"Why don't you just kill yourself?"

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Who wears a woose if woos wears you

---

Why do I feel like every act I perform is tepid? Like I have only half commited. Maybe 'why?' isn't the right question. More like why do I insist on acting in such a way. I've pussied out of every major facet of my life. I'm a runner. A coward. Miserable and frustrated, I blamed my inadequacies. I blamed other people. I knew all along it was my own fault. But really, is my unsolicited confession of responsibility necessary? Perhaps the knowledge that my condition was caused by a mixture of genetics and environment is somewhat comforting. But what it change to dwell? I'm just, year after year, using the same pathetic excuses to stay within my comfort zone, not pursue women, not strive for independence, not socialise and continue being socially awkward and strange as a result. I notice the funny look in the eyes of my interlocutor, when I'm simultaneously avoiding contact and trying to communicate. It really must come off as weird.

---

'Why don't you just kill yourself?'
The sad man whispers to himself.
Slumped over, back to the door, 
he stares wistfully at the wall. 

Takes a deep breath, utters a sigh. 
'It would all be so much easier. 
That is, of course, if I could just die.' 

Nothing to do today but lay in bed, 
resenting that phrase 'It's all in your head'. 
'But I'm up now. What will I do?
It's all worthless. Nothing is new.' 

'A friend of mine back in high school
said 'It's like you enjoy being sad.' 
I was smug. I thought him the fool. 
Is that a part of what makes me bad?'

'Because something is not quite right inside, 
the essence of which I cannot quite derive. 
On what to depend but a comfortable nook?
Everything's in black and white, like the pages of a book.'

 


Submitted: March 08, 2021

© Copyright 2021 olive tree. All rights reserved.

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