I'll never know...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Memories of a summer long ago and far away.

I’m cleaning up in the kitchen. The day is hot. From my window I can see the yellow, dry vegetation on the slopes of Mount Diablo.

I smile to myself, remembering what I used to say.

I would love to live in a warm climate.”

Be careful what you wish for’ the saying goes..


I pour myself a glass of Ice tea. I sit down. I need a break.

The radio is playing ‘Golden Oldies’. So very much ‘Oldies’ I think..

And then I hear ‘Spellbound’, Eddie Calvert's haunting trumpet.

My hand holding the glass tightens.

I listen, and I remember….

Yes, I remember a time long ago and far away.

And as the trumpet is playing I feel a hurt inside me. It’s deep inside, hidden, forgotten.

But it’s there.

I shake my head in disbelief. ‘How strange, after all these years, it’s still there.’

Ans as I listen to the music I remember.

I remember Him…


It wasn’t summer when we first met, it was early spring, when daylight is purple, shimmering,

and nightfall seems to hesitate.

How magical the changing of the seasons used to seem. When spring turns to summer, with soft, warm rain and the fragrance of Jasmine in light summer’s nights.

Bare feet running on cliffs by the lake warmed by the sun and smoothed by eons of wind and waves. Daisies and bluebells by the wayside, wild strawberries strung on a straw, feeling the sun on your face and praying for summer to last forever.


But autumn came, unnoticeable at first. The moon spilled glitter on the lake with water warmer than the nighttime air, swimming in the dark waters, wanting not to let summer go.

Then autumn came with force, colors, crisp air, branches bending with ripened fruits..

But also...walks in the woods, solitude, only the whisper of wind high in the tree-tops..



And there’s the season with no name when rain pierces your face, soggy leaves twirling about,

gray, gray days when summer seems long ago.


But, you wake up one morning, look outside. The first snow. Everything before is forgiven, forgotten. A wonderland of white, and you wish you could fly to leave it untouched.


The Holiday Season with celebrations, millions of lights. It all seemed to mean more, where days are short and the darkness near.


Then, suddenly one day, the daylight seems different. You can smell the snow melting.

You know it’s over. Winter has lost. It’s still lingering, but you can sense the awakening, the beginning. A new spring.

It was a day like that when we first met, but before spring turned to summer, you were gone, and I never saw you again.

The last time I saw you, that last night, you left, you ran down the stairs. I heard you start your car. Then you turned the engine off. Just sat there...

I was standing in the dark, unseen, waiting, wanting you to come back. But you drove away.

I stood there alone, so completely alone. And I felt a hurt inside. A hurt that grew and grew, as if a 1000 fingers were carving, scratching my inside, wanting to get out. But there was no getting out.


Life went on. I worked, I played, I cried, I laughed. But nothing seemed real. Only the hurt inside me was real.

I would lie on my bed and play the record ‘Spellbound’ over and over. It was as if the trumpet gave

words to my hurt, words I didn’t have. And while the music was was playing I felt peace.


So many times I have thought about that night. We didn’t know each other well. We didn’t know each others wants, expectations. We only knew each other each moment that was then.

Every day, every night, was filled with moments. It was enough.

But that night you asked me for a future. I was bewildered, unprepared..

You were 4 years older. I needed those 4 years too. I needed to learn, to see, experience.

The future was later.



Did you leave because you were disappointed, were you angry, hurt? I will never know.

When you left that night, what were your thoughts? Where did you go? Did you find peace?

Have you ever surmised what might have been?

What have you thought when you’ve seen a sunrise or the full moon’s shimmer? Or heard a special melody? Have you thought of me.?

I will never know.


Last September my mother died. My last tie to the ‘Old country’.

After all is taken care of, finalized, I am sitting on a train with my young nephew.

We didn’t fit in the car, and he was excited about his first train ride..

The train makes a stop, somebody gets off, leaves a newspaper behind.

I pick it up, look through the pages, and there I see the announcement of His death.

I see his name, his date of birth, the date he died. I see the name of his wife, 2 sons, a grandson.

Only his name I know.

My hands are shaking, I feel tears in my eyes. And for a moment I feel alone, so completely alone..

My nephew looks at me. “Are you all right”? he ask.

Yes”. I turn to him, show him the paper.

Someone I used to know has died.”

He takes the paper and reads. And then, as if to console me, he says.

Well, he was kind of old.”

I take his hand, hold it, I smile.

No” I say. “He wasn’t old. He was never old. He was only…. 26.”


And as I sit on the train, looking out the window, my thoughts far away from the now.

Maybe’, I think, ‘maybe to him, all these years, if he has ever thought of me… if he remembered ..

I would always be... just 22.’


But I will never know...


Submitted: July 19, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Bibbsan. All rights reserved.

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