So This Is Goodbye

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

Death. It's something we've all encountered in our lives. A relative's or friend's passing, the withering of a historical leader from some distant country... it's a topic we're all so familiar yet so unacquainted with; something that seems so far away, yet so immediate, for we all know our death could happen inexplicably in the matter of only a few seconds. Surely, we've all given the notion of death quite a matter of thought. Perhaps we've even been suicidal, to have thought as death as our only option, the only way out we knew of. Here is the suicide note of an uncertain teenage girl, writing her way through the final days of her life. Or so she believes. Because life has much more in stall for her than she thinks, whether she's ready for it or not.

Dear whomever this may concern,


  I'm sorry. I can't think of a proper greeting at all. I'm this helpless, you see. 

  To every single person I've ever met in my life: thank you so much for just having been there. Many have made me smile, made me laugh, cry, shout, scream, and much, much more. Like they say, "people who walk into our lives always leave footprints; and after that, that we are never ever the same". Thank you everyone. For everything.

  But today I ask you to give up on me. I'm not worth your time, energy, and care. It's alright. Just leave me be and let me die alone. I can' do anything anymore. I'm ever so hopeless and helpless. I can't even eat properly. It's so simple yet I can't do it. I'm so anxious. Everything used on me is such a terrible waste. Feel free to extract all the resources anybody has given to me. I never deserved them anyway.

  Can you believe that this is the fifth time I'm writing my suicide note? Perhaps writing here is my only means of preventing myself from climbing onto the rooftop and jumping to my death. Or banging my head against the wall in the bathroom until I bang my brain crazy. As if I ever had a brain. I don't know what to do with anything. I'm crazy. Like that's news.

  I'm so helpless. I just keep worrying people and keep letting everyone down. I don't even know what on earth I'm doing here. All I do is be pathetic and cause trouble. I'm a mess. I can't even hold myself together. What other use can I serve in this world except be a waste of space? All I can tell is you is that in spite of all my boiling emotions, it's ever so cold, and I don't know how I'll survive the night. If I could make a knife appear out of thin air under my blankets tonight, I would. I just can't help it anymore. I only keep getting worse. Perhaps I'll sleep outside with the ghosts tonight. And starve myself to death. As if that would work. I'm so fucking pathetic. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm just messing everything up. I'm a faker. I'm a liar. A horrible one. I'm crazy. I can't even use words to describe how much I despise myself.

  Everything's so messy and I just can't deal with it all. All I'm certain of is the fact that I'm a terrible person who deserves to meet her doom.

  I know how pathetic and ungrateful of a person I am. What's new? I bet many would consider me crazy for wanting to end my life, since I have everything going so well for me.

  I just don't know what to do anymore. Every day I feel like "this is the most depressed I've ever been", but then when tomorrow comes, I'll realize that nothing has changed, and it's all still going down down down down... I'm deep in the tunnel, but the end is nowhere to be found.

  I'm just so tired and sick of it all. It's so funny how a forced smile or two can easily convince people that you're happy. For most fail to see beyond any pair of eyes that seem to wield no tears - they fail to understand how one may have reached a point where tears are no longer able to express their sadness; and when the rare tears finally come around, if they could speak, they would all be shouting in protests of how hard it feels for them, how difficult it is to hang on. But just because they aren't able to readily come out, the seemingly dry eyes hide in disguise, smiling for the rest of the world, whilst drowning in their own deep blue ocean.

  I don't think there's much more I can write. In times like this, I really feel like the end is near... if only I could express myself with tears... I don't want to be numb again, yet all these overwhelming emotions that visit me on a daily basis aren't a solution either. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. So very exhausted. All I want is a break from the world. A break from me.

  My life is aimless. No sense of location or direction... it's hard to just even write. As I tarry on uncertainly with my words, they only appear to drag themselves across the paper, in a state just as depressed as their owner...

  I know I'm selfish, I'm irresponsible, and that many have things way worse than I do. So I try not to ask for too much anymore. Thousands of people have spent way more than I deserve on me. My only wish is to be able to take away any burdens everybody carries on their shoulders with me. To die with it all. I'm going to die anyway, so I may as well as attempt to free the world of its trouble, and shoulder the weight of the world, which will kill me anyway. At least everyone will be happy and worry-free. Perhaps this will be the only purpose I'll serve in this world. But I know it's just a distant wish that will never come true.

  To everyone: please treasure yourselves. Don't waste your life the way I do. You all deserve to live till the day you find happiness again. You all deserve to be happy.

  Lastly, please accept my most sincere apologies for having been absent in your lives for so many times. I'm just completely consumed by my mental health, and any interaction or just any small activity has become such a huge feat for me. I remember being too depressed to simply stand up from my chair, or pull my sweater on even though it was freezing cold. I could barely be there for anyone - I couldn't even be there for myself. And I'm very sorry about that. When I'm gone, I'll always be here in spirit, wherever you are, and whatever challenges you're facing. As long as you remember me, you'll never be alone, for I will always be here thinking about you and cheering you on from afar. I wasn't able to do that when I was alive given my terrible state, but I will be able to do that forever now. I'll always be here in spirit. You'll never be alone.

  I understand that a few lousy words of apology and a meaningless promise can do little to compensate for my selfishness and irresponsibility. Really, I'm ever so sorry to my friends, ever so sorry to my family, and all the people that I've encountered in my life. I'm always told to live for myself, but the only way I can achieve that is by death. And to die is to know survival. Yet I know neither.

  But I'm still alive.

  I know I don't deserve to live, but I don't deserve to enjoy the luxury of death either.

  I guess I'll rot in hell - for that's where I belong.



Yours truly,


Submitted: February 21, 2021

© Copyright 2021 kiddo.beans. All rights reserved.

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