Retirement At The Funny Farm

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


I am excited. It has been a while since we have all visited the Funny Farm. Grandmother always said I would end up on one or be running a Funny Farm; so, it fits. I can't believe I actually got the sign painted and posted. It has been interesting to say the least. A great place for me to retire. I think George has come to visit more than anyone else. I think the animals bring him some sort of peace. A retired New York cop would find peace on a funny farm... no pun intended.

I have taken the gamble and invited some of my old neighbors to the place. Several have been asking about Loverboy, "the llama who spits" is more to the point.

The police officers who handled him often ask about him, by name. It is amazing how well he and Hamstring get along. They walk everywhere together. I bet their conversations are a hoot. Oh, I know they talk, I have seen them, and they stop when I come close. That is a sure sign.

I know Tarzan has been enchanted with his new surroundings. When you have an African Grey parrot who sings opera, you can't just let him practice in a small town. His habit of making a siren noise also kind of bugs the police chief. Things have been kind of quiet, in town, since I brought Tarzan here.

Today is also special because I have brought Bella, Sweet Pea, Oscar and his wife Grammy with me too. Peanut might like it out here. I hope he does not go mouse hunting. I hope Oscar keeps track of his cat. Did you here what I just said? Oscar is a pet squirrel and Peanut is his pet cat. Oh, well, I guess it is my household that is a bit crazy.

I rented out the house in town and today is my second official day of being retired on "The Funny Farm". I wonder if any of my fur babies will miss the house in town?

It is time all my fur babies met. Sidekick seems to be having fun. He always does. He still likes carrying water to the brood mare next door, so he can nurse her. She sees a horse three feet tall, she assumes it is a colt. Sidekick is four. A miniature horse never had a more devoted fan than Becky. He loves giving her rides, and she loves taking care of him too. He is the perfect horse for a little girl who is a little person, like her mother.  That was a good decision to ask Becky and her mother to stay here with Barbra and be caretakers while I am in the city. I can't believe I said that. The city I live in has a total population of about twelve hundred people. Still, it is a town and this is the country. They can still help me take care of the place, there is plenty of room for all of us.

I think I will start out with a stroll down to the pond. No, I will work on food first. Maybe I should check with the girls and find out if they have plans before I go too far. Mr. Holcomb will be here in about three hours. I hope I drew that map right. I am not going to tell anyone that I got lost again getting here today. That is just my little secret. I know that donkey was laughing at me. He did last time too. Well, it was an easy mistake. What do I know about North and South, I go this away and thata-way? Every place is just over yonder. Gads, Jane, now you are arguing with yourself. Really, get a grip, girl. Don't let him know you are crazy till at least the second date. Well, you are not really crazy, just around the edges. I made myself giggle.

I can see him in my mind. He is real eye candy. That white beard and that wonder mustache that curls a little on each end. I think the bushy eyebrows just add a bit to the rugged face. I bet he is sweet and understanding as he looks. We have emailed a few things back and forth. He loves animals, children. I told him about Betty and Becky being little people, so he would not be caught off guard.

I still wonder why he insisted on meeting me here at the farm? He said he might bring his pet with him too. I hope Bella is polite. She seems to get a little jealous of other dogs. Sweet Pea is too old to be a threat to anyone. We just have to make sure to introduce them slowly. I hope what ever he has is trained.

I have to make sure to remind him if he decides to climb that tree over the pod, he might fall in. If he does, all he has to do is stand up. I can't believe I got caught by that root and screamed for help. Praying out loud, till Barbra showed up and said, "I don't know what you want God to do, just stand up." I stood up and found myself in three feet of water. Still, it made me laugh.

Looks like Barbra has the grill going. I think eating outside is best. That way everyone can be relaxed. I told Mr. Holcomb to honk, and we would open the gate, so he could drive around the back. "Jane, I have the ribs, chicken, and "p, o, r, k", on the grill. I wrapped the sweet potatoes in "b, a, c, o, n", and foil. It does not take them too long to cook, so will put them on last. The corn on the cob is already as well. Do You think we will need a side salad?"

Barbra always laughed when she had to spell words that Hamstring recognized.

He would squeal himself silly if he ever heard either word. I wonder if all pigs are as smart as the potbellied ones.  He kissed George right on the lips.Hamstring is so smart, he scares himself most of the time. I think that is why he is best friends with a llama who likes to spit on anyone in a uniform. It was a police officer who had to remove the body of his previous owner when she died. Loverboy has hated anyone in uniform ever since.I think Hamstring and Peanut was a surprise to us all.

"Barbra, I really do not think we need a lettuce type salad. Maybe some mac and cheese on the side will do the trick."

"Will do. I figure your gentlemen friend should be here in about half an hour. You best go get yourself dolled up." Barbra headed to the kitchen to complete the preparations. I had seen Betty and Becky in the barn earlier taking care of the goats and the chickens.

The chickens supply us with fresh eggs since I brought home Rooster, the rooster. Tilly and Jelly, the goats, supply milk. I just wish they did not love butting people. I could let them out more. The little garden out back has been great for the extra food supply. I always have to go to the butcher quietly and sneak the packages into the freezer. It is best the critters don't know we eat meat.

I am ready now. Even my eyelashes are straight this time. One last squirt of perfume, and I am set. I own a farm, but I don't have to smell like one. I heard the honk.

The bongs (I wonder who) from the bells hanging on the gate let me know someone had let Mr. Holcomb in the gate. "OH MY GOD." Mr. Holcomb screamed at the top of his lungs. He has a trailer behind his car. Another llama!! "OH MY GOD, GET THEM AWAY, JANE, JANE; WON'T SOMEONE HELP ME"?

I am trying to get to Mr. Holcomb as fast as I can. I spotted Oscar and Grammy on top of the gate. Likewise, I understand how the gate got open now. Tilly and Jelly are butting him; not exactly. Tilly is butting Mr. Holcomb's hip, but Jelly is butting his car door, so he can't get back into his car. All the critters are having a field day at Mr. Holcomb's expense.

Rooster is on the top of the window of his convertible giving his morning cry. Bella is mooing and sniffing his bottom. He has brought a pet llama with him. A female, yikes!! "YUK". Loverboy is spitting all over him. Hamstring is trying to untie his loafers. "Come on, you side of bacon, leave my shoes alone." Hamstring started squealing so loud I had to cover my ears.

"Sidekick, No. Too late". Sidekick just dumped a bucket of water all over the man's pants.

I yelled for Barbra and anyone in the house to help me. It took a few minutes to calm things down to the point where we could talk. Betty got a hold of Jelly so Mr. Holcomb could get back in his car. He had let his llama out. I wish he had waited till he had pulled around to the back. Oh, well.

Oscar and Grammy scampered to the ground and got on Sweet Pea's back.  I guess they were going to ride back to the house.  Peanut followed close behind them.

About that time, Loverboy spotted HER.  We all had to laugh at the smack noises Loverboy was making. "What is her name"? I shooed the critters away from the car as I closed the driver's door. "You can drive around back when you are ready."

"She is 'Mrs. Holcomb'". He said with a smile. "No, is the answer to your next question. My nephew named her, not me. I told you I have never married. You are warned, she spits at cops. Don't ask me why, she just does."

Just as he started to pull away, Tarzan let out one of his siren. Mr. Holcomb, looked around and got real excited. "Which way are they coming from"? He instantly turned his car around, trailer and all, and headed out the gate. Loverboy stopped smooching just long enough to deliver another spitball. "Yuk!"

"But, Mr. Holcomb, wait..." He was gone. I looked at Mrs. Holcomb, now nuzzling with Loverboy. "Come on gang. We just lost another one.  Looks like we traded one beast for another."

I decided to call the police chief. When I asked him if there was anything exciting going on, he told me that a man with a horse trailer on his car had robbed the grocery store in town at gun point, and they had been looking for him. I told him exactly where to find him. I could tell from the direction he took off in; that he was going to the same place I go when I get lost. What he does not know is there is nowhere to turn around there. I hear real sirens now. Tarzan is chiming in as usual. The dogs are howling, as usual.

"Chief, we are having a cook out. I would love to have you and your whole family come and join us."

"Sure, Jane. I just got word. My guys caught the guy thanks to you. You have a reward coming to you. I wonder how you knew he would be stuck out there with that donkey. My guys mentioned a donkey laughing on the other side of the fence.

This guy has been robbing grocery stores across East Texas for several months. He always seems to disappear. All we could ever find was what looked like the beginning of a petting zoo. You would not believe it, Jane. The last time we thought we had him we found a llama there."

"I would believe it, Chief. Her name is Mrs. Holcomb. Come on by, let me introduce you".

"What"?

"Bring the family, Chief. Have I got a story for you? Remember to bring your umbrella and do not come in uniform."

 
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Submitted: June 13, 2021

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