Morbid thoughts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Hey guys,

This is based on my personal experience that the only way I can express myself, it is my perspective from being in an abusive relationship and I think some people might relate, I hope you enjoy it.


Pain is  the most reliable form of understanding one another, if you don’t share the same pain the same ache you can never truly understand each another, that’s why there are so many toxic relationships.

 

Many People are quick to judge and tell you to leave and start over and that you deserve so much better and you know its true and they are right, but deep inside you know that no matter where you go you will never feel as understood and “loved” as you did in your toxic relationship. everything after it will seem shallow and empty maybe we are masochist as we inflict pain on ourselves and get off by it, as twisted as it may seem but there is something that you can not replace with that one person who broke you into pieces … it is shared grief I guess we are too blind to see it, I knew it wasn’t healthy but damn it felt good, it’s as if I  got high on my own suffering, its fucked up isn’t it ? Its like every time I hurt you I am  hurting myself, its like I want you to understand me so I am going to use you and abuse you until you finally get it, but I what if I  end up breaking you before will it make me an abuser ? You knew what you signed up for you knew I was fucked up beyond reparation, that was your answer every time I dared to cry or ask you why you were doing this to me.

 

I do believe that we attract what we lack every time I lacked confidence or self esteem, I came to you for validation, only you didn’t give it to me what you did is make me feel worse because you were feeding over my pain and despair, every time I cried you looked at me and said it was my fault … I could see my horror mirrored in your blank stare, I could see that you had no emotions that you were so high on the spectrum of borderline  personality disorder that you couldn’t even realise what was happening in front of you, it was painful but I went through with it and I know I said forgiveness is the most important part of a relationship, but deep down I didn’t believe it I  knew I was gonna do the same to you once you reach that level of despair, I was gonna do it and just watch you suffer and enjoy it, eye for an eye remember? I blame you for that …you groomed me into submission  but you played so many mind games on me that I became just like you “broken” I am aware of that now…but yet I am still here what does that say about me ? These dark thoughts won’t leave me alone I am afraid of the day where I will have to face my demons I am terrified of the outcome…

 

I became numb to everyone and everything around me, I am there physically nothing more like a statue ,  am terrified of the world, I don’t enjoy what normal people enjoy ,is it possible that I became like that after you or was the darkness already in me, you only fed it so well that it came out ? I blame you for all of it but for some reason I can’t do anything about it we went beyond the veil and since then everything is black no turning back …

 

When I see those happy little moments others enjoy, I ask myself will I ever have this? But I think the question  I need to ask is: will this make me happy? Some of us are destined to misery is it fair? I don’t think it is but life is unfair. Why so morbid you may ask … that’s what deception and despair will do to you, I feel broken…empty… holes in my everything and that’s a constant feeling, I can’t remember the last time I was completely sober either I am high on pills, drugs, vodka … you name it …as if I am afraid of being lucid because then I will realise how fucked up I am and I am not ready to face that yet…

 

I lost faith in everyone, that’s not something that happens overnight, the only words that can sum up my daily feelings are “frustration and fear” no specific reason that’s just how I feel all the time,I am stuck in this abusive sadistic spiral I haven’t been able to find an exit yet… not that I am looking anymore, but it feels good to know that maybe just maybe someday it will end… I am alive and I am in #Limbo# isn’t that where the lost souls go after death? not punished not rewarded just lost and wandering…

 

It took me years to understand that I am my own worst enemy for allowing you to abuse me all this time, although I was  innocent my only crime perhaps was loving you more than myself…

 

I am the architect of my own destruction.



Submitted: May 15, 2021

© Copyright 2021 maya red. All rights reserved.

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