Senior Dating

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


When I was sixteen the first date was a little different.  The boy came to pick me up (he met my father) with flowers or other token gift.  He would open the car door.  Then we would proceed to the restaurant.  He would again open my car door, open the door to the restaurant for me as well.  We would be seated, and then we would order our food.  I usually asked my date what he was in the mood for (this told me what price range for my order)  I would also tell my date what my choice was, so he could give the order to the waiter.  We would chat about subjects in school, any activities going on in school, and my dates special interests and then my special interests.  The evening would end with a walk to the door, a thank you for the evening, and sometimes a peck on the cheek.
 
Dating today is..., or I should say last Saturday he was supposed to be there by 10AM.  He had left early and did not realize he would find my house so quickly, so he knocked on the door at 8AM.  I was not quite ready yet.  I wanted us to have coffee and get acquainted before going out to lunch.  I had told him this before the date, so there were no surprises there.  He did not have to meet my father... he did have to meet Precious and Sweet Pea.  Precious, as you know by now, is my 100 pound pit bull.  She barks and acts like she is going to eat you for lunch... before she meets you.
 
I should have asked the poor man if he had a pacemaker....  He hesitated entering the house.  I told him to let Precious sniff his hand.  "You want me to feed my hand to your dog?"  He was shaking at this point.  That is ok, all the tension went away when Sweet Pea came up behind him and sniffed his backside.  He turned around and then back again because by then Precious was licking his hand.  "I should have told you I had two dogs when I ask you if you liked dogs."  "You said dogs, these things are huge."
 
 "They are harmless."
 
"Yeah, tell that to my pacemaker."  He had turned around so fast to avoid Sweet Peas he twisted his knee.  He reached for and sat down in the closest chair.  I quickly ushered the dogs to the back of the house and closed them off, so they could not get back into the living room.  "I have a little Yorkie.  Your dogs would eat her alive.  Do you mind going out to my car and getting my walker out?"
 
I did not mind helping him and know in my heart if the tables had been turned he would have helped me with my walker.  Now days it is best to ask… Your walker or mine?
 
"No, I don't mind.  I am very sorry.  Sweet Pea is not used to many strangers coming by.  She is really very friendly."  I excused myself and went to get his walker out of his car.  I placed the walker in front of him, excused myself, so I could finish getting ready.  I told him I would bring him some coffee in just a minute.  I was only gone a few minutes.
 
When I came back into the room I stopped at the coffee pot to fill the two cups I had set out, then looked up to see Oscar sitting on the top of the walker and a new raccoon sitting on the coffee table staring at this poor man.  The man did not say a word.  He had his hands pulled back as if touching the walker would set off a chain of events.  His mouth was open, his eyes were wide and big, and he was shaking.  "Oscar," I yelled.  "Leave the poor guy alone."  Suddenly, Oscar and the raccoon scampered down, across the floor and out through the opening in the door to the laundry room.
 
I very quietly helped this sweet man to the chair in the kitchen.  I put the cup of coffee with the cream and sugar in front of him.  He still had not said a word.  A funny expression came across his face.  "May I use your restroom?"
 
"It is right through that door.  Be my guest."  He got a hold of his walker, went across to the door, and disappeared behind the door.  A few minutes later, I suddenly heard a scream for help.  I went rushing into the bathroom only to find him sitting on the pot with Sweet Pea and Precious sitting in front of him, Oscar was sitting on the counter and the raccoon was sitting in the sink.  All were staring at him.  The poor man had his hands held up like they were trying to rob him.  He was afraid to reach for the toilet paper.
 
I quietly picked up the fallen roll of toilet paper and handed it to him.  I ushered all the fur people out of the room.  "I'll be in the kitchen."
 
"No, you wait right there.  They might come back.  Just turn your head a minute, please."  I did as instructed.  He tried to clean himself up, flushed the toilet, and pulled up his pants.  I was staring at the floor and could see from the corner of my eye he had messed his pants earlier.  I then understood.
 
He then said, "You should have warned me, I mean what are you going to do.  You go to pick up a lady and get threatened by her huge dogs and then get cornered by two wild beasts.  It would shock anyone's system."
 
Without saying a word.... I handed him a wet cloth, "I will secure the creatures before you come back out."
 
"You, do that."  He said as he snatched the rag from my hand.
 
He did not say a word.  He came walking back in, went straight to the front door, and said he would have to think about this a bit longer.
 
"I won't." I said.  "You need to find the funny in this."  I said, I tried to make light of all of it to save his embarrassment.
 
"Lady, there is nothing about pooping in your pants that is funny."
 
He made his way to his car and drove away.  I still have not heard from him.... I don't think I am going to wonder about that one anymore.
 
If I had been a sixteen-year-old girl I would have been devastated.  It was an embarrassing situation for anyone.  However, it still makes me laugh.  The poor dear man.  I guess from now on I need to make sure they have a sense of humor first.
 
 I was looking out the window into my backyard this morning.  I could actually see the backyard this morning.  The trees that had fallen on my fence and torn out my power lines were all gone now.  The grass was mowed, the fence repaired.  I saw a red bird.  He, too, was amazed.  I saw him sitting on the fence, and suddenly he burst into song.  I am glad he did, because I do not sing, but someone needed to do it.  Pretty soon another bird showed up.  I drank my coffee and enjoyed the songs.  The squirrels are back as well.  It is going to be a good summer.
 
I thought again about my introduction to dating in 2021.  I was prepared to talk about Medicare and the changes in it.  I figured we would talk a tiny bit about the political climate in the country.  We could even have talked about discounts for seniors and where to get them. 
 
I admit it.  I was not prepared to talk about his pacemaker, his walker, and pooping in his pants.  Dating today... is different.


Submitted: June 08, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Texasjane. All rights reserved.

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AdamCarlton

This is a macabre account. I have to admit I laughed...

Tue, June 8th, 2021 7:39am

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I tried so hard not to laugh, but he was wrong... it was funny. I felt sorry for him, but it was still funny. Thank you for understanding.

Tue, June 8th, 2021 3:35am

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