Unconsious Wish

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


I'm in my bed under my covers watching anime it's about LGBTQ love of course. I feel safe I feel warm and calm I'm absorbed in the plot of the story the images of light that flicker back at me. Then a knock at my door it's my dad hey son he says I say yea the mail came for you he said dread washes over me. I haven't been near my dad in a couple of weeks might have been a month even though we live in the same house I have resented him ever since I realized who he truly was. I get up still fazed by the story like when a person gets drunk after a beer. I turn on the light I take of my pajamas put on some pants turn my computer on to make him think I was on it. Then open the door to see my father holding out the envelope he tells me he put an extra 20 on the inside for winning the contest. I put on a fake smile and say thanks I take it he opens his arms for a hug I was going to fake hug but. Then I stop my body unable to move I'm trying to hug him moving slightly but my body won't let me then I'm washed with grief sorrow and anger all at the same time. I take out the 20 hands it back to him and go back to my room I wonder if he will get mad at me for not hugging him. But he didn’t seem mad he probably thought... Honestly, I don’t know. I go against the wall listening until the beat of his shoes walking on the floor is gone. My heart beating fast my breath quickening I don’t know what to do the thoughts of killing myself seep back into my mind like a snake I think why didn’t you hug him why. I don’t know what to do I'm having a panic attack then I start to recall what I just did writing the events in my brain as if it was a story. Then I realize I should write this down as I'm writing my heartbeat slows, I get into that writer's mode the thoughts of what just happened come to me and pass by I'm calm I'm ok but the real question is what will happen next time. 


Submitted: May 11, 2021

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