The Phone Call From Hell

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Just your typical phone conversation involving lovely ladies wishing each other a happy Mother's Day. But definitely not what you'd expect as a series of events begin to turn things upside down. You will laugh hysterically reading this! Enjoy!

***WARNING/DISCLAIMER: NOT FOR CHILDREN. 18 y/o+. FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK LOL!!!***

Children laugh and play in the park.  A mother dressed in a pink jumpsuit can be seen tending to her baby.  She holds her baby across from her with extended arms and gently bobs her baby side to side as she sings “you’re a special baby, yes you’re a good baby!”

Suddenly, her phone rings.

“MOTHERFUCKER!!!” The mother screamed on the top of her lungs.  All the parents attending to their children at the park swiftly turned their eyes to gaze upon the mother with shocked and angry looks on their faces.  The children likewise froze in the middle of their playful activities and stared at the mother with gaping mouths.  The mother hastily pulled the phone from out of her left pocket and placed it against her left ear.

“Mom speaking!”  The mother exclaimed whimsically. 

“Girl!” The caller replied.

“Oh, girl, what is up!?” The mother in the pink jumpsuit asked.

“How’s that mother’s day treatin’ you sis!?”

“Sis, one of the kids threw a box of chocolates at my eye, and then ran off to set shit on fire.  What about you, bitch?”

“That’s the Kathy I know!  Lettin’ her kids do whatever they want.”  A different caller sarcastically stated.

“KAREN!” The mother harshly stated in a demonic voice.

“Kathy!” Karen said warmly.

“Oh, so you two know each other?” The first caller asked.

“Yea!  Her dislocated child burned my hydrangeas!”  Karen replied enthusiastically.

“Okay, just tell me which one of my kids it was so I know who’s allowance to raise.”  Kathy said.

“Ohhh, what do you pay your kids with?  McDonald’s?”  Karen asked.

“BITCH….Taco Bell!”  Kathy retorted angrily.

“Ohhh, I just knew that you were broke.  How sweet of you!”  Karen replied.

“….So that was eight chalupas and six omelet burritos?”  Another voice asked.  Little did anyone know that Karen was in the drive-thru at a Taco Bell while she was having her phone conversation!

“God damn you, GOD DAMN YOU!!!”  Karen shouted back at the drive-thru speaker.

Suddenly, all the callers heard a long and wet fart noise from their phones.

“Awwww, did you hear that?  She just messed up her pants!”  Kathy exclaimed.

“Ohh, it’s just a turd darling!  Nothing I didn’t mean to fall out.”  A new caller replied with a strong British accent.

“Who the fuck is that, and what’s her manager’s name??”  Karen asked hastily.

“That’s just my neighbor, she’s –” The first caller began.

“British, and that’s all you need to know!” The British caller interrupted, while opening a can of red beans and licking and consuming them noisily.

“Sound British to me!” A new caller stated sarcastically.

“Hey, what are you doing on this call!?  You were never aprego eggo!”  The first caller asked bewildered.

“I need help finding the switch to the goddamn garbage disposal!”  The new caller yelled in response.

“We don’t have a garbage disposal!”  The first caller pointed out sweetly, trying very hard not to lose her cool.

“Well, I know what we do have…” The new caller replied.

“A PROBLEM!!!”  All the callers shouted in unison and began bursting out in laughter.

“Well, I’m gonna go fuck myself now ladies!” The new caller brashly said.

“Who else is on this phone call that I don’t know about??”  Kathy asked.

“Estoy aqui, bitches!”  A new caller replied with a lit cigarette in her old, withered hand and a terrible Spanish accent.

“Oh sorry, I had to include Beatrice!” The first caller said.

“Hey, fuck you!  I’ll eat your ass and make it look like an accident!”  Beatrice shot back.

“We’ll have to find it first, cow!”  The first caller replied sadly.

“Try me, I was in the navy!”

“WELL, I’M RICH DEEP BEHIND ENEMY LINES AND NEED AN EXTRACTION!!!”  The caller with the garbage disposal problem screamed frantically as she attempted to yank her left hand free from the garbage disposal.

“HANDLE YOUR OWN SHIT FOR ONCE!!!”  The first caller yelled back angrily.  “Geminis, am I right?  Are any of your families SHIT too?”

“My hubby and I are having a British Mother’s Day!”  The British caller said.  “BATHS AND BEANS!” The British caller and her not-so-good-looking British husband chime in unison through the speakerphone.

“Nutritious and hygienic!”  The British husband added while inside his bubble-laden tub.

Suddenly, an uncomfortably loud and hacking cough could be heard in the phones of those participating in the phone call. 

As the hacking continued, the first caller said, “Okay okay, I’m feeling a lot of negative energy right now from your weaponized coughing!”

“Yea?  Well Kathleen, you know what?  You’re a lesbian!”  Beatrice replied.  A short moment of silence followed.

“…And?”  The first caller asked uncomfortably.

“That’s all!”  Beatrice said while darting her eyes side to side to make sure she had not offended anyone around her.

“So, how’s everyone’s Mother’s Day going?”  Kathy asked in attempt to change the subject.

“Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there, Kathy.  Does anyone hear that sound?”  Karen asked.  A low-pitched gurgling sound could be heard.

“That would be the beans talking, darling!”  The British husband replied with the phone placed against his fat gurgling stomach.  “I believe I’m going to need that toilet!”  The British husband said frantically to his nearby wife as he sprung out the bathtub, naked and dripping wet with soapy suds streaking down his legs, and ran towards the toilet his wife was still using.

“Oh good, because I’m going to need that bath!”  The British wife exclaimed jovially while waving an empty used roll of toilet paper.  She got up off the toilet seat and, with a bathrobe wrapped around her, she skipped over to the bathtub as she traded places with her husband.  As they traded places, they happily chanted “British people are normal, British people are normal!”  When the two reached their destinations, they let out a hearty British laugh, while the British husband lifted his chin and fully extended his right leg to let out a proud and sophisticated British turd, which could be heard plopping resoundingly in the toilet bowl.

“Yea, so how’s everyone’s Mother’s Day?”  Kathy asked.

“Oh, it’s alright!”  Karen replied.

“Wasn’t asking you.”  Kathy said with annoyance.

“My son took me out to get Red Lobster.  He wrote me the most heartfelt message on a piece of paper.  Oh, I’m simply having the best Mother’s Day!”  Karen said while chewing with a mouthful of Taco Bell chalupas in her mouth.  The piece of paper that Karen was referring to had the message “Fuck you bitch Mom!” written on it with a pink marker and with the k in “fuck” written backwards.

“My daughter forgot Mother’s Day altogether!”  Beatrice said while exhaling a puff of smoke from her cigarette.

“Ayye, would you keep it down, Ma!?”  An overgrown adult woman with coke-bottled glasses that unnecessarily magnified her beady eyes, with wildly red scraggly hair and a strong Brooklyn accent, shouted as she appeared in front of Beatrice coming through the back door of Beatrice’s house.

“Fuck you!”  Beatrice shouted back with a similarly strong New York accent.

“Fuck you, I’m trying to watch myself!”  Beatrice’s daughter retorted while pointing and waving her finger frantically at Beatrice with widely mad eyes.

“Well, I’m trying to have phone sex!”  Beatrice responded in defense.

“Oh, is he deaf!?”  The daughter asked mockingly.  Beatrice stared at her daughter, phone still placed next to her ear, and gasped in disbelief.

“Tell your daughter I said ‘hahaha!’”  Kathleen requested.

“Kathleen said I should have shit you in the toilet.”  Beatrice said to her daughter.

“OH!”  Kathleen exclaimed with fright and disbelief.

“Oh, Kathleen said that?  Well, tell Kathleen that she’s about to fucking die!”  The daughter exclaimed in a profanity-laden rant as she ran vigorously away from Beatrice’s house and up along a long road leading to Kathleen’s house.

“Well, I hope I get Alzheimer’s before she comes back.”  Beatrice stated with a long deep sigh of disappointment for her loser daughter.

“SWEETIE, I NEED YOUR HELP IN THE KITCHEN!!!!”  The woman on the phone screamed in rage as she was still attempting to dislodge her hand from the garbage disposal, frantically attempting to use a large saw to cut open the sink.

“Sweetie, I gave up the straight life so I wouldn’t have to HEAR THAT SHIT ANYMORE!!!”  Kathleen angrily screamed back from the living room.

“Oh, you heterophobe!”  Kathy scolded as she was preparing to get into her car and leave the park.  Suddenly, a fragment of chewed up food flew straight into Kathy’s face like a projectile and slapped the phone right out of her hand.

“WHO JUST ASSAULTED ME WITH A CHALUPA!?”  Kathy screamed on the top of her lungs as she firmly held the flimsy piece of food and shook it above her head frantically.

“You don’t have a husband!”  Karen shouted with window rolled down from the driver’s seat as she passed by Kathy with her car.

“Yea, that’s why I FUCK YOURS!!!”  Kathy screamed back, throwing the chalupa towards Karen’s car with all her might as Karen sped away.  Parts of the chalupa landed on Kathy’s jumpsuit and she yelped in disgust and agony.

“Speaking of husbands, what are you ladies doing for Father’s Day?”  Kathleen asked sweetly.  A long moment of silence followed, which eventually was permeated by an uncontrollable burst of laughter from all those involved in the phone call.

“I’ll tell you what, bitch!  Get ready for a goddamn tit attack!!!”  Beatrice’s daughter shouted as she barged through Kathleen’s living room and jumped on top of a nearby couch and began launching an all-out frenzied physical assault upon Kathleen’s rather large and oversized lesbian breasts.

“Ack!  My tits, MY TIIIIIIITTSS!!!!”  Kathleen screamed in agony as she waved her hands above her hand frantically, allowing Beatrice’s daughter to continue unleashing a wave of furious punches at her tits.

“I told you that my daughter was a bitch!”  Beatrice stated as she lit up a new cigarette and exhaled a large puff of smoke.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, BITCHES!!!!!!!*-*-*-*-*-*-*


Submitted: June 01, 2021

© Copyright 2021 JoBoy. All rights reserved.

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boona

Salutations I will admit that was definitely not kid friendly, and interesting. Why don't you read my story can a lion drive a tank?
I promise it'll make you cry from laughing so hard.

Thu, June 3rd, 2021 3:57am

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