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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


(A MAN walks in abruptly into a confession booth)
YOUNG MAN. I have come here to confess.
OLD PRIEST. Sit down please.
YOUNG MAN. Forgive me, I don’t know the proper rituals.
OLD PRIEST. Is that your confession?
YOUNG MAN. What… no! I just mean sorry if I’m a bit clumsy
OLD PRIEST. Ah… okay. What’re your sins my son?
YOUNG MAN. Oh it’s only one. 
OLD PRIEST. Only one?
OLD PRIEST. But surely you must have more than one? Man is never free from sin after all, even when he is unaware of them. 
YOUNG MAN. No father, it’s only one
OLD PRIEST. Are you saying that you only have one sin?
YOUNG MAN. No, I just mean I’m only aware of one and I wanna talk to you about it.
OLD PRIEST. Well that’s a bit improper. Why don’t you wanna talk about your other sins? Do you not care for them? Every sin is important my son.
YOUNG MAN. How am I supposed to talk about them if I’m unaware of them? Have you been listening to what I’m saying?
OLD PRIEST. Oh… sorry. I must’ve missed that. You will have to forgive me for my old age. I’m not as quick as I used to be.
YOUNG MAN. It’s okay, I forgive you.
OLD PRIEST. Thank you my son.
YOUNG MAN. So now can you forgive me
OLD PRIEST. For what?
YOUNG MAN. Do I need to tell you?
OLD PRIEST. Well, yes.
YOUNG MAN. Why? You know I’ve sinned. Can’t you just forgive me?
OLD PRIEST. Because I need to know if you repent it and will try to do better.
YOUNG MAN. But I’ve just forgiven you for your old age (and I know you can’t do better with that).
OLD PRIEST. That is not a sin! 
YOUNG MAN. So why did you say ‘forgive me’?
OLD PRIEST. It was just a figure of expression!
YOUNG MAN. Oh… well forgive me then.
OLD PRIEST. It’s okay. God forgives you.
YOUNG MAN. But I haven’t sinned!
OLD PRIEST. Then why did you say ‘forgive me’?
YOUNG MAN. For the exact same reason as you: it’s a ‘figure of expression’.
OLD PRIEST. Oh… well my answer was also a figure of expression then.
YOUNG MAN. Are you saying that ‘God forgives you’ is only a figure of expression?
OLD PRIEST. Oh.. uhm… no. Just get to the point boy! Stop playing mind games with me! Why have you come here?
YOUNG MAN. Forgive me father for I have sinned.
OLD PRIEST. Yes, I already know that. I mean, what have you done to cause you to come here?
YOUNG MAN. Oh… well I have sinned.
YOUNG MAN. Alright, alright, I apologize father. My sin is that I have stolen a car.
OLD PRIEST. Do you repent it?
YOUNG MAN. Fuck no. It was my cunt boss’s car. He deserves it.
OLD PRIEST. Do not swear in God’s holy church!
YOUNG MAN. Sorry father.
OLD PRIEST. So you did it out of some sense of retribution or payback?
YOUNG MAN. I guess so. Plus I needed the quick transport.
OLD PRIEST. To what?
YOUNG MAN. Well to here of course. So that I could confess.
OLD PRIEST. You mean that you have brought a stolen car – the object of your sin – back here to this church?
YOUNG MAN. Well, yes. 
OLD PRIEST. And that one of the reasons why you have stolen it is so that you could come here and confess about it?
YOUNG MAN. Yes, that’s perfectly right.
OLD PRIEST. Well, I am sorry boy, but that defeats the whole purpose of a confession. In fact it is not a confession. You have come here to show off your sin, not repent for it. How do you expect me to forgive you? 
YOUNG MAN. By saying ‘I forgive you’. 
OLD PRIEST. Who do you think I am? If you do not repent your sin then I am unable to forgive you.
YOUNG MAN. Well obviously I recognise that it’s a sin. I just don’t care though.
OLD PRIEST. How is that possible? If you recognize that it’s a sin then surely your conscience must seek forgiveness.
YOUNG MAN. I do seek forgiveness.
OLD PRIEST. What… But I thought you said you didn’t care.
YOUNG MAN. It is true. I don’t care.
OLD PRIEST. I am confused…
YOUNG MAN. What is there to be confused about? I have committed a sin and I am asking you (or God) to forgive me.
OLD PRIEST. God speaks through me so you’re asking God.
YOUNG MAN. Whatever, one of youse will do.
OLD PRIEST. Son, I don’t think you understand. For me (or God) to forgive you: you must repent.
OLD PRIEST. Because that’s how it works. If you want forgiveness then surely you must feel bad about it.
YOUNG MAN. But I don’t.
OLD PRIEST. Then why do you want forgiveness?
YOUNG MAN. I don’t know, I guess because it would save me a lot of trouble when I die. You know, from going to hell and all of that…
OLD PRIEST. I still don’t think you understand. Confession is not a game. You can’t just buy forgiveness. You have to truly repent.
YOUNG MAN. Okay, what would it take for me to repent?
YOUNG MAN. What do I need to do or say?
OLD PRIEST. It is not an action. It is how you feel.
YOUNG MAN. Then how do I get to that feeling?
OLD PRIEST. By seeing the bad in what you’ve done.
YOUNG MAN. But isn’t that just repenting?
YOUNG MAN. So, your answer for repenting is… repenting?
OLD PRIEST. Look, if you do not repent, then I don’t know how to help you.
YOUNG MAN. Wow, that’s not very priest-like of you. So what, only help the ones who feel shame?
OLD PRIEST. We all feel shame.
YOUNG MAN. Not me.
OLD PRIEST. Well, then I think you’re lying to yourself. We are all born the same. It is against human nature to harm others. Why did you think you came here? Of course you repent!
YOUNG MAN. But I don’t! And you were gonna kick me out even with that faith?
OLD PRIEST. I wasn’t gonna kick you out…
YOUNG MAN. Then why did you say: ‘I can’t help you’.
OLD PRIEST. That was a mistake on my part. Sometimes I forget the faith of God.
YOUNG MAN. See, we all make mistakes. So why can’t you just forgive me?
OLD PRIEST. But I repented! There’s the difference!
YOUNG MAN. Hell I give up.
OLD PRIEST. Wait hold on.
YOUNG MAN. I’m gonna go.
OLD PRIEST. I said wait.
OLD PRIEST. Why do you not feel no shame?
YOUNG MAN. Because it’s my boss, what do you think.
OLD PRIEST. And so what? He’s human too.
YOUNG MAN. Actually no, he’s not.
OLD PRIEST. I don’t understand.
YOUNG MAN. ‘Bosses’ aren’t humans. They’re just robots giving you orders. Gary Promwell, sure – he’s a human. But my boss, no – fuck that guy.
OLD PRIEST. Language!
OLD PRIEST. I get what you mean though... But this role that he plays is just another human invention. It’s all a part of the ‘business’ machine. You have to understand that
YOUNG MAN. Sure, maybe it’s created by humans, but that doesn’t mean it’s human in nature.
OLD PRIEST. Hmmm.... Now we are at the root of your problem. You’re incapable of seeing your boss as a human. So then, it is quite normal for you not to feel any guilt when you steal his car.
YOUNG MAN. I didn’t come here to be analysed!
OLD PRIEST. But you seek my forgiveness?
YOUNG MAN. Yes, yours or God’s (through you) or whatever.
OLD PRIEST. Then I’m sorry, but I must understand you.
(The YOUNG MAN sighs)
YOUNG MAN. I didn’t think this would take so much work. I thought I could just tell my story and you would forgive me. Would it help if I said I repented?
OLD PRIEST. But would it be genuine.
OLD PRIEST. Then no.
(The YOUNG MAN sighs again)
YOUNG MAN. Well this is a waste of time then.
OLD PRIEST. A communion with God is never a waste of time.
YOUNG MAN. But I’m not communing with him.
OLD PRIEST. Yes, you are, subconsciously.
YOUNG MAN. Well, what is he saying then? Cuz I can’t hear jack shit!
OLD PRIEST. He forgives you.
YOUNG MAN. Really?
OLD PRIEST. Yes, he hears the pain you suffer and relinquishes you of it
(The YOUNG MAN starts crying)
YOUNG MAN. Thank god…
OLD PRIEST. But for his forgiveness to be enacted –
OLD PRIEST. – you must repent.
OLD PRIEST. It’s as simple as that. God will only be able to forgive you once you repent. He wants to forgive you but only once you repent.
YOUNG MAN. Yes, you’ve said that like twenty times now.
OLD PRIEST. So repent.
OLD PRIEST. What would it take for you to repent? 
YOUNG MAN. Everything. It would take everything. You don’t understand, this guy was a dick to me for years! For years I was humiliated. He never liked me. It would take all my pride and dignity. I can’t do it, I just can’t.
OLD PRIEST. Is it worth rotting in hell for eternity?
OLD PRIEST. It seems to me like you’re trying to convince yourself that you can’t. But your soul has already accepted it. Follow your body, my son. Let go.
(The YOUNG MAN looks up. His eyes are stunned).
OLD PRIEST. You may repent now.
YOUNG MAN. I repent. 
OLD PRIEST. God blesses you in his forgiveness. Amen.



Submitted: April 29, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Theo Villepo. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:



Nice one.i like ur story.

Thu, April 29th, 2021 7:39pm


Your story

I love your story.it's awesome,funny and nice ending.

Thu, April 29th, 2021 7:43pm


Thank u!

Thu, April 29th, 2021 1:46pm

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