Billy Diddle's long sword

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A short knight has a very long sword.

Billy Diddle ran for his life. He ran from the wolf people as fast as his short legs could carry him; across the stream, through the meadow, and into the forest. So close were they on his heels, he had to dart beneath a wickfinger tree and hide in its gnarly roots.

"You'll not hide from us for long, little runt!" snarled Head Wolf Harry, looking and sniffing all about. "You're here somewhere--I smell your horny hide!"

"He wanted to violate me, Daddy!" cried Head Wolf Harry's young daughter, Daphne.

Billy yelled back, "I thought you were a sleeping princess!"

Daphne giggled and told her father, "Perhaps we should let him go, Daddy. As any man would, he saw my beauty and was overcome. It's only natural."

"Never!" growled Head Wolf Harry. "Come out now, and I'll only eat one of your legs! Well, maybe two!"

Daphne put on her very best "please daddy" face and tugged at his arm, saying, "He barely even touched my hot pocket, Daddy."

Head Wolf Harry loved his daughter very, very much, so in his strong, deep voice, he called out to Billy Diddle, "My dear daughter has convinced me not to eat you, nor even a small part of you. Be a man, come out now and face me."

Reluctantly, Billy Diddle slithered out from under the roots and stood before the wolves with his hand on the hilt of his very long sword. A hush fell over the wolf people as all eyes were drawn to the frightening weapon.

"You didn't tell me he had a neck-chopper!" whispered Head Wolf Harry to his daughter.

Daphne's jaw hung open and she slurred, "I didn't even know he had that long, long thing, Daddy."

Head Wolf Harry cleared his throat and nervously said, "For fiddling with my daughter, you must now marry her, Billy Diddle. You can't keep that, uh, that... long thing, though. No sir, it's much too long, so you must throw it in the lake."

Billy Diddle's hand squeezed the hilt tighter and he replied, "I'm sorry, but this sword belonged to my father and it shall never leave my side. Furthermore, I thought I was stealing favors from a lovely human girl and had no idea she would change into that hairy, toothy thing next to you. Never would I marry her! Never!"

Daphne screeched, "Get him, Daddy!" and the angry wolf people came at Billy Diddle with blood in their eyes. Billy barely had time to say to himself, 'Oops, I should've been more subtle' before turning his short legs loose and running away as fast as he could. On through the dense forest he flew with the wolves close behind, gnashing and clawing all the way. Soon the land inclined upwards and Billy saw a high mountain rising from the forest. Not slowing even a little, he began to climb.

"Stop," said Head Wolf Harry to the wolf horde, raising his hand. "We must stop here. The fool climbs Queen Doodle Mountain."

Daphne moaned, "Oh, Daddy, can't we just catch him and kill him--he said I was hairy."

"I'm sorry, darling." replied her father. "Not to worry, though; no one comes back from Queen Doodle Mountain alive. Just a few burnt bones tumble down from time to time. A great evil resides there."

Daphne told him, "Oh, alright." and they all retreated back to the village, slowly returning to human form as they went.

Billy Diddle continued to climb, dragging his very long sword behind. Of utmost importance was saving his skin, so he dared not slow down until the top was reached. With his very big ears, he'd heard Head Wolf Harry saying something about an evil residing on Queen Doodle Mountain, and scoffed at the idea.

 "Ha! What could be worse than having a pretty girl turn into a hairy, wolf-faced monster right as your itch is nearly scratched? There'll be nothing up here that scares me!"

An hour later, Billy Diddle crested the mountain and saw a huge castle with towers so tall they touched the sky. "Balls!" he cried, and hurried toward it. "This queen lives in high style!" His long sword clanking along on the red bricks of the courtyard, he thought, "I can't wait to see all the young maids!" As he entered through the high arched entrance, he saw no guards. Neither were there young maids, nor anyone, for that matter.

"Uninhabited! Empty! I so wished for there to be young maids who'd give comfort and fulfill my needs!" Slowing his step, he groaned, "Oh, such a lonely king I'll be."

Billy Diddle poked and piddled about the castle, still hoping to find something nice. Finally, he saw a massive mahogany door with a gold doorknob.

"The queen's chamber! This is where I shall sleep!"

Billy Diddle opened the door and entered, his wide eyes drinking in the lush and exorbitant furnishings like delicious, fine wine.

"This suits me. And yes, there's the bed. Such a fine, luxurious bed, but one in which I'll have to lie alone."

Billy pulled back the curtains and saw a heap of soft fur blankets and silken sheets. Exhausted from his rough day, he stripped naked and crawled in. (keeping his sword on, of course)

"Ah, this is nice. So soft. The queen slept here. I can still smell her sweet odor."

"And I can smell yours!" said Queen Doodle as she rose from the mass of bedding and grabbed hold of Billy Diddle.

"Aaeeee!" he screamed as she pulled his face into her large breasts and locked her legs around him. Five minutes of wild, furious love-making later, the two sat on the floor, sipping brandy and smoking a water pipe.

"You know..." she said with a grin, "I usually feed you men to my dragon right after I've had a little go, but I think I'll grant you a wish first."

Billy Diddle told her, "Heh-heh, well, in that case, I wish to be set free."

"Oh, no," replied Queen Doodle, "I can't do that. You must wish for something different."

Billy Diddle said to himself, 'No way. She's not gonna feed me to any dragon! No one knows that my very long sword is really just a tiny, short shank, broken years ago when mother struck me over the head with it." Grasping the hilt of his seemingly very long sword, he pulled it from the scabbard and showed it to Queen Doodle.

"Why, it's just a nub!" she giggled.

"Please, could you make it long again?" begged Billy Diddle, motioning at the tiny blade with his eyes.

"Very well, then. l shall make it long, but don't think it's going to protect you. It will be a mere toothpick against my powers." Queen Doodle took a big drink of brandy, a long pull on the water pipe, and with her eyes crossed, waved the wand she'd had hidden under the pillow.


"Oh, dear!" she cried. "I missed!"

Billy Diddle's broken blade was not a hair's width longer, but something sure was. A smile plastered itself across Queen Doodle's face as she admired Billy Diddle's new, long appendage. Her eyes much too large, she said, "Now, there's a real sword!"

Billy Diddle and Queen Doodle were married the next day, and they lived many long, happy years together. Although Billy Diddle's new title was "King Diddle", The queen lovingly called him "Tripod".

Submitted: May 12, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Samuel Dickens. All rights reserved.

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