At the end of love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Love Struck


At times it feels lonely. It feels like there is only you and I in this world. I keep drowning in my thoughts, again and again. why can’t I seem to move on? Why does everything I do reminds me of you. You, who I hate so much. We used to be so in love. Everyday felt like it would go on forever. I held so much of you in me that It felt like I couldn’t breathe without you. I literally couldn’t go a day without you. We were fate, our souls intertwined together so perfectly. I wanted to love you in your darkest hour, I wanted to embrace your wounds as if they were mine. My heart ached when I saw you cry. That’s. That’s how deep I was in love. I felt like you made me fly, I couldn’t see things clearly. Because you were my visions, you were my strength, my hope and my heart. 

 

So how did we end up like this?

 

People say breakup is heartbreaking, you get so used to someone that it feels weird to realize on day they’re not there anymore. One word turns into the last one and that’s it. Months and years of growing to love someone just disappears. Just like that. Everything you have worked for is gone. But why does mine feel like my heart is being ripped out? It feels like I have been hit by a bullet. My heart is bleeding, and I can’t stop it. No one can rescue me. I feel myself slowing dying. The pain hurts so much. It’s not just about building and spending time with someone and that been taking away from you, it is the psychological state I am being left in. Imagine falling in love with someone and this person feels like your forever, you dream at night, fantasizing growing old with them. They are the only future you have come to know. They became a staple in your life. Just as you woke up in the morning every day to brush your teeth, they were just like that. So normal, so real, so necessary. They had to be there. You didn’t wake up in the morning thinking “what if my toothbrush wasn’t here, what if I can’t brush my teeth anymore?” you just did. And that’s what this person is like, something we don’t imagine without.

 

So, when that person isn’t there any longer, they don’t fill a space inside you any longer: It torturous. It feels like a void you can never fill. It feels worse than death. With death, you can come to an understanding, that they didn’t choose to leave you. God took them, life had its path for them. But how do you deal with someone who you desperately yearn for and they are right there, but you just can’t touch them. They made that decision to leave you. to abandon you and your love because they didn’t want to be with you any longer. It is horrifying and traumatic. And it all happened through these words: 

 

“I just don’t love you anymore. I tried to, I really did, but there’s nothing more worth holding onto. You’re just another person going through this world.”

 

My biggest fear, like I always told you, was that one day you’ll wake up and say you don’t love me anymore. I told you, that’s the reason I never wanted to be in love. But now, I wish that was what happened. I wish one day, you did wake up and felt out of love with me, that way you wouldn’t have a reason. It will confuse you as well. That way, how randomly it happened, the feeling can randomly go away go. But instead, it manifested worse, I felt the love leave your body every single day. I felt your smiles get smaller, your laughs drying up. I felt you move away inch by inch. It ripped me apart every day. You didn’t understand what was happening within you, but I did. I felt that transformation happen, and I didn’t want to believe it. Maybe I was afraid if I asked a question or two, it would open a can of worm I wasn’t ready for. Maybe if I asked if we were okay, you would realize we weren’t. Maybe an inch would have been a mile. But now I realize, this is much worse. You coming to terms with your feelings changing was much worse. Because you realized it, when you were at a breaking point. One I couldn’t do anything about. 

 

How do you combat someone falling out of love you? if I did something wrong, I can fix it. if it was environmental pressure we could move, or societal pressure, I could turn a blind eye. Or even mental, we’ll see a counselor, we’ll work through it. But this was like fighting a battle the opponent had already given up on. In realization, you’re only fighting yourself. I had become someone you couldn’t love anymore. That feeling gradually faded. And do you know how it feels not to love someone? They don’t matter. They could be just another person on the street. You don’t care what happens to them. You are not interested in who they are, their past or future, wins or losses. What makes them happy or sad, they’re just another of God’s creation with no relation to you. HOW CAN I FATHOM BEING THAT TO YOU?!! how do I… how do I go from being your everything to nothing at all? How can I watch the stars leave your eyes?

 

I am so broken. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix you or if I can. You’ve left me and I get tortured by that every day. There’s no you to wake up to, there is no you to love. Who would love you as much as I do? Who can do that? 


Submitted: May 02, 2021

© Copyright 2021 deepwithindarkness. All rights reserved.

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