Abuse and Betrayal: Things I Learned About Humans Who Cheat and Abuse

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

My entire past and all my relationships up until current have been a negative experience for me in some way. My familial and personal relationships have been riddled with cheating and abuse, many times the men and women I have dated did both. As a survivor, not a victim, I just want to share my experience and the experience of those around me. I want anyone who has considered cheating or using abusive behavior toward someone who loves them to take a step back and take a look at the situation; choose breakup/divorce/separation. At the end of the day, hurting someone by leaving them to find someone that can treat them better is still less of a hurt than hurting them by taking out your frustrations on them or cheating on them and exposing them to horrible things.
It is my hope that this gives a little insight. I am usually non-judgemental, but every good decent human I know has been through something of the sort and it is time for this to stop!

Let me just start off by saying that this isn’t the first time I have written or will write about my abuse, being cheated on, or my relationships in general. I feel that the things I have been through deserve to be examined as something to help me identify things going on in my life for the future. We learn from our mistakes and guard ourselves based on past trauma, as some of us may “use this against” our new partners, there are more of us that are just keeping an eye out for the red flags. There are men and women who cheat, all ages cheat, and people from all sexual orientations cheat (yes! Even Ace people cheat.) No, cheating doesn’t require sex and it can be with a person you’ve never met in person. There are many levels of abuse when you cheat on someone. Let us unpack what cheating really does to your significant other.

Cheating is usually not the only reckless behavior a person is involving themselves in when they cheat; in a few instances I have talked to people who have gotten STI’s like chlamydia and gonorrhea from their cheating partners. On this level, I myself have gotten things from being cheated on. During both my pregnancies my husband cheated on me and gave me HPV. He exposed me to the highest risk strains of HPV during pregnancy and was then told I needed to be checked for cervical cancer. Thankfully, in my case, I did not get cancer and shed those cells after giving birth. Not all cheaters will be opposed to safe sex, and some may have multiple side partners with varying degrees of safety. But it is common for men and women who cheat to feel that since their partner doesn’t cheat then they are clean, and the other person must be clean. There are also many of these people that just don’t care, they don’t care about themselves, nor do they care about the people they sleep with or even the one’s they later say they loved the whole time they cheated.

Cheating is being normalized, over and over again, with humans stating that life-long partnerships are not attainable or reasonable. But this is not normal behavior. This is a flaw, a character flaw of another human being. It says, “Hi! I have no will-power and no morals. I don’t know how to use human decency and that’s okay because I have FREE WILL!" Yes, they do, they have the free will to leave any situation that doesn't make them happy, but they are happy destroying another human being instead of finding something better for them. Most cheaters, who aren't abusive, are self-sabotaging. They are trying to mess up their own life, they want to get caught so that their fear of intimacy or some other reason they've convinced themselves they need to ruin their own life over can get over with. These are the types that have unresolved trauma and are acting out of needing to love themselves enough to get help. It's still not okay, it is just a more understandble reason because not many cheaters have one, or at least they will tell you this. 

The space where abuse and betrayal meet usually happens when those people who cheat then make their partners forgive them and continue to cheat. There are also some spouses that cheat and take everything from their partners when they protest. I know many women who found out that their spouse was cheating and had no way to get out or stop it because their husband (mostly) had already cut them off from everything they knew. These women had children, they decided to stay home with those children, and then the husband took advantage and made it difficult for the wife to leave. Spouses who knowingly and purposely take their significant other's freedom from them this way are usually also verbally abusive, feel the need to act as if they've done no wrong, and tend to stay gone for long periods of time stating "I'm just spending time with my friends". They are the first people to make it a big deal that you wanted to know where they were, even though you are the spouse, even though you have children together... they feel there is no need to tell you anything and they have the right to do what they want. You, they feel, only have the rights to take care of the children or maybe go to church. I have known a couple of men who had wives that would do this, their only right was to work and make the money. Their wives kept tabs on them because they needed to make sure they were occupied with the kids when they were out so they couldn't catch them. Neither of these situations are healthy, even with the roles swapped or as a gay or lesbian couple. None of this is okay, ever. 

There are worse situations regarding abuse related to people being cheated on. Recently there have been high profile cases of people murdering their spouses/significant others and even their children for their side piece. As someone who has been told to her face by every man that ever cheated on her that "they just couldn't help it", and the one time a girlfriend cheated "You lack penis, I would do anything for penis", I have to say I've been afraid many times. The worry I had even the last time I was cheated on, finding out I was pregnant and seeing messages that looked like love letters to my husband really threw me for a loop and had me feeling like I might be the next to die. There's also the type who cheats, but needs someone to use as a skapegoat for their family. They let you take all the blame and even allow their family to verbally abuse you and use you. In the past, I was forced to empty and clean buckets of pee that my ex-mother-in-law had filled all through her bedroom because she couldn't hold her pee to make it to the bathroom at night. I also recently heard a friend of mine say she was the only one that would clean up after something horrific that happened at her father-in-law's house; this instance left puddles of blood all over the floor and no one else would clean it so her husband made her do it. We've both been cheated on most of our adult lives, abused, and yes used... all by the people who "love us".

(This is all I have so far, I will come back with more later)


Submitted: July 02, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Brii Presley. All rights reserved.

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