Love Hurts

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

My first love and my biggest heartbreak.

Jesse H. messaged me on OkCupid and we clicked instantly. I’m not ashamed to have met online, I have a lot with my lifestyle. I still have our conversation, and even though I finally trashed Kelsey’s and Corey’s memory boxes, I couldn’t throw out Jesse’s yet. He was still in Georgia at base there and divorcing, so we chatted by phone for a couple of weeks, then he divorced officially and moved to Tampa. We first met his way in Tampa and it was very sweet, I’ll never forget how he made his move for our first kiss. Things moved fast and a little later, our first time having sex together, with no furniture yet, was also so sweet - I even started to pass a kidney stone after we had sex and he took care of me there on the floor. He was already (after sex) telling me he was in love with me and I said it back - it felt right. He even named our potential future daughter, Lilliana, for heaven’s sake. Besides his jealousy at times (I went out once with my best friend to a female strip club for a calm girl’s night, without him, and he called me constantly, driving her crazy), we seemed ... pretty perfect, otherwise. He always boasted how our bodies were made for each other and how they fit each other so perfectly. 
 
Nearly 11 months later, (sadly, that is kind of long and stable for my dating history) at the end of April 2013, things changed permanently. Jesse and I were sitting on his living room couch and I was reading texts from my old friend, Stephanie P., who was marrying Steven U. She sent me her choices of wedding dresses to ask my opinion and when I said how none of them would be *my* personal style to my boyfriend, he asked to see what style I would choose. I declined to show him, as I thought it would be a bad idea for us to look at wedding dress ideas for me (and what happens next is why I declined). Somehow this led to discussing when I expected to marry. I figured a couple of years of dating, including living together (we were already planing to move in together in August when his current lease was up, as I refused to move in before that, until we found a place together) was a decent and normal amount of time to then get engaged. This seemed to terrify him. 
 
Okay, looking back, he had just turned 23, he already had a failed marriage with a crazy person, and came from divorced parents - which I believe at the time he still resented his mom for leaving his family to another state. And to be fair to me, I had so many guys using me for my body (so many entries to come), yet now this guy seemingly loved me yet was not wanting to marry me ... ever? That’s what this turned into. I cried a lot. I wouldn’t go to bed at first, but felt bad, because he wouldn’t go to bed for work in the morning, so eventually I did go to bed - even though we still weren’t talking and I hated going to bed mad. But more was going on, even with him asking me earlier in the week if anyone at work was hitting on me, and the truth would all come out later.  
 
In the morning, a Thursday the 25th of April 2013, Jesse was getting ready to go to work on base. I got up from bed and sat on the floor against the bed, on my side away from him, crying again. I could hear him take his gun out of his nightstand, I heard him remove his magazine clip, and hide them both in the closet somewhere. This was serious, he was concerned. Before he left, he told me he wasn’t sure if we were over and we would talk more after work (but I think he knew and it was torture to leave me there wondering all day). I spent the day crying, packing up just in case, talking to mom, and texting him for updates. I wanted to look for the gun and put it on the table by the door, just to say I knew he hid it, I found it, and he wasn’t worth it (yet, sadly, but that’s what I wanted to say at the time).  
 
He came home and we sat on the bed to talk. It was the worse I had emotionally felt in my whole life. Looking back, I’ve done most of the dumping, even with Corey, he would just piss me off until I got mad and did the dirty work for him. This time, I was in love. This time, I was just left empty. Why he wanted to see my choice in a wedding gown just last night, when he was on the verge of ending things (well, he was up to more for longer), I don’t comprehend it, besides that he doesn’t even know for sure what he was going to do back then. Why did it work how it did for me? I guess I’d like to think apart of him didn’t want to let me go. That he really did love me at one time. 
 
He kept using excuses like he was holding me back, it was him and not me, etc. I told him I’d rather legally never be married, if it meant being with him - and I meant it. He told all his exes he loved them, did he mean it with them? With me? I have only told Jesse H. I love him and until this day I’ve only been in love with him. Sucks for me. As he made excuses and I told them they meant nothing or I’d give him space, he would cry, I’d cry, and he then held me over me as we cried together. It was honestly, beautifully heartbreaking. 
 
Leaving as he held me in his arms crying, was especially hard to do! I never wanted to leave in that moment - never, but I knew I had to get up. I asked for one last kiss at the bedroom door, how bittersweet, and I walked to my car. I sat in it crying my eyes out some more. I called my parents to come get my car and me, as I couldn’t make the 40 minute drive in my condition. I guess Jesse came outside (he can’t see the parking lot from inside his place) to spy on me, because he text me to ask about me sitting there and if my parents were coming - he knew I was in no condition to drive. I believe I responded bitterly, saying, “like you care.” 
 
I got home and looked at his Facebook, I saw as he deleted our pictures. I started contacting his phone, I couldn’t let go - he told me he had to block my number. So he did. I was still confused with everything, though. Something was off. Everything was happening so fast, the excuses were off. 
 
And I was right. That something off was named “Ericka E.” and me being nosey, I had to find out the truth. I paid the price, to the point of going to court - but that is another entry, like so many! And that was the end of my first, and so far only, love. 
 
Better to have loved and lost? I disagree; however, I’m glad I didn’t move in with the wrong person or marry the wrong person. Imagine if we did move in together like we were planning and then Jesse cheated, that would have sucked more. In the end, I’m thankful it’s a “good good bye” like KINGS. Amazing song, neighbor of Madi B. Webb and it’s in my positive playlist. “No warnings or no closure.” “You’re a good, good, good, good, good, good bye!” Music is therapy. My arm tattoo says it! 
 
 

 


Submitted: June 02, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Jenni Littzi. All rights reserved.

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