulder as he drives) Skip Annex, just drop me off at home.


JACK: Can we stop at Howard Johnson’s?


LINDSAY: Jack. Get me to my building or I’m burning down your ball pit.


JACK: Yes, sir.


(Cut to Lindsay and Brian walking into their apartment. Brian shuts the door behind him, as Lindsay drops onto his couch. Brian sits on an E-Z Chair near the couch and looks at Lindsay)


LINDSAY: …What?!


BRIAN: You should lay off Savannah.


(Lindsay sighs and rubs his forehead)


LINDSAY: …I know. I’m just so mad at her.


BRIAN: That’s the problem with not labeling things. You don’t label your butler, suddenly they get mouthy and they start thinking they’re a family friend. (Lindsay glares at Brian) Similarly, if you don’t label your relationship, then maybe your girl cheats on you without even knowing it.


LINDSAY: …I’m glad your eight weeks among the rabble has been so enlightening.


BRIAN: God, I do sound like my dad, don’t I?


LINDSAY: No shit.


(Brian sighs)


BRIAN: Are we going too far?


LINDSAY: Fuck no. I’m trying to save my business.


(Lindsay takes out a cigarette and lights it)


BRIAN: …It’s a good thing we have Foghat on our side if we get caught.


(Lindsay exhales smoke and puts his lighter away)


LINDSAY: Oh yeah, I forgot we hired that guy.


BRIAN: …Have you noticed Nina being distant?


(Lindsay shrugs)


LINDSAY: She seemed pretty enthusiastic for the mission.


BRIAN: Yeah, but in private, she’s been really standoffish.


LINDSAY: Maybe she’s just-


BRIAN: Before you say it, she already had her period this month.


LINDSAY: NOT what I was gonna say.


BRIAN: What were you gonna say, then?


(Lindsay takes a deep drag on bis cigarette)


LINDSAY: …Okay, yeah, I was gonna say that.


BRIAN: Exactly.


(Cut to Hannah and Savannah in their wigs and maid uniforms, lugging a vacuum, dustpan, broom and mop with them, walking out of an elevator on the fifth floor, where Loveman HQ is located. The floor has narrow hallways and numerous offices with opaque wood doors. Businessmen and women amble through the hallways carrying files and such)


SAVANNAH: (Whispering) It’s 5:30 and this place is basically full!


NINA: (Whispering) I guess they’re some workaholics.


(A boozy executive drifts out of his office and leans against the threshold, a whiskey in his hand as he stares at Savannah and Nina’s asses)


EXECUTIVE: (Slurring) I must be a drunk Neil Armstrong, because I’m seein’ a double moon, right now!

(The executive laughs uproariously as Nina and Savannah turn a corner)


SAVANNAH: And some alcoholics.


(Cut to Savannah and Nina in a mid-sized side office. Nina is dusting the desk, while Savannah ties up the office trash bag)


NINA: So, who goes into Loveman’s office first?


SAVANNAH: Keep your voice down, you don’t know who could come in.


NINA: Sorry, Abuela.


SAVANNAH: Gracias.


NINA: You realize that’s not a Spanish name, right?


SAVANNAH: What is it, then?


NINA: It’s Spanish for “grandma”.


SAVANNAH: Shit. I hope nobody here knows that.


(Savannah leaves with the trash bag, as Nina sighs and goes to dust the bookshelf. Cut to Savannah and Nina lugging their janitorial cart toward an office at the end of a long hallway. It’s a big oak door featuring a golden nameplate- “THOMAS J. LOVEMAN, PRESIDENT”)


NINA: I think I should go in first.




NINA: I’m hotter.


SAVANNAH: You work in one of his strip clubs, what if he recognizes you?!


NINA: Savannah, my boss at Five-Alarm doesn’t even recognize me.


(They stop in front of the door and Savannah turns to her)


SAVANNAH: But it’s essentially a guarantee he won’t recognize me. So, just let me do this.


(Nina sighs)


NINA: Fine.


(Savannah nods and Nina walks into a nearby office. Savannah gently raps on the door)




(Savannah opens the door and peeks her head in. She sees Tom Loveman sitting behind his desk, chomping on a cigar as he looks through some paperwork)


SAVANNAH: (Fake Hispanic accent) You mind if I start cleaning?


THOMAS: Of course, I mind. Get the fuck out of here, I’m working.


(Savannah looks red in the face. She closes the door and looks over at Nina, who’s standing in the threshold of another office)


NINA: …I told you I’m hotter.


(Savannah flips Nina off and pushes the cart away. Cut to Savannah and Nina hanging out in the break room. Nina is sitting on the counter and eating a bag of Doritos, across from Savannah who is leaning against the other counter eating a muffin like it’s an apple)


SAVANNAH: Jesus, it’s already 7pm, when’s he gonna leave?


NINA: Doesn’t he have a second family to tend to?


SAVANNAH: Does he have a first family?


(Nina shakes out the remaining Dorito crumbs into her mouth and then throws the bag toward a nearby trash can, though it bounces off the side and onto the floor)


NINA: Maybe his first family lives under his floorboards.


(Savannah chuckles as she finishes her muffin)


SAVANNAH: Guess we’ll wait him out.


(Nina looks around and jumps down from the counter)


NINA: Hey, you know what we could do? We could just hang around here, see if we hear any scuttlebutt. Break room’s the perfect place for that.


(Savannah shrugs)


SAVANNAH: There are still a lot of people here. Okay, let’s pretend to clean.


(Nina grabs a broom from the cart and starts sweeping. Savannah grabs her mop and dips it in the attached bucket of water and starts mopping)


NINA: We’re gonna mop and sweep at the same time?


SAVANAH: Just- shut up and pretend.


(They start sweeping and mopping in place. Cut to The Uranus Room. Brent is sitting by the stage, watching strippers dance, swing and shake on stage. He dispenses five-dollar bills onto the stage like a broken ATM. Mr. Vasilyevich is sitting to Brent’s left and one of Brent’s flunkies, George, is sitting to Brent’s right)


BRENT: I never get tired of this shit.


MR. VASILYEVICH: I do. My god, they’ve been recycling these dances for five years. I try to show them new dances, they don’t listen.


BRENT: Hey if it ain’t broken!


(Vasilyevich snorts)


MR. VASILYEVICH: I gotta make a call.


(Brent nods, and Vasilyevich walks toward his office. George slides his chair forward)


GEORGE: What do you know about that guy?


(Brent sets out a line of cocaine on their table)


BRENT: Who? Vasilyevich?


GEORGE: Yes, sir.


(Brent shrugs and rails a line of blow. He sniffs and comes up for air)


BRENT: I don’t know, he’s some Russian dude. He owns this place. He likes silk shirts.


GEORGE: Exactly, you don’t know much about him. I was reading in The Times that they’re concerned the Soviets have cultivated Russian immigrants to act as spies for them.


(Brent gives George a look)


BRENT: No shit?


GEORGE: I’m not saying he is- but there’s a lot of Russians in here. Could be any of ‘em.


(Brent looks around the strip club. He sees numerous Russians sitting around, whispering, talking, laughing, drinking and clinking glasses together)


BRENT: …Never thought about that.


GEORGE: To think! Those brave Mujahideen in Afghanistan are fighting the Soviets, but over here in America, we’re palling around with them?! It’s nauseating to even contemplate.


(George knocks his drink back as Brent narrows his eyes, surveying the club. We cut to Brian and Lindsay sitting in their fake plumbing van with their walkie talkies at the ready. Brian takes out a piece of paper with a bunch of Spanish phrases translated into English on them)


BRIAN: (Terrible pronunciation) ¿Han…han, colocado…ya el dispositivo de escucha?


(SUBTITLES: Have you guys planted the listening device yet?)


(Lindsay shakes his head. Cut to Savannah and Nina in the break room, doing a half-assed job of pretending to clean while they watch an attractive, 30-something guy in a tie named Jeff make coffee while gabbing in a flirty way with an attractive, skinny brunette in her late 20s named Kate)


JEFF: I don’t like to work this late usually, I like to take my run around this time.


KATE: Oh, really? At night?


(Jeff chuckles)


JEFF: Yeah, I just love how the night air feels, you know?


KATE: Do you go shirtless, or?


(Jeff chuckles and looks down, as Savannah and Nina are completely rapt by their interaction)


BRIAN: (Over intercom) Savannah? Esta…esta ahi?


(SUBTITLES: “Savannah? Are you there?”)


(Savannah grabs the walkie talkie and speaks into it)


SAVANNAH: Solo danos una segunda, por favor.


(SUBTITLES: “Just give us a second, please”)


JEFF: It depends on how cold it is, but usually, yeah. Helps the skin breathe.


KATE: That’s something I can’t do, unfortunately.


(He smiles)


JEFF: There’s a first time for everything, isn’t there?


NINA: (Whispers) …Kiss… (Savannah punches her shoulder) ow!


(Jeff and Kate shoot a look over at them, and they quickly return to “cleaning” the floor)


LINDSAY: (Over walkie talkie) ¡¿Qué está pasando allá?!


(SUBTITLES: “What’s going on over there”!?)


(Nina grabs the walkie talkie and dives to the side of the vending machine, out of sight of the flirting co-workers)


NINA: (Whispering) We’re witnessing the beginning of the greatest love story of all time and we will NOT let you ruin it for us!


(Cut to Brian and Lindsay. Lindsay sighs)


LINDSAY: Al menos hágales algunas preguntas para ver si puede obtener alguna información sobre el estado mental de Loveman, mientras lo hace.


(SUBTITLES: At least ask them some questions to see if you can get some information about Loveman's state of mind, while you're at it)


LINDSAY: Thought I hesitate to think what “it” is.


NINA: (Whispering) Fine.


(Nina walks back over to Savannah. Jeff and Kate are flirting again)


KATE: I wish I had the energy for that after work, I usually just plop in front of the TV and watch Carson. Maybe eat some Hydrox.


JEFF: Hyrdorx?!


(Kate giggles)


KATE: Yeah!


JEFF: Not Oreos?!


KATE: Yeah, I prefer Hydrox. They came first, you know!

(Nina steps forward and clears her throat)


NINA: Hi, I’m so sorry to interrupt this amazing interaction. (Jeff and Kate look at her) I’m Angela, this is Maria, this is our first day. We need to clean Mr. Loveman’s office, but he hasn’t left yet. Do you know how long he stays usually?


(Jeff shrugs)


JEFF: You never know with him. Sometimes he leaves five hours early, sometimes he stays overnight…


KATE: He gets very obsessive about stuff. He’s been babbling nonstop about some guy, that’s he’s trying to destroy- what’s his name, Jeff?


JEFF: I know who you’re talking about, but I can’t think of his name.


KATE: He has the same name as that person from Rocky Horror Picture Show?


SAVANNAH: Tim Curry? (Nina gives her a befuddled look) Que??


(Nina looks back at Kate and Jeff)


KATE: No, not the man, the woman with the red hair.


JEFF: Sarandon!


KATE: YES! Something Sarandon. He wants to destroy him for some reason.


NINA: Okay, well. Thanks. I guess we’ll just wait.


JEFF: Sure thing.


(Nina stands back and Savannah and Nina stare at them. Jeff and Kate look over at them)


KATE: I think the floors are clean, guys.


(Nina and Savannah look at one another and then back at them)


SAVANNAH: Si. Lo siento.


NINA: Have a good one, guys. I believe in you two. (Savannah and Nina walk out of the break room with their cleaning supplies. Jeff and Kate track them with their eyes. As soon as they’re gone, Jeff and Kate start making out. Cut to Nina and Savannah approaching Thomas’ office again. Nina puts her ear to the door and hears a faint snoring. She whispers) I hear snoring!


SAVANNAH: (Whispering) That’s perfect…isn’t it?


NINA: I think so. Here goes nothing. (Nina pushes the door open and they both tiptoe carefully, as Loveman rests his head on the desk and snores a big “old man” snore. Nina whispers) Go over to the bookshelf and dust them, as a distraction in case he wakes up.


SAVANNAH: (Whispering) What’s distracting about that?!


NINA: (Whispering) I don’t know, stick your ass out while you do it, if you wanna call that an ass.


(Savannah groans and goes over to the bookshelf and starts dusting it, intentionally sticking her ass out as she does it. She keeps peeking over at Loveman as he sleeps. Nina takes out the mic and creeps to the other end of the office, where there’s a shelf full of family photos of Thomas Loveman with his wife and kids, black-and-white photos from the 40s, 50s and 60s. Plus, a black-and-white photo of a young Brent Loveman in a graduate mortarboard, with an insert reading “NYU Class of ‘62” under him)


SAVANNAH: (Whispering) Don’t put it on the family photos, he may pick those up!


NINA: (Whispering) Not this one!


(Nina picks up the picture of Brent, blows the dust off it and tapes the mic on the back of it)


SAVANNAH: (Whispering) Ah, I see. Good call.


(Nina puts the picture back- and then Thomas’ phone rings. Nina and Savannah panic and start pretending to dust. Thomas immediately shoots awake and rubs his eyes. He answers his phone)


THOMAS: Yes? Peter Gabriel!? I’d rather DIE than let that hack do a show at one of my clubs! My opinion is very strong on this! (Thomas hangs up and looks over at Nina dusting) What the hell are you doing in here?!


NINA: Sorry, Mr. Loveman, we didn’t want to wake you, and we couldn’t leave until we did your office.


(Savannah turns to Thomas)


SAVANNAH: (Fake Hispanic accent) We are very sorry, Mr. Loveman. Very, very sorry.


(Thomas turns to Savannah. Savannah returns to dusting, and Thomas checks out her ass as she dusts)


THOMAS: …Alright, it’s… (Thomas keeps staring) it’s fine, just don’t do it again, I guess…


SAVANNAH: Of course, Senor Loveman.


(Nina puts up her duster)


NINA: I think we’re about done, aren’t we, Maria?


(Thomas gets up and approaches Savannah)


THOMAS: You know, since you’re here, you might as well stick around and have a drink-


(Savannah quickly backs up)



(Savannah bumps into the bookshelf and this causes a vibration which makes the framed photo of Brent fall on its front on the other side of the room, revealing the mic. Nina quickly props it back up)


THOMAS: UGH! That’s disgusting, you’re fired!


SAVANNAH: Perdon, senor. Vamos, Nina.


(Savannah and Nina head toward the door)


THOMAS: Wait! (Savannah and Nina stop and look at Thomas) You, with the blonde hair, don’t I know you from somewhere?


(Nina and Savannah trade nervous looks, and Nina clears her throat)


NINA: I was, uh, kidnapped about a year ago. So. You might recognize me from some, milk cartons that went around last year.


(Savannah looks impressed. Thomas looks confused)


THOMAS: …I do remember studying those milk cartons intensively. You don’t seem white enough to have been on those cartons, though.


NINA: Oh, but I was! Remember this pose?


(Nina poses with her chin rested on her fist and smiling)


THOMAS: Yeah, I suppose so. So, they found you?


(Nina breaks the pose)


NINA: Yep, I got found.


SAVANNAH: Gracias dios!


(Nina grabs Savannah’s arm)


NINA: Well, we ought to vamos, like Maria said.


(Nina smiles, and Savannah and Nina rush out of the room. Thomas rolls his eyes and locks the door behind them. Cut to Nina and Savannah rushing out of the building and heading to the side walk across the street. The van pulls up and the doors open, revealing Brian and Lindsay)


BRIAN: Get in!


(Brian helps Nina and Savannah into the van, and they close the doors)


LINDSAY: Jack, let’s go!


(Jack slams on the gas and they speed off loudly)



BRIAN: Jack, this isn’t James Bond, you’re attracting way too much attention!




(Jack slams on the brakes as he encounters a red light. Everyone is jolted forward)




BRIAN: How’d it go?


NINA: The bug is in the…anthill…


SAVANNAH: The bug is in the…hive? There’s not a universal living situation for all bugs, is there?


NINA: I guess not.


LINDSAY: Regardless, let’s test it out.


(Lindsay takes out a speaker connected to a big pair of headphones. He unplugs the headphones and turns up the volume knob. They listen to dead air for several seconds)


BRIAN: …Fuck, it’s broken isn’t it!?


LINDSAY: We JUST started listening, it’s gonna take a second-


THOMAS: (Over speaker) Hey, I’m outta Werther’s here! Kate, didn’t I tell you I was never to see the bottom of this bowl of Werther’s?! KATE?! (They all smile and high-five one another, though Lindsay and Savannah avoid exchanging a high-five themselves) KATE, YOU BETTER NOT BE WITH THAT BUM JEFF AGAIN!!


NINA: God, I love Jeff and Kate. We got to watch and episode of The Young and The Restless for free!


SAVANNAH: Isn’t it usually free?


NINA: Well, you gotta buy a TV. And watch ads.


BRIAN: I say we celebrate! Huh!? Not at Annex either, no offense, we should go somewhere decent, and the beers are on me!


SAVANNAH: I’m down. As long as they have virgin beers.


LINDSAY: I don’t think I can make it, I think there’s a Mets game on.


BRIAN: There’s not.


(Lindsay glares at Brian. Savannah sighs)


SAVANNAH: It’s fine, Lindsay, I get it.


LINDSAY: Jack, just drop me off at the apartment.


BRIAN: Aright, fine, Nina, are you in?


NINA: Sorry, Brian, I should spend the night with my kids.


BRIAN: Come on, Nina, you’re not gonna make me grab a drink with Savannah alone, are you? Wouldn’t that make you jealous?


(Cut to Brian and Savannah sitting at a booth in a rustic bar full of old barrels and vintage beer signs. They’re sitting there awkwardly, Brian nursing a mug of beer and Savannah with her hands cupped around a Root Beer. Brian clears his throat and looks over at the small TV hanging in the far corner. It’s showing the local news, with an anchor reporting on a local robbery. Brian drums the table and motors his lips idly. Savannah sighs)


SAVANNAH: You can ask me about Lindsay if you want.


BRIAN: Lindsay? Why, are you guys having problems?


SAVANNAH: He’s choosing to involve me in his capers, I don’t know why he’s being a dick to me about everything.


BRIAN: Lindsay’s a proud man. You may remember a few months ago when he made Winslow his apprentice, even though Winslow is a more experienced DJ than he is?


SAVANNAH: Yeah, I remember.


BRIAN: Now, Winslow may as well be wearing a gimp outfit to work.


SAVANNAH: So, he’s just like this, what does that mean for me? I gotta wait for him to cool off and come back- who says I want him to come back?


BRIAN: Do you?


SAVANNAH: YES! Yes, I DO, AS A MATTER OF FACT! (Everyone in the bar turns their heads and stares at Brian and Savannah. Savannah turns around) Sorry, everyone. Sorry.


(Savannah turns back to Brian)


BRIAN: Then I think you do have to wait him out. Because even though he’s showing off that he’s over you, he’s definitely not.




BRIAN: Yeah, used to be when I snuck off to the kitchen in the middle of the night for a snack, I’d hear him in the bathroom beating off-


SAVANNAH: Oh my God.


BRIAN: But now I hear him crying. Well. Come to think of it, he’s probably doing both.


SAVANNAH: Okay, thanks, Brian.


(Brian reaches across and holds Savannah’s hand)


BRIAN: …You’re welcome.


(Savannah pats Brian’s hand, as he retracts it and drinks his beer)


SAVANNAH: What about you and Nina, why’d she rush off so fast?


BRIAN: …I don’t know…something’s been bothering her lately, but I don’t know what it is. I thought maybe it was the fact that I’m blowing through my savings, buying shit for this little spy mission-


SAVANNAH: Could be that.


BRIAN: Or I thought maybe it had something to do with the whip I bought Jason for his 11th birthday-


SAVANNAH: Sounds like it could be that.


BRIAN: He wanted to be like Indiana Jones!


SAVANNAH: Still though, whips are dangerous!

BRIAN: Regardless, Jason’s birthday was over a month ago, so I don’t think she would still be upset about that.


SAVANNAH: Well, then what is it?


(Brian shrugs and sips his drink. He scoffs)


BRIAN: …Women, am I right?




(Cut to Spencer sitting in his apartment, watching The Young and The Restless and smoking a cigarette. He hears a knock at the door and quickly turns off the TV and stubs out his cigarette)


SPENCER: Coming! (Spencer walks over and looks through the peephole, seeing Nina. Spencer lets Nina in, and she robotically walks through the threshold. He shuts the door) What do ya got for me?


(Nina turns to Spencer and looks directly at him)


NINA: Fuck you.


SPENCER: Can we skip this part? I just want to know what you’ve got. You’ve given me jackshit so far, let’s step it up.


(Nina sighs and plops into the chair parked at his breakfast table. Spencer sits across from her)


NINA: …Brian and Lindsay finally executed their plan. Savannah and I were sent into Loveman HQ dressed as cleaning women, and we planted a mic in Loveman’s office.


SPENCER: So, they went through with it, huh?


NINA: Yeah. I felt like Pussy Galore.


SPENCER: She wasn’t a spy though, she was James Bonds’ lover?


NINA: Fine, I felt like James Bond.


SPENCER: But then who was your Pussy Galore? Oh shit, was it Savannah? Tell me it was Savannah!


NINA: Fuck off. (Spencer chuckles to himself) This beautiful young coupe I spoke to in the break room told me Loveman is out for your head. He’s tired of you hassling him for a piece of his business, and he’s gonna ruin your shit.


SPENCER: …Is that right…


NINA: Personally, I’m rooting for him. I hope he lobs off your knob and strings it up for the Macy’s Parade.


SPENCER: Well, then why’d you tell me? (Nina gets up and goes for the door) I know you feel ashamed, but I can tell a part of you wants to do this. (Nina stops dead in her tracks. Spencer gets up and faces Nina) You enjoy getting back at those bastards who work with the people who killed your husband, behind your back of all things.


(Nina turns to Spencer)


NINA: I take NO pleasure in this, you son of a bitch.


SPENCER: Don’t you? Then why do you tell me everything, why don’t you just feed me as little as possible? (Nina blinks rapidly and looks down) I think you know the answer.


(Nina turns around and quickly leaves, slamming the door behind her. Cut to Lindsay sitting in his office at Annex. He’s wearing headphones connected to that big metal device from earlier, with the rotating wheels. He’s listening to a live feed of Loveman’s office. Right now, it’s just dead air. He sighs and lifts a lit cigarette to his mouth and takes a drag. He blows it as soon as Brian walks in with a fresh cup of coffee)


BRIAN: God! (Brian waves the smoke out of his face) Watch where you’re blowing that, Jesus!


LINDSAY: I think I told that to my college girlfriend when she tried to fellate me at an auction.


BRIAN: Did you go to college?


(Lindsay demurely shakes his head)




BRIAN: …Did a girlfriend really try to fellate you at an auction?


LINDSAY: No, it was a McDonald’s.


BRIAN: Cool. I think your shift is up, so I can take over if you want.


LINDSAY: Thank God. (Lindsay takes off his headphones and hands them to Brian, who sits down and puts them on. Lindsay stands in the threshold) I’ve heard enough inappropriate comments to fill ten lawsuits.


BRIAN: He was mostly just making harmless jokes. If you think that’s bad, spend twenty minutes at Sarandon S&L.


LINDSAY: I have. And you’re right.


BRIAN: Remember- if he compares Kate’s cup size to a celebrity’s during my shift, you owe me 200 bucks.


LINDSAY: Goddamnit, I need to stop gambling.


(Brian chuckles as Lindsay departs. Cut to Lindsay at the bar speaking with Jack as a smattering of patrons mill around, dancing and having indistinct conversations. Nina is serving thirsty customers behind them. Lindsay is drinking a beer)


JACK: So, Mike suggested that we go to the FDR library in Hyde Park for the weekend, all of us. I told him my dad would’ve taken me to Action Park- so he suggested we go to Action Park. But I told him that my mom would never let me go to a park so dangerous- so I had him in a bind. I could feel the last bit of fatherly energy slipping away. So, I took the chance to-






(Lindsay speeds away from Jack and into his office. Nina follows them with her eyes. She moves to the far end of the bar and tries to keep her ears open. Lindsay closes the door and sits down next to Brian. Brian unplugs the headphones and turns up the volume knob)


THOMAS: (Over speaker) Brent, please, I’m busy.


BRENT: (Over speaker) Oh, and I’m not?


(Cut to Brent sitting in front of Thomas’ desk)


THOMAS: I don’t know, why don’t I ask your bar tab at Uranus Room?


(Brent scoffs)


BRENT: I feel like since I was the one who told you about Spencer’s ambitions to get in on your business, I should be involved now that we’re taking him down.


THOMAS: Plans are underway, you needn’t concern yourself with them.


BRENT: Oh, but I do.


(Cut to Brian and Lindsay)


BRIAN: Oh, this’ll be good.




(Cut back to Thomas’ office. Brent stands up suddenly and walks to the corner of the room in a huff)


BRENT: What’s it gonna take, dad? Huh? (Brent turns to Thomas) What’s it gonna take for you to let me in?! I’ll tell everyone that Spencer fucks cats if that’s what it takes!

THOMAS: That’s not what it takes, Brent. It takes patience and level-headedness, which you don’t necessarily have in spades.


BRENT: Oh, really? Well-


(Brent walks over to the shelf and grabs his framed graduation picture off the shelf. Cut to Brian and Lindsay. They hear a clattering noise over the speaker)






(Cut to Nina outside Lindsay’s office, half-heartedly cleaning a mug. Her eyes widen. Cut to Brent holding the framed graduation photo in Thomas face)


BRENT: Then who’s the one who graduated at the TOP of the BOTTOM of his class at NYU?! HUH!? Who- (Brent notices something and furrows his brow) What the hell is this?!


THOMAS: What the hell is what? (Brent’s eyes widen. Brent turns the framed photo around and reveals the mic) What in the hell!? (Thomas grabs the photo and inspects the mic. Cut to Brian and Lindsay, holding their heads in their hands while listening to the speaker) Damn it! (Sounds of him pulling the mic) Crush the goddamn thing!


BRENT: (On speaker) Dad! You know who it probably is!?


THOMAS: (On speaker) Surely one of my enemies, but which one?


BRENT: (On speaker) Maybe it’s not one of your enemies, but one of OUR enemies! The Soviets!


(Brian and Lindsay lift their heads, their expressions a portrait of befuddlement)


THOMAS: (On speaker) What the hell are you on about?!


BRENT: (On speaker) I’ve been tipped off that some of the Ruskies at Uranus Room are possibly Soviet Spies! They’re always having weird, secret Soviet meetings and speaking in some kind of code- what’s it called?


THOMAS: (On speaker) Russian?


BRENT: (On speaker) Yeah, exactly! Russian!


(Lindsay mouths “what the fuck is going on” at Brian. Brian shrugs)


THOMAS: (On speaker) …Could it be?


BRIAN: Holy shit.


THOMAS: (On speaker) There were these two suspicious cleaning ladies in my office last night…


(Brian and Lindsay tense up. Cut to Nina outside. She’s cleaning the mug at a breakneck speed and her teeth are gritting and eyes widened. Cut back to Brian and Lindsay)


BRENT: (On speaker) Could’ve been Soviet spies!


THOMAS: (On speaker) Could’ve been. Trying to tear down my capitalist enterprise to make way for their socialist co-op strip clubs.


BRENT: (On speaker) EXACTLY! I think we should go to the FBI.


THOMAS: (On speaker) Alright, go on, smash this.


(We hear the sound of smashing and the signal goes dead. Brian and Lindsay trade baffled looks)


BRIAN: Should we, do anything about this?


LINDSAY: I have no clue!


(Cut to Uranus Room. Vasilyevich is playing cards with some Russian mob guys at a booth. Vasilyevich holds up a King of Hearts- or the “suicide king”, where the King appears to be running a sword through his own head. Parenthetical dialogue is in Russian)


MR. VASILYEVICH: (You think Trotsky looked like this guy when he got that ice pick through his brain)?


(All the Russian mob guys laugh. Brent stumbles over, clearly drunk and he points at Vasilyevich)


BRENT: …I know.


MR. VASILYEVICH: What do you know, Mr. Loveman?


BRENT: I know what you did, motherfucker.


(A bunch of the Russian guys get up angrily and mean-mug Brent)


RUSSIAN MOB GUY: The fuck did you say!?


MR. VASILYEVICH: Gentlemen, please, be seated, it’s okay. (They sit down, but keep their eyes on Brent) What did I do, Mr. Loveman?


BRENT: You think I don’t know, you Bolshevik prick? How you bugged my father?! You think Gorbachev’s gonna give you a medal, huh?! Maybe a sloppy blowjob?! Is that where he got that birthmark- was it a stain that just couldn’t come out?!


(Vasilyevich and the Russian mob guys laugh)


MR. VASILYEVICH: Mr. Loveman, I’d ask you if you’re drunk, but I know the answer to that.


BRENT: Watch your back, comrade. Your time in this country is WRAPPING UP. Piece of shit.


(Brent spits on the floor and walks away. A bunch of Russian mob guys get up again, but Brent waves his hand and gets them to sit down)


MR. VASILYEVICH: Don’t worry, he’ll be taken care of. One way or another.


(Cut to two FBI agents- an older brunette woman named Agent Forsythe and a hotshot young FBI agent with a full head of black hair named Agent Barwell, in an interrogation room, sitting across from Brent Loveman. Barwell is holding the bug in his hand, toying with in and inspecting it)


AGENT BARWELL: …It certainly looks like other Russian bugs we’ve encountered.


BRENT: SEE?! Some Ivan is after my dad, and by extension, ME!


AGENT FORSYTHE: Thanks for bring this to our attention. You’re part of what makes this country great.


BRENT: Thank you.


AGENT BARWELL: Trust us, what you’ve done here helps keep all Americans safe, not just you.


BRENT: I believe it.


(Cut to John Gotti sitting behind the desk in his office. He’s on the phone)


JOHN: This Loveman prick is DEAD.


(Cut to Mr. Vasilyevich on the phone in his office. Intercut between Gotti and Vasilyevich)


MR. VASILYEVICH: You don’t walk into a man’s club and threaten to snitch on him. And you definitely don’t drive to an FBI field office right after.


JOHN: Those Lovemans are a fucking problem. After we off Brent, we’ve gotta keep Thomas’ grimy hands off Annex, because Lindsay Royce kicks up good money. I’ll get someone to lean on that Irish prick, whatever his name is.




JOHN: Frankie D gets whacked, now I gotta deal with this shit?!


(Cut to James O’Halleran locking up his office at O’Halleran leasing for the day. He turns and is immediately confronted by Patrizio and another Gambino thug in a leather jacket named Vito)


PATRIZIO: Calling it a day so soon?


JAMES: What- uh? Yes? It’s a weekend, I just stopped by to grab my reading glasses-


VITO: Well, then maybe you can read our lips.


(Vito starts mouthing something. Patrizio and James stare at him as he does so, until Patrizio pats Vito on the shoulder)


PATRIZIO: Vito, just say it, we can’t read your lips.


VITO: Okay, sorry, thought it was a good line!


PATRIZIO: It was, but he needs to actually understand the message.


VITO: Of course. Uh. Tell Loveman he can’t have Annex. Ever.


(Patrizio takes out a knife)


PATRIZIO: Or we’ll hurt you. With violence.


JAMES: …I assume you guys are, uh…connected? (Patrizio and Vito nod) Okay, well I will call him as soon as I get home-


PATRZIO: We’d really prefer if you did it now.


VITO: Unlock the door, you paddy cunt.


(James quickly starts unlocking the door. Cut to Lindsay on the phone behind the bar at Annex. Jack and Nina are standing nearby cleaning glasses, while Brian, Savannah and Bertha sit at the bar)


LINDSAY: Uh-huh. Just like that, huh. (Beat) Yeah. You okay? Okay. Well, thanks so much. (Lindsay hangs up and walks over to everyone else) Great news! Loveman’s out of the running for Annex.


(Brian and Lindsay give one another a knowing look, which Nina clocks. Jack slaps the bar)


JACK: Fantastic!


BRIAN: Wow, that was sudden.


SAVANNAH; Very sudden. What do you think happened?


NINA: Yeah. What happened?


(Lindsay shrugs)


LINDSAY: Maybe it had something to do with Brent’s behavior. He’s a loose cannon recently, running to the FBI with that bug.


NINA: But why would O’Halleran care about what Brent does, it’s Thomas’ company!


BRIAN: Who knows! Best not to focus on it too much.


(Nina looks quietly incensed)


NINA: …I have to take a piss.


(Nina marches to the bathrooms. Savannah furrows her brow)


SAVANNAH: What’s with her?


BRIAN: I’ve been asking that question for days now.


(Lindsay pours himself a beer and lifts it up. Jack gets a beer as well)


LINDSAY: To Annex! Shall it forever remain in my hands!


BRIAN: In OUR hands!

LINDSAY: But especially mine! Cheers!


(Lindsay, Brian, Bertha and Jack clink their glasses together and drink. Brian clears his throat)


BRIAN: We’re not out of the woods yet, though. We might actually be deeper than ever.


LINDSAY: If they ever trace that bug back to us, we’re fucked.


SAVANNAH: You said you got it from the Russians, so aren’t they gonna assume it’s Russian?


BRIAN: If we’re lucky, they’ll stop there. But if they don’t…


LINDSAY: Plus, just because Loveman’s out of the running doesn’t mean Spencer is. He could make a deal with, um- (Brian glares at him) the, uh, devil.


SAVANNAH: So, best case scenario, we lose Annex, worst case scenario, we go to jail. (Savannah pats herself on the back) Good life decisions, Savannah.


LINDSAY: You can say that again.


(Savannah sighs)


SAVANNAH: Can I talk to you, Lindsay?


(Lindsay looks around)




(Lindsay follows Savannah to the parking lot outside. Savannah closes the door behind her)


SAVANNAH: …Are you done?


LINDSAY: …I’m sorry, I’m just hurt. So I lash out. But like, you don’t have to be here.


SAVANNAH: Yet you obviously want me here.


(Lindsay nods)




SAVANNAH: Think about it like this, Lindsay. We might go to jail, soon. We might not get the chance to fuck one another for a  LONG time. Are you prepared to forgive me now?


(Lindsay wrings his hands, looks around and then starts immediately making out with Savannah. They both make out passionately. Cut to Nina walking out of the bathroom. She throws down her towel and breezes past Brian, who grabs her shoulder)


BRIAN: Hey! (Nina turns to him) Where are you going? Your shift isn’t over for another few hours!


NINA: I’m not feeling well. Just tell Lindsay I’m taking a sick day.


(Nina wriggles away from Brian and walks out the front door. The camera pushes in on Brian’s heartbroken face. Cut to Spencer opening his front door to reveal Nina)


SPENCER: Back again so soon?


(Nina pushes past Spencer and Spencer closes the door. Nina faces Spencer)


NINA: Loveman’s out of the running for Annex. I suspect that the fucking Gambinos saw to that after his shithead son squealed to the FBI about the microphone he found in his dad’s office. Dumbass thinks it’s the work of the Soviets.


SPENCER: Fantastic! Man! Look at you! No sourpuss this time-


NINA: Please don’t say sourpuss-


SPENCER: I’m just saying! All the shame has melted off you. What happened?


NINA: …Let’s just say, I see things a lot clearer now.


(Cut to late the next evening. Brian and Lindsay are sitting on their couch, both looking nervous and unsettled. Lindsay is smoking like a chimney and Brian is drinking from a canteen of booze. They’re watching The Falcon and The Snowman, a 1985 spy film, on HBO. On the TV, they see the inside of a church, and then a shot of Timothy Hutton sitting in the pews writing in a notebook. Suddenly, the screen goes black)


BRIAN: The fuck?


LINDSAY: What’s going on!?


(There’s static for several seconds)


BRIAN: You don’t think…could THIS be the Soviets?!


(Lindsay rolls his eyes, as the screen shows SMPTE colors bars along with a message in superimposed over them reading “GOODEVENING HBO FROM CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT $12.95 A MONTH? NO WAY! (SHOWTIME/MOVIE CHANNEL BEWARE!). Brian and Lindsay look baffled)


LINDSAY & BRIAN: …Captain Midnight?


(The camera pushes in on the TV screen as we cut to credits. Only silence and static interference accompany the credits)





Submitted: February 03, 2021

© Copyright 2021 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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