Nowhere In Between

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic

The book "Nowhere In Between" is about a transgender FTM named Ace, and his life struggles and uplifts with being transgender.

Chapter one:  It all makes sense.


I’ve always known I was different.  I never knew how, or why.  It was just something that I discovered over the years.  When I was about 4 I discovered that I wasn’t what I was “supposed to be”, I discovered that I was something different, and that I was something that I was always told not to be.

I was never a very girly kid.  I always liked things like cars, trucks, and trains, rather than things like Barbie Doll’s, and makeup kits, which I always thought I was supposed to like.  When I was in stores I would always find myself in the aisle that everyone would say was wrong for a “little girl” like me, and they would take me to the aisle with the things that were known as correct for me.  I didn’t like when they would take me out of the aisle, because that aisle made me happy.

When I was at sleepovers and birthday parties, I was always there with girls, which I was okay with, but I noticed that I never liked what they were doing for fun.  I never liked it because they would always do the opposite of what I liked.  They would play with dolls, and play dress-up, and I was never comfortable with it.  Hell, I was never comfortable with anything that was girly.  It made me feel awful, and like I was nothing.

Every time I would be called “she”, it would feel like a punch in the stomach, and it would make me feel sick.  When I was about 6 or 7, my parents noticed that my behavior wasn’t like any other little girls that they had seen.  They noticed that I wasn’t interested in the things that others were.  They just assumed that I was lesbian.  They didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t “normal”, and they didn’t really want to support me, which was the hardest thing in the world.

Chapter 2:  Coming out.


I came out as bisexual when I was about 10 years old.  My parents weren’t surprised because of my behavior as a child, but they were still disappointed.  When I was 11 I came out as lesbian.  My parents, once again weren’t surprised but they were still disappointed and they still couldn’t accept the fact that I was different.

My parents' expectations of me were so high, that it was kind of sad.  They wanted me to be the perfect human, and they couldn’t seem to accept when I would make any sort of mistake.  Instead of “It’s okay, you’ll do better next time,” it was always “You’re awful, you’ll never be successful if you’re like that!  Do better next time.”  Every time that I would make even the tiniest mistake, I would always be scared, because I didn’t know what they were going to do.  They were so strict, and they thought that it would make me a better person in the end.  But in reality, it was just stressful.  Really, really stressful…

When I was 11, going on 12, I noticed that I wasn’t happy with myself.  I knew that something was off with myself, but I couldn’t figure out what.  So I started doing research, and when I was going through all of the information, I discovered that transgender was a thing.  As soon as I read what it was, I instantly knew that was what I was.

It all fit together.  With my behavior as a child, and my unhappiness, I was able to put two and two together.  I was terrified to come out officially.  I knew that my parents wouldn’t support me, so I kept to myself and some friends.  I told my friends to use he/him pronouns for me, and almost as soon as they did, I felt my confidence go up.  I told them to no longer use my deadname, and to use the name “Ace” instead.

When I was about 14 or 15, I finally got the courage to come out to my parents.  They hated it.  They refused to use my pronouns and my name, and they started calling me slurs.  My mother called me invalid, and confused, and my dad called me a spoiled brat because I wanted them to use my pronouns and stop deadnaming me.  That was the worst day of my life.  It was so painful hearing my own parents practically call me a mistake.

I came out to the rest of my family, and to my surprise, they were all supportive.  They stopped using my deadname and started using my he/him pronouns.  And then they made my world shine the brightest that it had in years.  They got my parents on their side and they also started using my new name and he/him pronouns.  I was so happy and it was amazing.

They got my name changed in the school system and all the teachers started using my proper pronouns and called me Ace.  While I was happy, there were always those people who had to bring my spirit down.  There were people who called me slurs, constantly deadnamed me, and always used she/her pronouns.  It was hard as hell, but I knew I had to get through it.


Chapter 3:  Transitioning


At age 16, I started testosterone.  It made me so happy, but I knew that it wasn't going to fix what my body was now.  I wanted a binder, but I didn’t know if my parents were willing to buy me one.  So I started using bandages, even though I knew it wasn’t safe.  I was willing to do anything to be happier with my body.  Once my friends found out that I wasn’t binding safely, they gathered some money, and they bought me a binder.

After they bought me the binder, I felt the most confident in my body than I had ever since I was little.  I started noticing that my voice was getting deeper due to the testosterone and that my menstrual flow was slowing down and was almost completely gone.  I was going through all of the changes that testosterone was supposed to do and it was honestly the best time of my life.

3 years later and I’m 19 years old.  I scheduled an appointment for top surgery to get rid of my breasts completely.  While I did like the binder because it made my chest look smaller, it was kind of uncomfortable throughout the day, and I didn’t like the fact that I had to take it off every 8-12 hours.  I was so excited to get the surgery, but I was also scared.  I was scared because I knew that it was going to hurt after I got the surgery, but I was so ready for it, that almost all of that fear was gone before the surgery.


Chapter 4:  Aftermath


 After the top surgery, I was in really bad pain as I expected, but I knew that it would all be worth it in the end.  4 days later, I got to go home.  I was still in a small amount of discomfort, and I was really bruised up, but I was happy that it was over and not as painful.  Everything was going as planned.  I was happy, and safe in my own skin.  But I hated being known as “that one trans man.”  I decided that I was going to move.  Far away, where no one would know who I was or that I was trans.  I decided to move from Indiana all the way to California.

I packed my bags and left.  I left everyone and almost everything.  I flew the 4 and a half hour flight and went to a hotel in California.  I ended up finding a job that could pay for the cost of the hotel until I could find a decently cheap place to buy.  A couple months later, I found a small house that was going to be the perfect place for me.  I found another job and quit the one that I was currently working, and started making more money.

After I was able to get settled in the new house, I started looking for new people, people who I could trust to know my secret of being transgender.  As I found new people and started making friends, I met a girl, her name was Ella.  When I met Ella, my heart melted.  She was so sweet, and she supported me being transgender.  After being friends for a couple of weeks, she asked me to be her boyfriend.  I said yes.  After a couple of months, we decided to move in together.

With the house that I bought being so small, it was very crowded for the both of us to be living together.  So we both started saving money to buy a house together.  We were desperate to buy a new house and move in together, so we both started working overtime, and to be completely honest, it was stressful.  After 3 month of us both working overtime, and 2 months of just regular hours, we finally had enough money saved to buy a nice, large house that we both liked.

After moving and getting settled into the new house, we were both happy.  I ended up getting to meet Ella’s family, and they also supported me being transgender.  I booked a flight for my family to come down to California to see me and Ella, and they loved her.  At this point, I had been living in California for almost 2 years now, and Ella and I had been together for a year and 7 months.  We were both at the happiest point in our lives that we had been in a long time.


Submitted: April 17, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Skylee Janes. All rights reserved.

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