My Best Friend Bert - # 30

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Another little story from the archives of Bert thinking.

My best friend, Bert, doesn't cotton to all this conspiracy theory stuff about government monitoring things people do.

We somehow got on the subject while having a beer and he told me, "Hell, Facebook and Google know more about me that I do, and the Chinese and Russians may know even more. So why should I worry about my own government snooping into my life unless I'm doing something illegal?"

I was a bit surprised but not completely, after all, even with all his flaws Bert operates from a foundation of logic.

I did say foundation, Right?

There is one area he tends to waver a little, and I'm talking about Omens, or just plain superstitions.

 

Oh my god, heaven forbid that an unfamiliar black cat passes in front of him, but if a Tortoiseshell-Cat, a Calico, shows up near by, then it is good luck.

A Whippoorwill singing near his house means a probable death or very bad tidings.

He has others, like shooting stars, four leaf clovers, and finding pennies are all good signs. The bad ones I don't listen to, so I don't.

If Bert's right hand itches in the palm area, and it itches a lot, then company is coming to his house that was unexpected.

If it is the left hand, then unexpected money is coming. Bert claims that it used to be that it meant, "Money in the Mail", but with online banking and direct deposits, well, the money can now arrive from any place at all, not just in the mail.

 

I'm not much on superstitions, unless they make logical sense. Like the one about not walking under a ladder. As I see it, that superstition came from people getting hurt by stuff falling from ladders.

A lot of superstitions came from experience, so did what we call being chivalrous towards the ladies.

But one of those items of chivalrous behavior was not chivalrous at all. I'm talking about the practice of having women walk on the (Inside), nearest the houses and furthest from the street. You see, if a woman and a man were walking down a street, the woman was placed on the inside.

I was told that the start of this tradition began during a time when people tossed the wast from Bedpans and Washing Bowls out the windows. Whoever was nearest the house got the brunt of the downpour.

I don't know if this is a true account, but I wouldn't put it past those Snuff Sniffing Pompadours.

 

Bert and I have received our Covid 19 Vaccinations, we got our second shots last week.

So this week we are celebrating by picking up burgers at Betty's and taking them to the park. We figured we would play a couple of games of Horseshoes, for exercise, and have our lunch while doing so.

I was the designated driver for the day so I picked up Bert at his house, and wouldn't you know it, on the way a Black Cat ran right in front of the truck.

After that happened a question hit me, so I asked Bert, "Which of us was the Cat warning? We are both in the Truck and it ran in front of the Truck, so which would it be?"

Bert was stumped, he didn't know.

So I said, "Let's do a test and find out!"

Then I said, "We were both going to Betty's when the Cat crossed, right Bert? So the Cat must have been warning both of us not to go to Betty's. So the solution would be for us not to go to Betty's.

So here's the test for your Black Cat warning. Instead of both of us going to Betty's, I'll drop you off at the park first, then I'll go get the burgers and come back to the park.

If something bad was going to happen, then it would happen to just me because I went to Betty's and you didn't."

Bert reluctantly agreed, all the while warning me that I was playing with fire."

 

I dropped Bert off at the park, then I took the long way to Betty's.

I purposely took a road I would never have taken before the Cat appeared. And I drove very carefully because there was a lot of construction vehicles moving around on the street I was on; they were doing sidewalk repair and replacing light-poles with new ones.

 

I made it to Betty's without a hitch, just as I figured I would. Then I bought the food and headed back to the park via a different route than before.

When I arrived at the park, Bert walked all around my truck to see what had happened to it, nothing had.

Then he asked me all sorts of questions about what had happened while I was gone. I told him all about my diversionary tactics and my careful driving through the construction zone. Bert looked perplexed.

And all during lunch I pocked fun at Bert about his Black Cat Omen, and I needled him during the games of horseshoes too.

But Bert would not relent, he stuck to his guns and said that the day was not over yet. He said that the Cat's warning still had time to manifest itself. I laughed and made ghost sounds back at him.

 

After the second game was over we walked back to my truck. But when we arrived we found the truck had four flat tires.

In each tire were pointed concrete lag-bolts that are used to attached light-poles to concrete sidewalks.

Bert looked at me and then made sounds like the "Twilight Zone" theme song; "do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do."

 

 

D. Thurmond / JEF

03-26-2021


Submitted: March 26, 2021

© Copyright 2021 D. Thurmond aka JEF. All rights reserved.

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