Scared love

Scared Love- A Memoir by Roseanne L.

I thought my whole life that love would never find me. I had a great childhood and single life. I had been working at a law firm in Downtown Brooklyn where a friend of mine introduced me to an online dating site. I kept swiping because there was no that caught my eye.  My boss called me into his office because he needed a contract to be edited. At that particular moment my coworker clicked on a profile that she thought I would be interested in and proceeded to message him.  Upon my return to my desk I had a message from the profile that she had messaged his name was Dominic. He looked handsome, had a sexy smile. We went out to dinner that night. He seemed nice, sweet and was a gentleman. He opened the door to the restaurant and gave me a red rose and a hug. His smell was irresistible. We ordered our meal,  I had the penne vodka and he had the chicken parmigiana. It was really good.  After dinner we gave  each other a hug and kiss goodnight and went our separate ways.  The kiss was very romantic and sensual.   I didn’t want to seem desperate so I waited three days to send a text. However he beat me to it on the second day.  Dominic seemed very interested in me.

On November 10 2010 he picked me up from work and surprised me  with  a dozen white stem roses  and he asked me to bring his girlfriend. I was in complete awe . I happily accepted. We had our share of fun and arguments which were normal.  We dated for six months, always talking about the future which is rare to find nowadays without the man running away. 

On April 16 2011, he took me to the beach, the scene was perfect beautiful sunset  warm spring air that's where he got down on one knee and proposed. I was overjoyed with happiness and tears of joy. I said yes.  We went back to my house where my family was waiting to congratulate us with champagne. It was a day to remember. This was my first marriage as for Dominic  this was his second.  The wedding preparations were underway. I asked my sister in laws Michelle and Laura to be my matron of honors.  Dominic asked his brother in law frank to be his best man. We had a big Italian bridal party totaling 18.  We looked at venues and booked the Crest Hollow Country Club. Our wedding date was October 14, 2012.

 We had our first holidays as an engaged couple all good things. The New Year had kicked in and during that time my father became very sick and ended up in the hospital with diseases associated with smoking.  My father was rapidly deteriorating.  He spent two months in hospital.  My father passed away June 12, 2012. My father was surrounded by his children and wife at the time of passing.  We had a beautiful service for him and was laid to rest at St. John cemetery.  It was very hard to continue to plan a wedding, but everything was paid for. Unfortunately I couldn’t cancel because I kept my promise to my dad to follow my heart and keep smiling and I fulfilled his wishes. 

August 5, 2012 my mother surprised me with a gorgeous bridal shower there was a total of 85. It was at Bruno’s Ristorante in Howard Beach. The decorations were beautiful, the food beyond delicious and the guests were all family and friends.  I had so many gifts. With all  that was going on we had to find an apartment to live in. We found one and we were beyond blessed with the landlords two amazing ladies who became family.  During the midst of it all I started to feel sick and not knowing why. It turned out I became pregnant. I was so grateful for this precious gift that God blessed me with. The day of the wedding came. It was a beautiful sunny  70 degree day in October.  I got my hair and makeup done. As I was doing my makeup I knew my father came to visit me because the girl who was putting my make up on her name was Andrea and so were her makeup products. Oh how I missed my father but I knew to keep smiling. It was time to put my dress on which was a Pnina Tornai design. I felt like a true princess. I had cathedral veil absolutely stunning. I had all the girls come to my house for pictures and video taking.  It was time to leave for the ceremony followed by the reception. I had a white Rolls Royce and the bridal party had a Cadillac stretch. 

My mother came with me in the car.  We arrived at the venue and  before the ceremony took place, we took pictures of where Dominic was waiting for me . It was called the first look. I approached Dominic and placed my hand on his shoulder. He turned around he became teary eyed.  We took our family and bridal party photos.  The time was 4pm and it was time for the wedding ceremony.  Parents and Grandparents proceeded first followed by the  wedding party. Lastly it was my turn as I held my mother’s hand. We both walked the aisle and I couldn’t help think of my father.  However I kept strong and at the altar stood the man whom I thought I would grow old with.  We had a great reception, amazing food ,great music and ended the night with fireworks.  The next day it was time to go on our honeymoon to Las Vegas somewhere I really didn’t want to go in the beginning but to keep the happiness in my relationship I agreed to Vegas. It. was a nice trip. We saw some sites, gambled a little and even met Pauly D from The Jersey Shore.  Upon coming home it was when reality set in. I had a husband and home to build. I was happy. I built this home with Dominic. It was then I was starting to see his true colors. He was always in between jobs. I was responsible for everything and I did it all while working a 9-5 job and pregnant.   Dominic would go on interviews and then that would be his day. He would stay home and play his play station. I would come home and have to make dinner and then clean up. Dominic proceeded  back to play with his video games. 

There was one night I was really upset I was six Months pregnant. I threw him out because I just couldn’t take it no more. I was extremely overwhelmed.  The next day he came back and apologized but that only lasted for a week.  It was time for my six months appointment and we found out we are having a beautiful baby boy.  That was the only appointment he ever came too. With all the stress I had encountered I was mid-way into my seventh month when I noticed my feet swelling up like balloons. I went to the doctor with my 85 year old grandmother and was told I had preeclampsia and was put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. 

 I was given a due date of May 27 2013. I felt great. I had a lot of energy, however as per doctor’s order I had to limit my activities and keep my feet elevated.

One night on April 16, 2013 I got up to use the restroom. I didn’t know what was happening. My water had broken. I didn’t feel anything, no contractions no pain nothing. We raced to the Long Island Jewish hospital where I was told this was pre labor and since I was not dilated I ended up being induced for three days. On April 19, 2013 at 12:30pm, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy weighing in at 4.2 pounds and 19 inches long. He was the most precious baby I have ever seen and fell in love instantly. We named him Giancarlo.  He stayed a day in the NICU just to keep him warm.  Thanks to god he gained some weight and was able to come home.  My journey as a mother would begin. I would get up every three hours to feed and burp and change my baby. I would just absorb all the love. Dominic never got up. I did it all alone but I didn’t care at that particular time because I had my son and it was all about him and to me that’s all that mattered.  As time went on things between myself and Dominic started to change. I was starting to fall out of love but for the sake of my son I tried and kept strong. A year later I became pregnant with my daughter. I was overjoyed. Once again I did every single appointment alone this time he didn’t attend one. I cried because I felt alone but I didn’t want to show the world and especially my family.

My daughter was born October 7, 2014 I named her Sofia.  She weighed in at 6.12 pounds and 20 inches long I was full term with her.  Now I’m juggling a home and two kids alone with no help from him. I kept it all in and continued to stay strong.  As you all know your body changes a lot before and after pregnancy. Some will lose the weight and some will have harder time for the weight to come off. In my case I couldn’t get rid of my weight. I tried every single diet that existed, nothing worked so I tried my best to keep healthy.

 Let’s all face it when you’re a mom your time goes to your family hardly making time for yourself. Getting a manicure and pedicure was like a vacation to the islands for me.  When I did have time to myself when the kids were sleeping I would be alone because he would be always playing video games and never paid mind to me. There were times that I would want to get intimate and he would just ignore me. 

We would often go months without being intimate and I would just cry myself to sleep because I felt as if my husband thought I was repulsive.   Dominic after a few months finally found a secure job with great pay and benefits. I was happy because I was struggling as it is.  In a normal world everyone works therefore we should help each other. 

Not in my case sometimes he would be home before me and I being tired from a long day would have to pick up kids at daycare and come home and make dinner, feed everyone clean up and get two kids ready for bed. His excuse for not helping me was he worked all day and was busy relaxing. Once again I took the hurt and pain and buried it within myself. We fought a lot because he would never help me in return for all that I had done. I was never appreciated for anything. I was never complimented in fact I was verbally abused for many years called all types of explicit names and he taught my small children to call me in reference to my weight. They would all laugh. I would scold the children but they didn’t know the difference between right or wrong. We fought and fought. Oftentimes I would fight him like a man but he never put his hands on me. He would just take the hits. 

One day I decided it was time for a change. I decided to have gastric sleeve surgery. I did all the testing and passed. I was scheduled for surgery August 23, 2017. He did not come with me to the hospital. Instead my mother accompanied me to the hospital. The children were in daycare. The surgery took a few hours and it was a success. 

I was left alone in the hospital. No one came to visit me, not even my husband. My mother had to care for my children. He didn’t even call me to see how I was feeling. I cried a lot that night. The next morning I was cleared to go home and he came to take me home ridiculing me and telling me let’s go I was in so much pain. He got nasty with the nurses because they took their time discharging me. I was very much embarrassed. Upon arriving home he didn’t care for me. 

I was left to care for myself and my kids. My mom helped me as much as she could but she was tired for her own reasons.  I stood home for three days and then went back to work because we needed the money and someone had to be the responsible one.  As time went on the weight started to come off and I started slimming down in the first month I had lost 40 pounds. I started to fit back into clothes I couldn’t wear before. I started to regain my self-confidence back and life.  I would go to work, come home, care for my kids, do house chores and exercise.

The weight kept coming off and I had so much energy.   One morning as I was getting ready for work he noticed I had put on sexy lingerie and actually complimented me. I didn’t care for his words and kept on getting ready.  The love and respect I had for him was long gone. So whenever he suggested to go out on dates and get intimate I would say no or play his game and say I’m busy.  There were times I would force myself to have sex with him so that he would leave me alone. 

It was March 8, 2018 a beautiful Saturday afternoon I was home with kids folding laundry and I happened to be on Facebook. I had gotten a friend request from a very handsome man whose profile name was “Daniel Bush''. I reviewed the account and I said ok to his request. He had the most amazing smile and the way he spoke was even sexier.  I couldn’t stop smiling because he made me feel special and his words were so romantic.  We became friends. 

I was still married to Dominic however our marriage to me was over.  Daniel would talk to me every day and his words melted my Heart he would compliment me and adore me in a way I wasn't used to. 

We would talk on the phone and when it came time to FaceTime the connection was always bad. So I really couldn’t see him.  At first it didn't faze me because I was blinded by beautiful words and handsome pictures. Daniel profession was independent engineer for oil and gas. 

 As time went on we continued our online relationship thinking nothing of it because I was finally happy. One day Daniel messaged me that he suffered an oil spill and was in complete chaos. He seemed depressed and stressed.  I had asked him if there was anything I could do to help him. He said if I could send 5k to help with the cost of oil cleaning.  Like I said I thought nothing of it.  So I sent it because I felt bad and wanted to help.  He thanked me a million times for the funds.

This oil spill story went on for quite a while. Maybe like three months  he asked for another 6k and I being blinded-sided by happiness sent it. I had sent him 11,000 I total through PayPal.  This relationship lasted six months after great heartache and exhaustion from him always promising me he would come and see him and never did. I had to end it.  The person who opened my mind and eyes was my aunt. She works for a major bank and was telling me a similar story of a customer who was experiencing the same thing as me. 

I immediately contacted PayPal and got all my money back they investigated and saw it was fraud. Thank you to god I got it all back.  He kept contacting me and I kept ignoring him.  I did a little research and came upon a website where you can upload the picture of a person and it gives you the real person. 

It turned out Daniel Bush was fake. The real person in the picture was a real estate mogul  who is very well-known in Dubai.  The site gave his social media Websites and emails. So I took the liberty to email this man and inform him on what was going on and that his pictures were the case of identity fraud. I informed him on everything. I didn’t think anything of it and not even expecting a response back. I was wrong. On August 6, 2019 he responded back to my email.  I was in great shock. He introduced himself as Brian. He apologized for what had happened to me and was completely heartbroken for me.

 I didn’t want anything from him all I wanted him to know was that his photos were being used for fraud.  He thanked me a lot.  He gave me his personal email and phone number and instructed me to forward everything on this person so that he could have his investigators perform a full search on who was really behind this fraud. Brian was very sweet and caring. He would oftentimes check in on me to see how I was holding up which I thought was very nice being that he was always busy.   I went on with my daily life activities. Brian and I would often check in on one another on a friendly basis nothing more.  As time went on Brian and I started to talk a little more everyday which I was really enjoying.  He never once asked me for anything.

Brian is a very handsome, mature man with great success. His way of looking at life and the world is phenomenal. He is very calm and soothing, he is definitely not a New Yorker lol.

Brian helped me gain my self-confidence and life back. He also put my heart back at ease. Brian was my savior. He saved me from a lot of life struggles, such as depression and often thoughts of suicide. I am forever grateful for him. I am so blessed to have him in my life as my best friend and love. 

As for my marriage with Dominic, it was over, I filed for divorce and got full custody of children. Dominic just sees kids every other weekend for a few hours and no sleep overs. He provides for his kids but that is it. He has moved on and has a girlfriend whom I met and seems nice. 

As for me, I still talk to Brian, he is wonderful in all ways, shape and form. However with the distance between us we just talk a lot on the phone for now.  We have shared our feelings for one another. His love hit me like a lightning bolt. He makes me feel special, appreciated, loved and so much more. He is coming to visit me soon, which I am very excited about. 

 I have suffered many life challenges and I have kept strong.  God has a plan for me and I have yet to see what the outcome of it is. I care for my children, I work  a 9-5 job , and go out occasionally.  A very wise and special person whom I value with everything always tells me to believe in myself, keep the faith and be the unstoppable person I can be and don't let anyone stand in my way. As for my life plan I don’t have one. I just want to live life, explore the world and whatever happens happens.