My Life is Aggressively Average

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Thrillers  |  House: Booksie Classic

A story about an incredibly average man and his incredibly average life.

Everything about me is statistically normal. Everything.

I was never an amazing athlete, star student, or captivating creator. Everything I did fell in the middle of the pack.

My IQ test returns a solid 100 every single time. My grades were exactly class average. I went to an average-ranked university and finished in the middle of my class, and I’m a mid-level accountant at an average-sized company.

My commute is exactly the average length for my city, my job pays exactly the average in my region, and my house is exactly the average size in my country.

I’m 5 feet, 8.5 inches tall and weigh 185 pounds. Exactly average height and weight in my country. I exercise 53% of the time. I spend $450 per month on groceries, $250 on utilities, and $172 at restaurants.

I’m not ugly, or particularly good-looking. Most people would describe my wife as average looking. 50 percent of all marriages in our country end in divorce. We were technically divorced and remarried, due to a clerical error.

The rate of car accidents is about 5% annually. When I turned 20, I was rear-ended by a distracted driver in a pickup truck.

The average couple in our country has 1.67 children.

Our first son was born with no issues. His little brother was...different. He was born prematurely at just shy of 27 weeks. The doctors said he was “materially underdeveloped” both mentally and physically. This was tough on me and my wife, but I explained how these things go for me.

It was hard for her to believe at first. We argued about it a lot, but I kept explaining and showed her the numbers. And if there’s anything I know, it’s numbers. After a few years she finally came around to it. She even told me a few months ago that she’d help sort it out!

I’m not sure why she needed to fill our basement with almonds and a distillery, but she said that was part of it. Is it some sort of natural-pathics thing? Are almonds organic? Does almond milk realign my chakras or something? I’m not into this new-age stuff, I don’t know.

She made a great breakfast this morning, but she refused to have a bite of it. I can tell she’s trying to make me feel better. She’s such a great wife, she even cried while I ate. I love her.

I’ve got a bit of a headache now, and feel a bit dizzy. Must be a migraine. I think I’ll have a quick nap.


Submitted: March 25, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Mister Skulk. All rights reserved.

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