To love or be loved? [Review Chain Contest entry]

Poem by: shika

Reads: 263 | Likes: 2 | Shelves: 2 | Comments: 5

This poem describes the true love of a lady for her lord. See how she ponders whether she wants to love or be loved.

When I first came to the world

with a loud cry, insecure and curled,

I didn’t know what time was

And why it wouldn’t pause.

Day and night chased each other’s backs

When I finally had to decide the tracks.

Years growing up, waiting for my knight,

Must I choose the Day or Night?

The Day when I could be

not lonely anymore but with thee -

My one and only Lord, whom

I’ve always held within this fleshy room.

The Night when we are far apart,

bearing a poisonous dart

I try to shield thee,

even if I can’t catch a glimpse of thee.

Oh! what should I choose my Lord?

Joined by a minute chord,

The Day when I watch you in anguish

While I am with thee as per my wish,

Or the Night when I bear thine pain

Knowing you’re safe afar not in vain?

I know what thou would do

And make me do too

But I resist my Lord! For,

I love thee too dearly or

think you’ve suffered enough

from circumstances that are rough.

So, I choose the Night

even if I can’t see the light.

With my body turning pale,

every footstep hurting like in the Mermaid’s fairytale,

My bones are waning

as the moon is dawning.

Though invisible as a speck,

I may not belong in your deck

Yet, I want to steal

all thine sorrows away to heal,

For thou never show

the pains that make thee feel low.

Maybe one day

I will choose the Day

But till then, I shall put up a fight

with these phases of the Night.

Submitted: August 11, 2021

Romance love night lord lady day

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Comments

Nikita Ahujh

Wow shika! This poem is so thoughtful. You have captured the very essence of how people associate with the Lord above. The kind of devotion they have and the way they make decisions. While you have addressed this poem to the Lord above, I can positively say, that this kind of devotion and care does not only stand true for Him but also for the people around us. The same care is shown to our partners, parents and whoever we have ever loved.
A point of suggestion to just improve your poem would be, in the 7th stanza, the 'For' and 'or' could have been taken to the next line to make it better. An English necessity, otherwise the poem is too the point.
Regards, Nikita

Thu, August 12th, 2021 3:15am

Author
Reply

Thank you for taking the time to review this and for your honest opinions Nikita. I wanted to give a deliberate pause for the statements after 'For' and 'Or' but I guess it might have sounded weird. For now, I'll hold on to the original verses for the competition and see what I can do after it ends. Appreciate your honest feedback once again.

Sat, August 14th, 2021 9:55pm

nikappuhamy

WOW! What a lovely piece of writing! I really love the poem shika!! The way how you bring out the way how humans do engage with the god.. Nice rhyming among the stanzas.. I agree with Nikita.. There's a bit of confusion in the 7th stanza(according to my vision).. Nice work!! Good luck with the contest!!
Nishi = )

Thu, August 12th, 2021 4:42am

Author
Reply

Thank you Nikappuhamy for your encouraging comments. I am going to try add a comma after for to see if it can give the deliberate pause for the sentences that I had intended to. I would try changing the 7th stanza probably after the competition ends. Thank you for taking time to review this, appreciate it :)

Sat, August 14th, 2021 9:57pm

DiyaSL

A wonderful poem Shika. I like the way you have used the emotions among the characters. The feelings were nicely described. The debate between the day and night really felt so lovely. The way of rhyming the words were so nice. As Nikita said this is a thoughtful poem. And also heart-touching. Finally, I do love the way you have addressed the Lord in the poem.................
-Good luck for your future writings Shika

Thu, August 12th, 2021 6:22am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much diyaSL, your motivating comments mean a lot to me and I'm glad you liked it :) Thank you once again for your wishes and comment.

Sat, August 14th, 2021 9:58pm

CM.N

To love or to be loved? That is the question. Which one is better? Some said it is better to love someone but others said it is better to be loved. The author use Day and Night to describe this. And at the end the lady choose the night. I like how it rythme with Knight - a warrior. Great poem :)

Fri, August 13th, 2021 7:00am

Author
Reply

Thank you CM.N for your lovely comment giving a gist of the poem. Glad you liked it and I love the interpretation you gave for the Knight :)

Sat, August 14th, 2021 10:00pm

Archia

I really enjoyed your poem and how you showed that battle between having to choose to do something something for yourself or someone you love. It really shows utter love for their lord. The only thing that I couldn't figure out was what it is actually is that's keeping them apart. There's something about the day and night that means one of them has to suffer, but what is it? I'm wondering if there's something a bit more ethereal to it. Anyway, your poem was very enjoyable to read. I liked the tone that you took, it was a bit medieval and I think set the poem nicely.

Tue, August 17th, 2021 10:42am

Author
Reply

You nailed it Archia. You made me traverse the thoughts that led me to write this poem using your prompt. This poem is based on the love for God by a mere human being but I didn't want it to sound that way and chose the vintage version of writing to signify the love between a normal Lady and her Lord in ancient times.

Let's say that the Lord bears all the burdens of the world by himself and the Lady in love with him wants to be with him to live happily. The Lord is so engulfed in keeping his Lady happy that he masks all his pain and wouldn't let the Lady know of his burdens when they're together. The Lady who becomes aware of this refuses to accept his decision (But I resist my Lord!) and decides to step away from him until she can free him from all his burdens because she knows he'll never let her bear/share his pain as long as they are together. (So, I choose the night, even if I can't see the light.)

There may also be another reason why these lovers can't be together since one is high and almighty while the other is so trivial in existence (I may not belong in your deck).

So, it's either the burdens or the power/status that keeps them apart. Hope that answered your question Archia. Thank you so much for not just reading it but also analyzing the depths of this. Appreciate it so much!

Wed, August 18th, 2021 10:38am