A Ring Seen Spying

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

Facebook stalking, engaged, rings

It hurts that I am still sometimes so nosey to this day, to see Jesse H., my ex boyfriend, is getting married (I guess it’s kinda a “finally” thing, though). I honestly was in love with him for the first time in my life, and so far only time in my life. I’m just glad it’s not with the one he cheated on me with. I couldn’t handle that.  
 
It is kind of funny to me, he ends up with somebody in psychology. To be catty for a moment, and quote singer and lyricist Madi Webb (who should be mega-famous one day, with her fashion and sweetness alone), “she’s not even that pretty, not that it matters, but it makes me feel better, I don’t hope you’re happy.” Don't get me wrong, I don’t go around hoping he is miserable anymore either. He gave me mixed signals and a stalker after cheating on me, I have reason to be angry, but I’m not angry, not anymore. I am still sad, though. As I said, seeing this hurt... 
 
Even though it hurt, I have accepted that our fate was not to be together. I will say he was only 22/23 back then. He’s like 31 now. I’m sure he’s grown a lot from where he was with me. Maybe he’s where he belongs and I’m sure she is great. I just hope I’m on my path to where I belong and that he served whatever crazy purpose he was meant to serve in my life... right now I haven’t figured  out what good that all did for me yet, but I’m really trying here. 
 
I do realize, after reading from Sarah Pendrick (she has motivated me so much), Jesse was not my dream guy. I plan to try to manifest “my dream guy” and whether he comes to light or not, what I’ll write down as “my dream guy” was not completely who Jesse was, anyway. So, I should be happy that I’m not trapped in a life that wasn’t meant for me. If only he had let me move on in a better, healthy way, instead of how it all went down, including almost ending my life. I’ll continue to try to focus on myself and what’s ahead, after all, he IS living his life.
 
If only I didn’t rely on him all this time for closure. I shouldn’t have needed anything from him. Especially since he couldn’t or wouldn’t give it to me. A cheater isn’t going to end things, letting you move on with peace, so you need to make your own peace somehow. How will differ for everyone. I can’t move on to the next person to date so easily. Self-care is my thing, well it should have been. 
 
I should have loved myself more than ever, the moment my ex stopped loving me. Then I could have felt whole without him, but I guess this is living and learning. Over time I realized he wasn’t even worth all the drama, because he’s not everything I would want to manifest. If I must, it’s time to find not only Mr. Right, but Mr. Worthy.  I’m pretty content. 


Submitted: June 02, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Jenni Littzi. All rights reserved.

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