Shut It Off

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Leave the lights on, shut them off after a while. Smiles, kisses. Why did that all go away?

Shut it Off

"Mum, can you leave the lights on?"

Hugs, kisses, goodnight, see you in the morning.

Now I am covered head to toe in blanket,

Feeling nothing but joy at age 4.

 

Waking up, still feeling sleepy,

Mum came back in and turned off the lights.

It seemed a little... creepy.

 

I start to cry, because of the dark,

So i climb back into bed and hide,

Waiting for someone to come in,

Just so that the dog doesn't bark.

 

"Mum, I'll try sleeping with a nightlight if it will help with the electricity bill."

Hugs, goodnight, see you in the morning.

I turn on my lamp and fairylights,

Lying awake, mourning.

He isn't dead, he just acts as if he is.

 

I stay up past 11,

Counting how long i can hold my breath in.

It helps with the stress.

School, creeps, money, home.

Hopefully my life wont always be such a mess.

 

"Mum, you still up?"

"Sorry sweetheart, cant tuck you in tonight, my legs hurt a lot."

Goodnight, see you in the morning.

I keep my torch on,

Wondering how she keeps her smile dawning.

 

"Becca? Can you help me bring mum to the toilet?"

"Becca, Mum needs you to go shopping."

"Becca? Make dinner."

Please, leave me to sleep.

 

"Hi Dad, can you tell Mum I said goodnight?"

"Is she still mad? Ok sweety, Goodnight."

The laptop light shines on my face,

With a tab open saying

"How to cut"

Steak knives? That's not the case.

 

I feel so low.

My legs ache and theres blood all over my shorts,

In small, thin lines.

My mind is about to blow.

Dad, im glad you're home, but cant you tell you're just making things worse?

 

Mum, I wrote you a note last night while I couldn't sleep,

Wondering what I did wrong.

You are already stressing a heap,

I dont want to put that on you too...

Whatever it was.

 

"Go to your fucking room!"

Theres no need to shout, I was going anyway.

Im sorry that I wanted to talk about my problems ONCE!

Especially the ones where i wanted to give my life away.

I couldn't even get that far into my "speech".

 

Mum, I wanted to tell you that I didn't stop using that knife on myself,

Im still drawing blood.

Im waiting for the day that you can take that in without involving Dad,

Or therapy,

Or your own problems.

 

SIlence.

No hug, no kiss, no goodnight, no see you in the morning.

I have my phone light, watching those skinny girls posing on Instagram.

I think that if I turn this light off, I wont see dawn.

Darkness might cave in,

The electricity bill might finally be cheaper,

Because you wont have to pay for me.

 

Mum, that talk that we had today?

The one where you said it would all be ok?

It was a lie when i agreed.

I promised myself that after that light went out,

The thing that lit up my darkness,

Wouldn't be seen by me again.

Flip the switch.

Shut it off.

You lost your daughter so long ago,

and you didnt even notice.

Dont be surprised when you dont see my flushed cheeks, or my non-streaked arms again.

They will still be there, but they wont have meaning.

No

More

Feeling.

I want to shut it off.

 

 

Beccas10Scratches1/4/21

 

Note: I use a fake name in the story :)

 

 


Submitted: April 14, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Beccas10Scratches. All rights reserved.

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