----> I LOVE ETHAN ! -->> "SHY & CUTE ! " ----- Ethan & Jacob ! ---- "I LOVE YOU, BRO !" ------- Ethan's Innocence: Based on a True Story !

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Fantasy Realm

--------------''ADORABLE ETHAN: CUTE and INNOCENT ! '' ----- Ethan and Jacob ! ----------- ETHAN'S INNOCENCE: Based on a True Story ! ------++ ----------- ''I LOVE YOU, BRO ! ''---++

"SCREAMING MYSELF TO SLEEP: ETHAN & JACOB"

(Note: From 2018.  Based on true story. - REALISTIC FANTASY!)

 

(Photo of Ethan Valentine - March 2001. )


August 18th, 1999: The day everything in my life changed.  My brother's date of death and the end of my former innocence.

 

 

 

'Sometimes when I close my eyes and cry at night, within the quiet stillness of the silence, everything gets released and I feel renewed, if just for one more day.  The thought of suicide leaves me, if just for one more day.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 17th, 2001

Dear Diary, 

 

My name is Ethan and I am almost sixteen years old.  I have tanned skin with straight, dark-blonde hair and extravagant brown eyes that sparkle with radiant shimmers when the light glints off them. 

 

I am very handsome (even though I am shy and don't realize it myself) with a tilted, perky nose and cute, handsome lips that curve on the upper lip in an alluring fashion. 


 I am pretty masculine, fairly muscular and bulky with broad shoulders.

 


As well, I also have a mild form of autism that makes me very apprehensive in various respects. 

 


I am a very shy, submissive young boy and a lover of the arts.  When I speak aloud my voice always sounds very nervous and submissive, yet with an underlying tone of masculinity.  I wish I wasn't so extremely shy.  Especially around other handsome teenage guys.


  I also enjoy singing, listening to music, writing and reading literature. 

 

 


I love being in nature to think and meditate.  There's one other dire secret that I must share with you, as well.  I am a ------------. 

No one in my family or in school knows because I am too afraid to ever admit it.  I wouldn't ever dare think of admitting my sexual preferences.  However, I'm sure the other guys in my school have had their suspicions.

 

 

 

My family lives in New Canaan, Connecticut in a private, gated community. 


 My father is a very rich and affluent, high-end lawyer who is always away on business and rarely returns home to visit. 

My mother is a neuro-surgeon and architect who spends her free time attending lavish gala parties for the super rich at the private country club estates when not at home, which is most of the time. 

 

 

 

I feel as though they are never home.  I spend most of my time by myself.  I feel as though they don't have any affection of love towards me anymore since they never care to ever spend time with me and sometimes even act like I am not even there when they are home.


Our gated estate is all locks and bolts.  Hallways, rooms and whole parts of the house remain sealed off. - Including a secret underground area, far beneath our basement, that I've never even ever seen.  All locked away. 


I am a veritable prisoner in this mansion of eternal silence and secrets.

 

 

 

 I will be attending the Private Institute of Roxbury this fall for my highschool years.  My family is very wealthy and our house very lavish and extravagantly luxurious.  Yet, I feel very empty inside with a vicious loneliness that aches from deep within my heart.

 

 

 My dead brother haunts my mind.


No!

I must not try to think of him!

 

 

(photo of Jacob Valentine - circa 1998)

 

I spend my time writing, reading and listening to classical pieces to cope with the constant depression and sadness.  I yearn for another confidante. 

 

My brother was the only person I truly trusted with all my heart.  I could cry on his shoulder and listen to him. 


 After his death, everything in my personal life fell apart.  I found myself clawing and struggling to keep my head above the wicked nightmare of darkness that had pervaded my mind. 

 

 

 


 I was born with a degenerative disease of the eye called photopsia-exogenesis that will result in blindness later in life.  As it is, my night vision is fading away with recurrent bouts of photopsia affecting my eyesight. 

As well, I struggle with my inner feelings of desire and lust that I try to repress but to no avail.

 

 

 

I had to hide my true self at all times. 


 Yet, what would happen if someone suspected or found out?  I was very shy and private, very little chance of that ever happening.  Yet, still the thought entered my mind.  What would happen if they found out about me? 

....


About Jacob?  His hellish demise...

 

 

 

Part I. 

 

 

 

(Ethan is an alluring, handsome young fifteen year old boy who is resting outside in his splendid backyard on a striped porchswing in the middle of a veranda.

He is a very sweet, innocent boy that has flawless tanned skin and dark blonde hair, with warm and sensual brown eyes that sparkle when the light glints off them, perfectly complimenting his cute, masculine figure and broad shoulders. 

 

 Writing a series of poems as an ode to his dead brother, Ethan silently places an arm under his head and falls into a tranquil and warm deep slumber, the late summer breeze blowing his hair softly.)

 

 

 I. Memories of Jacob

 

'Sometimes when I close my eyes and cry at night, within the quiet stillness of the silence, everything gets released and I feel renewed, if just for one more day.  The thought of suicide leaves me, if just for one more day.'

 

 

 


Loving peace and sacred serenity withdrew me into my eternal dreams.  Darkness flowed within my mind and I found myself coming toward a bright, shimmering light.  Tranquility consumed my being, as I found my eyelids slowly opening.

 

 

 


  I had fallen asleep earlier in the dusky glow of the evening's sky, now nearly night time, as darkening clouds of lightning throw gorgeous flashes of luminescent light within the shadows of the garden in our backyard. 

 

Opening my eyes further, I found I was lying on the porch swing in our veranda.  The pink notebook paper I was writing the poem on was lying next to me.  The red pen rolled off and hit the brick tile below. 

 

 

 

'What had I been writing?' I thought to myself, still in a dreamy state of half-awakening.

 

 

 


It had been a poem about my dead brother, Jacob.  The pain and sadness enveloped me once more as tears started to form, my eyes stinging with the hot sensation in terrible remembrance of it. 

 I tore my thoughts away from the memories of him, trying not to cry aloud in pure desolation and misery. 

 

 

 


 'Oh how I miss him unendingly though!  Just to have one more minute with him to hug him and cry on his shoulder like I used to.  Just to be able to talk to him again, if only for a mere moment.  If only it had been me instead of him!' 

I thought to myself, as I silently brought my knees to my chin and rested my head sideways, sniffling away the remembrance of the nightmare of his death, tears silently falling down my blushed cheek of gorgeous beauty.

 

 

 


I sat in this stance for awhile, softly crying and watching the glistening rainfall streaming peacefully from the flowers and dripping lavishly from the boughs of the pine trees. 

 The lush, gorgeous gardens of our backyard forests were my hidden refuge of safety from the world.  It comforted my anguish, softened the misery; if only fleetingly.

 

 

 

'Wow.  How long have I been asleep?' I suddenly thought to myself, wiping the tears from my eyes.

 

I began rolling up the parchment of papers next to me, sliding them back into my composition folder.  Shutting it quickly, I was startled suddenly, as a great roar of thunder resounds in the dusky sky. 

 

 


Shimmering sparkles of raindrops begin to fall forth in a fury before my gaze, alighting the surrounding area in an ethereal, glowing essence, the mist in the garden fading.

 

  I glance around at the rabbits and red birds scurrying to their hidden homes within the forests beyond the garden.  The wind began to blow the glimmering rain in gusts onto my place of seclusion in the darkness of the veranda.

 

 

 


Dark flashes of glittering rainfall streamed and trailed down my handsome face.

The vicious lightning lit the night sky in an otherworldly fury, causing me to gaze up abruptly. 


 I quickly grabbed my notebook and sprinted up the tailored, lush lawn, over the red-brick cobbled pathways and under the swaying limbs of the pine trees with lights strung on them.

 

 

 


I held onto the side of a marble fountain momentarily before I continued running headlong into a vicious rainstorm in the darkness, the flashing rumbles of lightning and fierce, blowing gale of windswept fury splashing forth upon my brow. 

My blonde hair blew forth around my head in beautiful disarray as the wind picked up.  A great flash lit up the horizon beyond the forests in a haunting fashion of terrible zeal.

 

 

 

 

Holding my hands above my eyebrows, I glimpsed the red lantern lit above the dark passage that led into the back foyer of our house in the near distance.


  Making my way over the remaining length of the backyard, I crept under a series of dripping trees and ran up the flight of marble steps that led to the entranceway of the back foyer.

 


Reaching the darkness of the passageway, I found myself completely soaked from head to foot. 

 

My t-shirt and thin shorts lay soaked through to my skin and as I glimpsed down, I noticed I could see straight through my shorts. 

 I pulled my shirt down farther, hiding myself, as I glanced around, feeling as though unknown, menacing eyes were watching me from the shadows. 

 

 

 

 


My composition notebook was drenched and I cried inwardly to myself, 'Oh no!  My poems will be ruined.'


I tried shaking the water from the pockets of the notebook, yet the whole ensemble still remained dripping and damp. 

 

 

 

 Dark flashes of a rain-soaked nightmare continued to drown the world outside in a kind of vivid miasma of haunting reflection.

 

I stepped up a flight of stairs to the red lantern lit above a locked door, leading to the foyer.

 

 

 

Withdrawing the key from my shorts pocket, I unlocked the latch and stepped within the darkness of the back foyer, shutting the door behind me.  I gazed around me in the dark, feeling the ringing of silence in my ears. 

 

 

 

 The house was always so quiet and forboding;  as if the phantasmal spirits of the unknown dimensions were ever watchful over me with their forlorn eyes. 

I shuttered and raced through the back-kitchen foyer, down a flight of steps through the richly furnished parlor and then up three flights of stairs, until I reached the fourth floor with my bedroom, bathroom and private library. 

 

 

 

Stepping into the richly garnished bathroom, I silently stood before the mirror, gazing upon my reflection.


My eyes stared back, empty and destitute, even though they shimmered in a brilliancy of light and were beautiful.  I closed them and felt a burning sensation as the tears once more began to cloud my vision.

 

 

 


I disregarded my feelings silently and turned on the marble handles of the bathtub.  The sparkling water foamed and splashed in a lavishly elegant fashion.

I removed my t-shirt and shorts, laying them in a pile next to the steps leading up to the marble bathtub.  Turning my gaze to the mirror above the sink, I studied my chest and handsome body.

 

 

My sparkling blonde hair was dripping wet, hanging down along my forehead, as I ran my hands over my chest and down my thighs.


My tanned, masculine physique was very alluring in the light of the bathroom and the mirrors began to softly steam from the luxurious, hot foaming water of the jacuzzi-bath.

 

 

 

I silently gazed upon myself, an innocent, slightly mesmerizing change becoming evident in my eyes.  I turned around and viewed myself from behind, caressing my plump, handsome chest.

 

 

 

 

'I am finally attractive and cute, handsome even,'  I thought silently, running my hands along my thighs gently and then playfully caressing my sweaty blonde locks of hair. 

 

Admiring my handsome physique in the mirror, I ran my hands up my tanned, gleaming chest, as I continued staring forth into my eyes within the mirror's glistening steam. 

 

 

Gazing upon myself for a few moments more, my head tilted in an intriguing, curious fascination, I walked over to the faucet and turned the running water off. 

 

 

 

 

 

Easing myself into the warm, frothy bubbles of the foamy, pink water, I laid back and splashed water over my head. - I ran my hands through my glorious blonde hair. 

Decadent and luxurious fragrances of vanilla-spice and chocolate cream waft throughout the ethereal steam in the air.

 

Gazing down at my chest, I gently lather my neck and shoulders with the creamy pink suds.

  The steamy warm air of the private jacuzzi caused an erotic and enticing sensation to arise within me; it tempted me tantalizingly, as I panted lustily in the steamy air, moaning softly in delight, as if I was a vicious, feral panther.

 

 

 

'Tomorrow I start my freshman term at Roxbury.  If only Jacob were here.  I miss you with all my heart and soul,'  I think to myself. 

 

 

 

 

Another flash of sparkling blue light of the photopsia crosses my vision and I close my eyes tight, praying that the flashing light of the degenerative disease of photopsia wont permanently blind me.  At least not yet. 

 

 

 

 

However, my night vision was slowly fading away, deteriorating beyond my control.


I did everything within my power to stay healthy; organic vegetable & fruit juicing from our very own backyard organic gardens, strict vegan diet and intense, fresh herbal supplementation were just the cornerstone of my daily regimens. 

 

However, this was a disorder of the eye that would eventually result in blindness later in life.

 

 

 

 

 

  Sweat rolls down my brow in vicious lust.  I lay back, closing my eyes in dark fatigue.  I sigh softly, lowering myself further into the creamy, warm suds of the bath. 

 

The relaxation and quiet of the space, mixed with the distant roar of the rainstorm outside, made me feel drowsy and content.  For one glorious instant everything felt peaceful and my misery was a fleeting memory.

 

 

 

 


II.  Visionary Dreams & Remembrances

 

 

 

 


'Sometimes when I close my eyes and cry at night, within the quiet stillness of the silence, the thought of suicide is released from my mind and I feel renewed, if just for one more day.'

 

 

 

 

That night I dreamt of Jacob.

 

I had cried myself into a dark oblivion again.  I had been tossing and turning all night in my sleep softly, the sweat clinging to my blonde hair lying on my forehead, as it gently ran down my temples. 

 

 

 

 I slept naked with only a small undershirt on.  My room was very dark and spacious, with the flashing red and pink light from my alarm clock being visible on the mantle near my bed.  The ceiling fan rotated in circles above me.  I turned over once again, groaning softly in my slumber.

 

 

 


I could see his innocent, loving face before me in the darkness of my dream appearing so alive and real.  We were lounging on a rock near the seaside. 

 

The magnificent, dusky rays of the sunset lit up the foaming waves that crashed upon the rocks in a glistening splendour.  It was a memory from two years ago in June when I was thirteen.  We were visiting the coast.  It was only months before his horrific death.

 

 

 


"Ethan, it'll be okay buddy.  I'll always be there for you.  You can always trust me and if you need anything don't worry about it.  I'll take care of you.  I know our parents dont understand what's going on in our lives," Jacob whispered in my ear softly.

 

 

"They're never there for us.  We'll always have each other to fall back on.  I'll never let anything happen to you, little brother,"  Jacob whispered to me, as the lapping sea-foam splashed at our feet.

 

 

 

I smile and put my arm around his shoulder, as we continue watching the glimmering sun sink beyond the distant, crescent waves.  The fragrant wind blows our hair around gently, as the foaming spray of the waves causes a gorgeous mist to waft around our forms. 

 

I rest my head on his broad shoulder and he turns slightly, giving me a gentle, quick brotherly kiss on the damp blonde hair of my head.

 

 

I gaze up into his sparkling, vibrant eyes, as I whisper in a soft, quiet tone, "I love you, big brother.  Don't know what I'd do without you. - You're the only thing that makes my life worth living." 

 

Tears form in the corner of my brilliant, shining brown eyes.

 

I look away towards the sparkling ocean waves, continuing to hold onto him.  Then I return my gaze to his eyes and lean my head against his shoulder.

"I hope everything will be okay, Jacob," I whisper to him in a breathy tone, turning my head, continuing to gaze upon the sparkling spray of the foamy splashes of oceanic mesmerism.

 

 

 


Jacob gazes off into the foaming spray of the lavish crystaline waves.  He lets me have my beautiful and vulnerable moment;  my unconditional ardor and his boyish, coquettish charm.

Jacob had entrancing blue eyes, with a kind of edgy and fascinating smile that flashed forth from them in a fierce manner. - He had mastered the art of ''smiling with your eyes''.

 

 

Jacob stares down at me for a moment, gently wiping the tears from my eyes, and then reaches around to hug me. 

 

"I love you too, buddy.  Don't worry about our parents.  Everything will be okay."

 

I hug him for what feels like an eternity.

 

 

His warm and loving embrace engulfs me.  I hug him tighter.  I can feel his warm breath upon my cheek and his beating heart echoing through my body.  My brother was never more alive than in my dreams.

 

 

 


"Jacob, please don't ever leave me,"  I whisper in his ear.

 

 

 


"I'll never leave you, Ethan,"  Jacob whispers with a warm tone in my ear.  He leans in closer and embraces me, leaning against my teak, sweaty blonde hair.  I close my eyes as the swaying, warm breeze wafts against my face in sparkling majesty and peace. 

 

 

 

I whisper to myself over and over, "Please Jacob...don't leave me.  Please Jacob...please Jacob."

 

 

I suddenly found myself jolted awake in my bed in the middle of the night.


  I heard myself repeating softly as I awoke, saying, "Please Jacob...Jacob." 

 


 I gazed around slowly within the darkness, my eyes unable to adjust properly, in a confused state of lethargic half-awakening. 

 

 

 

Glancing at the alarm clock near my bed, I found it read 1:57 A.M.  I ran a hand through my sweaty hair and slowly took off my small t-shirt I had on, soaked through with sweat.

I slowly massage my neck muscles, pinpointing the sore areas from my various workouts in our private gym in the basement.

 

 

 

 

I groan softly and place my head in my hands, the sweat dripping from my body.  'Jacob...' I think silently to myself. 

 


Climbing out of bed, I stumble through the dark and turn on the neon green light that rests on the corner of my writing desk.  Ripping a piece of red notebook paper from my composition folder, I began writing down more thoughts and dreams I had been recently having.

 

 

 

  Some dreams were about Jacob and others were completely abstract and visionary.  These dreams came almost every night in endless succession, some more nightmarish and wicked than others.  The dream tonight was peaceful and enveloped me in its beauty.

 

 


Finishing my poem, I silently read it to myself with the pen placed against my mouth.  I smile softly and close my eyes. 

 

 


'Jacob would be so proud,'  I thought to myself.

 

 


 I lay the pen down on my desk and then turn off the light, once more glancing at the alarm clock, the time glowing with an inevitable permanency.  I quietly slip into bed but don't roll the covers over my vulnerable form this time.

 

 


'Jacob would be proud,'  I think to myself silently, a slight smile spread across my face, as I place one arm under my pillow and drift off back into my sleepy, dreamy fantasies. 

 

 

 

Indeed, I would soon be in the great unknown with my dead brother. 

 

 

 The empty bottle lay next to me on my dresser.  I could just begin to feel the warm darkness of death envelope my soul with its mysterious, eternal loving embrace. 

 

The dark, glistening tears of cruel wanton stained my face in heartbroken innocence and soon my misery would all be over. 

 

 

I WOULD NO LONGER HAVE TO SCREAM AND CRY MYSELF INTO A DARK OBLIVION IN ORDER TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT!

 

  MY TEARS HAVE ALL BEEN WASTED AWAY!

 

  I slowly lose consciousness and feel a warm tranquility of numbing lethargy flowing through my body!

 


Everything goes dark and quiet.  - Eternal slumber.  Zzzzz....

 

 


I would be with my dead brother Jacob; forever.

 

The End?

 

 

 

Copyright (c)2018 ZELDA VAXANDORF.  All Rights Reserved.


Submitted: May 14, 2021

© Copyright 2021 ZELDA VAXANDORF. All rights reserved.

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