Tuesdays at 11...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Breaking up with your therapist can be hard to do... although in my case, I was shown the door.

It's been a really long time since I've written anything... anything.  Besides work emails and basic correspondences.  And I have my reasons for writing today.  I feel particularly anxious at the moment but it is mostly my fault for feeling this way.  I've squandered a lot of opportunities in the past several years.  There was a time before 2006, where I would write with more regularity and then I started taking Zoloft.  I started taking it in about 2006 and things changed.  I mostly did it to drown out my thoughts and was hoping it would help with the anxiety.  But there's been a trade-off, off the medication - my life felt full of emotions - probably too much emotion.  But the depression felt strong - but within the depression, there was some clarity to as what's important.  So much of what I felt concerned my family and tears came much more easily.  I was still tormented by thoughts and questions of my intentions and even these dark thoughts that penetrate the heart and soul.  But strangely there was some calmness and I remember things weren't so terrible.  If I never would've got sick and UPS and suffered a breakdown, I would've never started on the medication.  NEVER!  Where would I have ended up?  I'm not sure.  But 15 years on, the amount of time I've been on Zoloft, I still am writing from my parent's house.  Luckily, thankfully, they are still alive.  But I'm afraid of the line I just wrote... Even on the medication, I'm scared for them and my family.  But because of the medication, there aren't the same strong feelings.  I always think about coming off... but then I always take the pill in the morning.  I don't know how to stop the medication... my dilemma is if I come off of it 'in front' of everyone they'll wonder what's happened to me.  Since I'll become quiet and reserved and withdraw.  I guess that's a more real version of me.  The person I am now, feels hopped up on drugs - I feel like there's this 'high' feeling that I didn't have before starting in on Zoloft.  But my goal when I started the medication was to work and invest... I remember the moment I was telling myself before starting the medication, I should take an antidepressant and work like a dog and then leave.  I think I've done that... I managed to save a decent amount of money... there was a time I barely had $1,000 in the bank.  But I don't have a family to show for and have lived a fairly destructive life over the past 15 years.  I've had some unhealthy addictions that would've never or could've done off the medication.  Also the smartphones don't help with these addictions.  So off the medication, it was different, I felt different... But through all these years I've seen a number of therapists.  When I started seeing one back in 2004 or 2005, I was off the medication and things felt dark and raw... I can still imagine those sessions... the direction I faced, his office, the window behind me, the bookcase, leaving the door through the lobby, the fountain in the atrium, the feeling of leaving.  However once I started taking the medication, things began to change.  The sessions become different, I became different... The reality of life changed.  Things felt different... a kind of unreal feeling that follows me to this day.  I once had a psychiatric nurse tell me, 'everyone needs something to get them through life,' she couldn't have been more right - the medication feels like it's getting you through life - but there's no living.

And then things ended with that therapist in about 2009 perhaps... he started to tire with my act.  To the point where he would fall asleep during the sessions.  So I wrote him a goodbye email and he said 'the door is always open' for you.  I never knew a therapist would close a door on a patient.  I always figured doors are always open for people seeking help.  But I would soon find out with my last therapist that isn't the case at all.  The door can be closed on patients or they're run out... I started with this therapist back in July of 2020.  And it started fine, there was no real attachment and I felt comfortable enough, but these were weekly sessions... Every Tuesday at 11 am, that was my timeslot.  It was booked for me.  I remember signing into the portal to check my schedule and she had me booked out for months.  I remember thinking 'how does she know I will continue that long?'  Once a week is quite a commitment, it used to be with previous therapists I would go once every 2 or 3 weeks, I had higher copayments.  But I stuck it out, every Tuesday at 11 am.... never missed an appointment.  She had to skip one week... and I did all the 'homework' she assigned.  And looking back on it now, I felt like there was less anxiety.  But about 2 months ago, we had a bit of a spat where I said, 'not everything is a compulsion,' since I have OCD.  And for whatever reason she seemed to be annoyed with that comment since we kind of went back and forth on the difference between an obsession and a compulsion, she called obsessions 'mental compulsions', so maybe she thought I was telling her how to do her job... but she said, 'i can get you referrals for traditional talk therapy?'  I said, 'if we're not a good match let me know?'  she said, 'you're wasting my time and your time... What are we going to talk about, life?'  And then she said I'll email you some information on ERP and you can decide if you want to continue.  But I sensed she had enough of me and I felt hurt, so I kind of said to myself... 'i need a break...'  and a couple of days later, not knowing she sent the email, i said, 'i could use a break but thanked her for helping me.'  And she replied thanking me for being open with my struggles with her and wanted to know if I wanted a last session for closure.  But I sensed she just wanted to move on at that point and did it more out of formality.  So I wrote back, 'it'll be anxiety-producing and it'll be hard to hide my 'obessions' but I said I might revisit your therapy in the future.

Of course, no response.... it was over.  But then yesterday I was thinking I'll reach out to her since I've been feeling anxious and she did say 'you're always welcome if you want to revisit therapy.'

But I knew my timeslot at 11 was taken, right away.  It almost felt like she needed to move out soem patients to get new ones in.  I guess I didn't make the cut.  So I asked if she any availability or recommendations if she's full...

to which she replied, 'nice to hear from you!'  I really wish I could get you in at your usual time but it filled up really fast and I don't have any other availability at the moment.

here are some referrals... Let me know if you have any questions!

So I sent one LAST email thanking her for getting back to me and saying if anyone cancels or there's an opening and you want to fill it...

I thanked her for the referrals and then wrote 'if i offended you or your practice in any way... I'm sorry for that.'

The end.... there's no going back to my appointments on Tuesday at 11......


Submitted: May 14, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Greg Filmore. All rights reserved.

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