The pain can't last forever, right?

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Finding Romance

Short story through the eyes of a sad orphan boy who is too scared to show his feelings so he goes through life avoiding making sincere connections out of fear of hurting others.

The sky tonight was so beautiful. There were these bright stars surrounded by millions of smaller ones. The moon, half covered by clouds, but even with the most perfect view in the sky, it never really did compare to the sparkle in yours. I remember the first hello, the first memory, the first connection, the first laugh. But why does every ‘first’ always have to be followed by the ‘last’ moment, the last memory, the last goodbye? Sitting under the night sky every night, thinking about all my firsts, all my lasts and I am beginning to realize why I feel so safe being alone.  -- I have this whiteboard in my home where I write random notes, put up silly cards I receive over the years but sometimes, I write reminders for myself. I created this one thing one day “Just smile, the pain can’t last forever, right?” and let me tell you that changed so much! Understanding the fact pain is everywhere, in everyone, and everything, I can just smile for everyone and help others go through their pain while I wait for mine to leave.  

 

My heart is so torn apart from all the lies, all the last moments, the loneliness, all the heartbreaks sometimes it's hard to even smile for others when you can’t even look yourself in the mirror out of fear of breaking down. Growing up, you think about simple things, but growing up an orphan you wonder about silly things like will I ever have a family, what is love, why does no one want me? Even after someone takes you into their family you don’t forget the cold, lonely nights, the fear you faced, scared and confused realizing no one is coming back for you and now you are alone. You don’t forget that, or some of us never get over that feeling of abandonment. But you take all of that and you shove it in a box, and make sure no one sees that box, so you don’t scare off another friend, another coworker, or just another stranger. Then you make sure all your friends and loved ones around you are happy, smiling, and are doing okay because this world hurts but together if we keep smiling the pain can’t last forever, right?  

 

Okay, imagine this, close your eyes. Wait don’t OPEN THEM! I apologize, now where were we? Ah yes! You meet a new friend or a new coworker, they are telling you about themselves, and you are intrigued so you ask more questions to get to know them better. Now it is your turn to share, this so exciting! You can now tell them about how you went to a music school in Europe and played so many different instruments, or the fact you can paint, draw and be artistic, but there's always a but, and in this case, for me, I get scared to share anything about myself because I am so used to having everyone around me get hurt I don’t want to lose another person around me so it's easier to give simple answers like I like art, I enjoy listening to different types of music, and change the subject back to the other person or engage into another discussion that suits both people. You could say that’s selfish, and that’s rude but after losing everyone and everything and watching the whole world gets torn apart right in front of you and you can’t do anything about it, you become hesitant into who is good and who is not because all you know is fear, anger, hunger, pain. Sometimes the other person understands the pain you have experienced, sees the fear in your eyes, and still chooses to help you even if you are not worth saving. That’s the person you cherish most in your life. Anyone who can smile through their pain every day, and still help you up is a soul out of this world and they must be protected because they do that for everyone else. You always hope they are happy, not in a bad way but you try and cheer them, or get them a beer, sometimes just hanging out and letting them vent is all they need. For some, that’s being in a relationship or being married. Personally, I don’t know if I will be able to get back into one another any time soon. 

 

To have a great relationship you need to have communication, trust, love, but most importantly you need to understand your partner in a way that no one else does. You need to know their ups, their downs, their favorite foods, hobbies, tv shows, the little they do like tap their toes, or play with their phone/ hair whatever it is, you need to know. But if your heart is torn apart, and you are afraid to get hurt again you can’t get into one with so much pain. It is unfair to the other person if you cannot give them all your attention. Some people are meant to be alone for their entire lives and we have accepted our fates. Maybe one day I will have a family of my own who knows, but until that day I am too scared to get hurt, I don’t know how much more I can take anymore.  


Submitted: May 30, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Patrick Walters. All rights reserved.

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