The Day Hell Froze Over

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Phillip, a scientist from Earth and Cold Breath, a scientist from Pluto; arrive on the planet and bump into none other than Satan himself.

The Day Hell Froze Over

Flicking through the assignment documents, Phillip grit his pearlescent white teeth and grumbled under his breath.

‘Why so blue you?’ said Cold Breath while pressing the big red button to confirm the coordinates of the landing spot. Phillip stared at him blanky and shook his head.

‘Do you get it? Because, you see, I’m actually blue and you humans sa..’

‘Can it, Colgate. Why do they always write my name like this? They do it on purpose, pricks.’ Phillip held the document up to Cold Breath’s face and pointed to the section where his name was written:

‘Mr P. I. Staker, P I Staker, piss taker! They always do this; they’re supposed to be scientists for Christ’s sake.’ Cold Breath raised his eyebrow and then shrugged. ‘You wouldn’t understand, you’re from this giant snow heap.’

‘Hey!’ Snapped Cold Breath. ‘I’ve told you I don’t know how many times now: This is my home! I’m not getting into this again.’

A menacing grin tried to creep its way onto Phillip’s face.  He cleared his throat and looked out at the approaching planet through the cockpit window. Phillip whistled and then twizzled the curl at the end of his thick red moustache.

‘You know, I always imagined Pluto would be blue, or bluish green or something. But nope, its fucking grey, what a dump. Why are you even blue anyway? It doesn’t make any sense.’

Cold Breath sighed and shook his head. ‘Don’t go there Phillip. You planet has a spiritual energy which vibrates at a very particular frequency, which then manifests the blue skin that’s on us.’

After a 20 second silence, Phillip took a deep breath.

‘Did you know that 161 kilometres above the surface of Pluto, there is a haze of methane?’

‘Of course I knew that, this is my home planet you plant pot.’

‘So, is that the reason you are blue then?’

‘What are you getting at?’

‘Well, basically, you have been raised in an atmosphere of fart clouds. Your ancestors must have been holding their breath so much, that you evolved into this blue skinned abomination. And would it harm you to at least put on a pair of pants for God’s sake? That flap's always fluttering like flag in a tornado every time somebody opens a window or turns on a fan.’

Cold Breath tucked his flap underneath his tentacle and snorted in disgust.

‘HA! Fuck right off. Coming from you! Aren’t scientists supposed to wear a white coat and their underwear on the inside of their pants? What kind of scientist wears a red cape with matching elbows and knee pads? And the hard hat, they went out of style last month. Nobody even wears them! Not even on Gulag 475. Please.’ Cold Breath lifted his long purple beak victoriously.

‘Did you know…’

‘Just stop Phillip!’ Snapped Cold Breath.

‘That the name of your planet ‘Pluto’ was named after the Roman God of the underworld, on my home planet, by an 11-year-old girl. An Earthling named this dump, an 11-year-old girl at that. How does that make you feel, you know, Pluto being the most mysoginistic planet in the galaxy and all?’

Before Cold Breath had a chance to answer, the ship began to vibrate, shaking free the flap from under his tentacle. Phillip winced. Then, all of a sudden, the ship hit the ground with a loud metallic crunk. Philips coffee fell off the side and onto the light cream carpet.

‘For fuck’s sake!’ Yelled Phillip, ‘that’s your fault that. I hate this bastard snow-ball!’

‘This is my home! We were raised to have some manners! Have some God damned respect you idiot! How did you even become a scientist? Did you win a biggest cunt contest?’

‘That’s rich. You have the flaps to call this a planet? You do know us Earthlings laugh at this pipsqueak?’

‘Too far!’ Raged Cold Breath, his tentacles flailing. ‘Pluto was reinstated as a planet two thousand years ago after the battle of the Dwarven Nebula! You’re going to far now.’

‘I’ve had bigger shits than this measly rock. It’s not even as big as our moon. It’s an embarrassment to the solar system!’

‘Yes, it is! It is officially classed as a planet, look there on the system monitor, look right here P-L-A-N-E-T planet!’

The two of them continued their argument as they stepped off the ship and onto a large frozen ice lake. It suddenly struck the two of them that they had landed in the wrong area and would have to walk twenty miles to the East for the rock samples they needed. As they approached the end of the lake, a behemoth red creature with huge black horns was grunting and mumbling to itself, flailing its giant muscular arms vigorously every couple of steps.

‘Oh shit!’ Said Cold breath bringing a hand to his face.

‘Is, is that a demon?’ whimpered Phillip, his voice cold and faint.

Cold Breath sighed. ‘Well, yeah, kind of; it’s Satan. Just keep walking, don’t look at him and if he engages you just ignore him. He’s harmless enough, but he gets pissed up and talks about the good old days. Once he gets going you can’t get him to shut the fuck up.’

Phillip's eyes lit up, his eyebrows rose and an open mouth smile covered the bottom half of his face from ear to ear.

‘You mean the Satan? Holy fuck! I’ve always wanted to shoot the shit with Satan!’ Phillip cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted to the giant red monstrosity. ‘Oi! Mate! Are you Satan?’

‘What are you doing?' moaned Cold Breath. 'Aww fuck here we go. We’ll never be able to shut him up now.'

The Devil stopped dead in his flailing and stomped over to the strangely paired beings in the distance. He approached them and snarled, stretched out his long arms and then took a large gulp of whiskey.

‘Aye, that’s me flower. What is a human and a Plutonian doing together in these parts? Hey, want me to tell you the tale of when I made Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin wear dresses and …’

Cold Breath placed his hand on his forehead as Philip interjected. ‘Satan, big fan of your work. I’m a total fanboy I must say. But, I need you to settle a bet between me and old Colgate here. I don’t reckon that this here rock is a planet. Obviously, this goober, coming from this shit hole reckons it is. We need you to set the record straight.’

Satan furrowed his eyebrow and looked at the scientist with bemused inquisitiveness for at least a minute in length. The scientist and the Plutonian looked at each other and shuffled on the spot nervously.

‘Told you.’ Muttered Cold Breath quietly spinning his finger around his ear.

‘Neither of you would be correct’ blurted the hulking red demon ‘let me tell you a tale of this once great dominion.’

‘Here we go’ muttered Cold Breath while rolling his black eyes.

‘You see, this is not a planet, nor is it a mere rock. Long ago, this place used to be what many call Hell.’ The devil whispering the final world and rolling his tongue around the l.

‘Was it really necessary to say ‘hell’ like that?’ Asked an impatient Cold Breath tapping his hoof on the frozen lake. Satan ignored him and continued.

‘Yes, that’s right’ said Satan melodramatically, Cold Breath cringed. ‘Until it froze over, of course. Just under a million years ago, me and God were bros, we had a handshake and everything. Then one day, after one too many games of planetary marbles and pink gin, we got into a heated debate. He said the flames ostentatious and unnecessary. I say, listen here you melt. See that guy over there with that spike stuck up his arse and the flames licking his feet? Well, he begs to differ. That shit's genius.’

‘No doubt!’ Said Philip fist bumping Satan. Then shaking his hand from the trauma and heat of the blow.

‘Anyway, so, God then has the audacity to say he could create the perfect hell without any of this flaming spike bollocks. I said HA! I’d like to see you try. Want to bet, he says? And I say darn fucking tooting. He reckons it’s all psychological; I’m all for this physical sensation stuff, but that’s another story.’

‘HA! Even better!’ Cried Philip jabbing his finger and booping Cold Breath’s snoot. ‘This place is even worse than a cold arsed rock, it is literally hell!’ 

Satan interjected. ‘Well, I wouldn’t be so cocky there earthling. Because now hell, is, Earth.’ The devil widened his eyes and slowly circled his hands as he whispered the word earth and extended it unnecessarily. 

‘Ok fair enough’ said the beaten scientist to Cold Breath. ‘We’re both from shitholes, but at least mines a bigger shit hole than yours.’

‘That my old friend, is something we can both agree on.’


Submitted: March 18, 2021

© Copyright 2022 Mined Eus. All rights reserved.

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