I See The Way You Look At Me When You Think I Won't Notice

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fan Fiction  |  House: Review Chain

It’s almost comical, the game we play. Our gazes flit from one dreary corner of the room to the other, never crossing and never touching, not even for a moment. If they were to meet, I am afraid of the consequences that will surely follow. For, hidden beneath the delicate shroud of civility and the gentle camaraderie we share, exists an all-consuming longing for more. For heated touch, tender words, and the forbidden gaze we are predestined to fall victim to.

 

It’s almost comical, the game we play. Our gazes flit from one dreary corner of the room to the other, never crossing and never touching, not even for a moment. If they were to meet, I am afraid of the consequences that will surely follow. For, hidden beneath the delicate shroud of civility and the gentle comradery we share, exists an all-consuming longing for more. For heated touch, tender words, and the forbidden gaze we are predestined to fall victim to.

 

My neck prickles as I sense the heavy weight of your eyes upon me. I resist the urge to turn around. It would be so simple, really. Neurons firing, willing muscles to move. And choices made, directing the winding roads that weave their way through time itself into unexplored terrain, riddled with danger and the possibility of inconsolable heartbreak. Shall I take this leap of faith? Spread my weary wings and fly toward the blazing sun? Or am I to share the sorrowful fate of Icarus, who flew too close and melted his wings?

 

Without you, I am lost, alone, nothing but a singular soul, consumed by the sea of souls around me. But, with you, I find myself even more lost, unable to breathe as the pressure of your euphoric smile and contagious laughter overwhelms me. They taunt me, depictions of the happiness I so crave, yet can never attain. Why then do I continue this game with you? I know the answer, yet I am reluctant to even think it. I fear the declaration, even when voiced within the confines of my mind, will bring about a tangibility that I am not yet ready for. Or maybe I am. Maybe I have grown weary of waiting? However, I fear I am too much of a coward to advance, keeping my king and queen thoroughly guarded as we work our way across the chessboard. And don’t you know that you’re so close to a checkmate? Can’t you see it, taste it even? Your final victory over my heart, soul, body, and mind. I do, and as your gaze lingers, I find that I don’t mind losing myself to you.

 

You change me, make me whole again, better than I ever imagined I could be. And as I feel your eyes flick away from my back, I feel the mind-numbing rage begin to creep back into my heart. You have broken me, and yet, I am no longer broken

 

I do not know how you managed to ensnare my heart as you have, nor am I able to pinpoint the exact moment in which you did so. Could it have been when I was poisoned, demanding that you cut off my arm? In spite of the situation, you found your resolve, showing me a strength I had never thought possible in a human. Or was it on that fateful day in the pool? When you held me as I was helpless and paralyzed, saving my life in more ways than one. And maybe there was no singular moment, no blinding flash of realization that I can’t live without you. 

 

And there it is, the declaration I have been refusing for the many years that I have known you. I cannot live without you. You have become a part of my being, tethered to my heart and anchored to my soul, immovable and unstoppable. I am at your mercy, however, fear does not consume me. 

 

When every piece is laid out in front of me, each one forming strange curves and jagged edges that seem to have no place together, I find that there is only one answer, only one choice. A singular course of action that I have been running from for far too long. I see the way you look at me when you think I won’t notice. I hope that you have noticed the same, come to the same realization as I have. Because I cannot wait any longer. I refuse to deprive myself of you, your euphoric smile, and your contagious laughter, that used to mock me at every turn. Now I see the truth as the jigsaw pieces slowly fit together, the consummation of my many years of pondering over you and your irrefutable power over me.

 

“I love you, Stiles.” I hear myself proclaim for all the world to hear. Your heart audibly stutters and I can feel your surprise through the strange tether we share. For a moment, I think I have made a mistake, that I have misjudged your intentions. I scramble to collect my thoughts, laying out the jagged pieces once more as I ponder the twists and turns of our game and the picture it creates.

 

“I love you too, Derek.” I hear him whisper softly, yet sincerely. There is no refuting the truth anymore, as destiny and fate finally become clear and these preordained divulgences become one with the very air we breathe. 

 

I now realize that I had nothing to fear. There were no monsters lurking in the shadows, no deception in our game, every move now obviously transparent in nature. This is where my life has led me, and I couldn’t be happier with its culmination. 

 

The game has reached its conclusion and, in the end, both players have come out victorious.

 


Submitted: May 16, 2021

© Copyright 2021 RavenGrey1469. All rights reserved.

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spˈɔːn ɒv sˈe͡ɪtən

Very interesting read highly recommend it!

Sun, May 16th, 2021 9:03pm

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