March 2008

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

The first time I was raped, but learned the importance of being yourself.

I was looking pretty good at this time and Shannon M. and I were really living it up after I got sick with clostridium difficile in 2007. We went to Keon’s birthday party at the Holiday Inn at Indian Rocks Beach, by my paternal grandparents’ old house. 
 
Shannon M. was happy that her friend Dan worked there at the time and the details are that we wore short shorts (me in a red spaghetti strapped shirt), with bathing suits underneath (there was a pool there), we drank a lot, we left to visit Dan briefly, and we came back and each had sex with a guy at the party that night by choice - the guy Shannon had sex with was the issue, because he was a friend of her ex boyfriend, Brian (I can’t remember his last name and Keon won’t remind me, I think he’s afraid of why I want it). A lot of people, including Brian, were at this hotel party, with adjoining rooms, and we all fell asleep. 
 
I woke up in the middle of the night, sober, and in my Venus bathing suit only at this point, and people were snoring loudly. I’m a horrible sleeper (since I was just 2, according to my mom), I especially can’t sleep with snoring, so I went out to the living room and lied down at the end of the couch - other people were asleep on the couch and within the living room, too. Right next to the edge of the couch, to my left, was a closed door. 
 
I woke up once again. This time I felt ... odd. I remember exactly how I was lying, my typical way, on my stomach, head turned right (away from the door), right leg up, and knee to face. I quickly realized that the “odd” feeling was someone inside of me, he was pumping inside of me. He was raping me. I could just barely turn around my head, but I could see in the dark in was Brian. I tried speaking up and did manage to yell out “stop.” It was not too loud, but audible with just us in the dark. He didn’t stop, until I said it about five times in a row, growing louder each time as my voice woke up. He finally let go of my bathing suit bottom, I felt he had moved to the side. He turned around and I heard the door right next to the couch close behind him. 
 
I was in shock and just ran to the bathroom to cry. I debated if I should wake up Shannon to tell her or not, as I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me or be mad at me - the typical rape victim thoughts. I was scared with all kinds of emotions, but I decided I had to tell. I woke her up, took her to the bathroom with me, and she was wonderful about it. She was not surprised, though, looking back at it. 
 
The problem with Shannon was a little later, even my *only good* therapist asked me how I remained friends with her after this. It did make me upset at the time. Shannon and I were hanging out at my parent’s house shortly after that party and she was on the phone with Brain. She used the rape (he entered my vagina with his penis while I was asleep, therefore he did not got my permission) to toy with him! She teased that he “tried” to get with her best friend, to get back at her for sleeping with his friend at the party. Seriously? He raped me and it’s high school jealousy games. 
 
That was it, though. I never saw Brian again, thankfully, but Shannon continued to talk to him now and then for a long time. I admitted to my mom and the world about this first rape after my first suicide attempt in June 2013. At that point, I was still dying and had nothing to lose. 
 
I never told before, because I felt too guilty being at a party, drinking, AND choosing to have sex with someone else I was not dating that night. My attire did not help. Not that *I* believe a women can ASK for it, but I know others would argue I did just that. It’s society sometimes, but that’s not an excuse. The only way things change is if people, women like me speak up in situations like this.
 
Honestly, the party life was not for me. I was trying to keep up or do what I thought was normal. I only enjoyed the dressing up part, after showing off the outfit, I was ready to go home and relax with my friends, family, and dogs. I’ve always been simple, quiet, and dog-loving on the inside. I should have just been me, but being sickly something made me think I had to act like others, had to keep up with others. Look where that got me. Be yourself. Always. 

 


Submitted: June 02, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Jenni Littzi. All rights reserved.

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