An essay on the mystifying betrayals I have experienced in my so-called Human Life.

Janus Faces


By Alexander Guinevere Kern




My Friends, Confident, Readers, Curious Others -


Often I mention that I “do not understand people.”


One of my dear friends recently celebrated 47 years of marriage.


If I am not mistaken, the only Beings who have been with me the longest were my two cats, both of which went Home at 21 years of age.


47 years with one person?


How?  That is my first question.  How in the lap of life’s uncertainties, does one not get BORED?


My marriages were to Ordinary Men, and I am an Ordinary Woman.


My last ex-husband IS extraordinary. While never pronouncing me to be dull or uninteresting, the most important trait in a marriage for him was “a best friend in bed.”


I dunno what that means, as my regular readers will have noted.


And I don’t really want to understand what he meant. He’s not the only man to denounce my lack of social and bedroom skills, so there ya go.


I did all the housework, and ladies know what an unending and dull series of responsibilities has been our lot for centuries.


In addition, I worked full time.  As did my husbands.  They made the occasional cheese dip, washed the cars, did routine but not-too-taxing repair jobs around the house and mowed the lawn. The contributed their paychecks to our overall pathetic larder of cashola.


The first three husbands and a few assorted Yahooties, labored at regular jobs for adequate pay - but barely that. Combined with my paycheck, after bills we could claim $100 remaining at the end of the month. We might have gone to the movies or taken my cild to Chuck E. Cheese.  Second and third hand furniture - sad because we were skilled workers, technically skilled and trained.


But every day - the same sort of work. Every day. For all the years I worked, I never earned more than one week’s vacation per year.


Per year!


My last husband was born and raised in Germany. His entire education was paid for. He had erection to resurrection medical care, vision and dental care.  He was bewildered by the idea of an “insurance card.”


His first job gave 6 weeks vacation and that was typical for all of his highly educated friends and pretty much every worker.  His parents received money every month for every child, from their day of birth, so they could “raise good Germans.”  His college paid for his entire PhD education and a studio apartment.  The government saved up money for everyone’s first down payment on their future homes.  Safe to say, he still had to labor hard and long to earn his PhD in Physics and his teachers were top of the subject.


Btw, companies CANNOT FIRE YOU, except for extreme circumstances.  They don't have "sick leave." When you are sick, you won't come in to work. When you are well again, you return.  So much vacation leave at some point, employees got two MONTHS OFF.


Let’s be fair - he had a Cushy life and so did all of his friends.


All of my other husbands were tradesmen, trained and skilled at trade schools. We paid for those educations, too.


So - day after day, year after year, the same job. After a few years, a raise and promotion, which back then only amounted to an slight increase in pay and even more responsibility.  Except for the unfortunate recession in our industry in 1991 and the advent of AutoCAD and the computer explosion to come, I would have ended up a Supervisor with the attendant power, pay and security.


Same job, different day. Same bills, every month, because we could not afford extras. The Day Care cost more than our rent. My husbands were attached to Televisions after work, and I, of course, cooked. And was none too skilled at that job, to be honest.


The sameness is soul-killing. Bills must be paid. The glass ceiling did not only limit females in the workplace.


Together, we still barely made the bill load at the end of every month.


None of these men were interested or even would have understood my need and personal nature to be curious about everything. I had solitary *hobbies* and television bored me. I did not have enough time or money in this life, to travel, to read, to go on exciting adventures, to take painting lessons - only to journey beyond my front door and the office door and home again, to the same order of the day and the occasional pizza. Or Chuck E. Cheese. It seemed like most of the mothers I knew celebrated their children’s birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. They served wine there, so you can guess where all the mothers were to be found - and the occasional Dad. The noise level was akin to living next to an airport.


One party-go-er, about age 8, walked up to me and said, "Gimme ten dollars."


So boring. Yeah, I know - beer pocketbook and champagne taste. For me, it was far more than that! I read 5 books a week. I wanted to attend one hour poetry classes at the local library and attend an art class once per week. NONE of my life partners allowed these desires of mine to be permitted. And without interest or curiosity, permission to investigate all the marvels which exist in our world, their lack of my fascination with any subject, and their bewildering acceptance of their mundane and predictable lives, I could not imagine living with any of them for longer than 5-8 years. Two of them played softball. I was expected to show up and cheer. I didn't.


Since my last ex was so brilliant I would have never left him. However, my illness and subsequent inability to work and bring home a paycheck caused him to find a more exciting “best friend in bed,” and he pushed me out of our home. I did not fight him, as the medication caused me to become exhausted and without good focus or attention so I could organize my thoughts, I accepted my obvious fate. I will upload another post outlining just how terribly he treated me. Okay, Dude, you do not want me for a wife - there was no need to mistreat and abuse me verbally and physically so I would leave - he knew I had zero energy and could not work, no matter how greatly I desired to do so.


As for the other 3 and a few other men with whom I shared some time, they continue to be the same men today as they were when I married them. One of my past boyfriends is the father of one of my daughters. He was dead drunk when I knew him and he died a hopeless drunk. And a good-looking man, too! Not an idiot - could have had a nice life.


How they can live those meaningless existences is beyond me. I can’t stay married to a man for 47 years unless he is a go-getter adventurer, a self-made or accomplished person in habit, career, general abilities, super intelligent. 


American life is boring for the poor, the middling poor and even some of the lower middle class, or, it was, back when I worked full time.  My German ex had been world traveling since the age of 4. He took me around the world and his endless curiosity led him to read almost as many magazines as I did in a week. I could count on him for the most intriguing conversations. A 5 Star Individual Intelligence who nevertheless, found I failed to excite.


Be that as it may, he took vows and when he broke them, he truly deceived and hurt me, and left me in utter poverty without a single frisson of guilt.


I am saying something in this essay - and here it is: every person I trusted to the point where I would say, “Yes, this is my best friend. They can be counted on for friendly and thought-provoking convo. They’re up for adventure. They can be trusted without a single moment of doubt.”


Every. One. Of. Them. Betrayed. Me.  And when? When no one else was looking.


And those were my besties, folks. One woman stole my jewelry when I left it at her house one time. Another girl we vetted for a baby sitter - had even her father interview US. I have told that story in a previous essay. My neighbor called me at work and told me THAT girl, was stumbling around and an ambulance later took her to the hospital because she took an overdose of aspirin. She left my 4 year old wandering the streets until Margie saw her and took her into her apartment and phoned me. My attorney in Mississippi, who was supposed to be defending me and protecting me and helping me keep all of my daughters while my ex was duking his secretary - suddenly confessed his undying love for me - a married man who soon ditched me when I did NOT respond in like kind.


We trusted the young girl up the street to watch our house for a week while we went on vacation - the girl with the highest class grades, who went home right after school, lived with her Chinese grandparents and was the very representative of the perfect child - upon our return we learned she had invited into my daughter’s water bed the neighborhood's WORST juvenile delinquent.  I have no idea if he stole anything from us. My ex and I did not have a lock on our bedroom door! I changed the sheets at once. I also did not pay her for house-watching, then or ever again. Her parents would have been scandalized, so we decided not to tell them their perfect, straight A, nerd daughter was messing with a dirty, low class, scuzzy, high school dropout. The sort of boy Mom’s fear - because they are already criminals and proud of their introduction to their future career.


I was aghast. Was no one trustworthy? Where were they RAISED, for God’s sake?


As I head on toward 67 years of age, I have come to the conclusion that correct "raising" and monitoring "influencers" on children of all sort, especially idiots on Twitter and Instagram.  Monitor their movie selections and do not allow violent and offensive content to appear before their innocent, developing minds. Also it would be beneficial to add a social/spiritual gathering of good people (and Girls Scouts/Boy Scouts) is ESSENTIAL to raising good Americans. And please again initiate the Pledge of Allegiance and prayer in school. How can you NOT want to pledge allegiance to our Country's FLAG? I don't give a rat pewp if people are "offended!"


Attend a school where you don't have to, then. But I paid taxes 40 years and that supported the school system and I INSIST that issue be revisited.




I have already uploaded other curious and heartbreaking incidents I experienced with scads of other people.


And those were the ones who were supposed to be “friends” of mine.


WTH is wrong with people?  What are they *thinking* and how come they think it is not only okay to engage in their perfidious work, but they were not even ashamed when I demanded they admit it!!  They were not mocking me when admitting to their disturbing behavior. In fact, they were defiant and defensive!


One ex who attended a VERY religious church was cheating on our marriage with his secretary. When I demanded how he justified this behavior in light of the Bible Commandments; he replied arrogantly:


"I practice the commandments which make sense."


Every excuse in the world.  None of it excusable. I suppose other people forgive and forget daily.  I do not.  I am not cruel or heartless to those persons - however, that being stated, I was no longer keeping them in my Inner Circle.


Naturally, I do not trust anyone.  The men who gathered around me when I used to tell stories or joke or try to entertain - dilated around me like agitated bees.  I tell the same sort of stories, to entertain - I am the same woman who loves to make people laugh. I am the same trustworthy individual they confided their every sordid secret to - but now they don’t let me talk three minutes before they wave their wedding ring at me and announce the state of their matrimony!


I do proclaim not one of my Lifelong friends, with whom I attended school from second grade to graduation would ever betray or hurt any person and they never have done so to me. Besides, if they had made trouble for or injured another of our almost 400 classmates, we would have all heard about it.  We all lived within blocks of one another. I'll bet THAT has something to do with our upbringing and enforced good behavior.


It appears one must grow up with one’s associates, share their interests, their religion, their family’s values, the same education, before one can even begin to comprehend and trust them as people, especially once we all graduated or got our first job.


The only men who ever loved me sincerely are my first boyfriend, Phil Myers (crossed over in 1999 and can’t wait to see him again) and my other High School boyfriend Ralph - and my first husband.


All the others kept hidden affections. Some of those men constantly made comments which were hurtful and insisted they were being truthful. When declaring why and how their new women were clearly my superior in every way, they were proud and cocky.  I refused to fight for my marriage and beg them on bended knee to stay, so then, they left.


Frankly, I was not in the least disturbed. I considered myself fortunate. My living circumstances and finances took quite the dive, as you can imagine.


They were doomed to a life on repeat. By their choice, none of them changed. They still have nothing interesting to say. I don’t understand how they can tolerate cycling in the same dirty, boring, broken washing machine existence.


My parents were friendly and openly happy to meet new people. However - their dearest friends were their friends from a time before their wedding, as most of them worked in the same place - they called themselves The Couples Club.  They met up frequently and their kids played with us. We knew them all intimately - excellent people who CARED about their reputations. Their word WAS their bond. They were friends with my parents until they all Crossed Over, where, I hope, they are all still playing cards and discussing God and the World and all the fascinating subjects which tantalized their prodigious intellects.


When and if this pandemic ENDS, I will seek out a small group of “friends” and that will continue unless they violate my trust in some way.  I will steer clear of other people as I cannot understand people at all and my attention span for bad behavior is short, indeed.


What I had to hear, over and over again, throughout the years what a whore/slut/tramp/prostitute/unfit mother I was for being married so many times. As you know, that is laughable!  How quick they judge with their limited life experience and lack of insight and understanding!  That was their Agenda speaking, not their conscience!


How they BORE me with their condemnations! Did they have to stay married to MY men just to keep a solid roof over the heads of their children?


No, of course not. Mr. and Mrs. Dullard never think past the routine day.


Had I not gotten sick, over-medicated and now a disabled Senior, I would have been writing ten novels, painting 40 perfect paintings, traveling the world over, engaged to someone like say, Richard Burton the Adventurer, not the actor.  I am a definite risk taker.  So I had to take the largest risk of all at my former home on Parksley Avenue in Baltimore. I had to risk being murdered, in order that I might learn who was behind my ghastly experiences and how to makes sure no one else ever had to endure such atrocities in my great America.


WTH is wrong with people? I was just reading about the Waldensians and how the Catholic Church wanted them murdered and then proceeded to commit such atrocious acts I had to give up on my visit to Wiki.


They were massacred. Even infants, children - helpless people who only wanted to live with one another and practice their pre-protestant type religion.


They were brutally and maliciously burned at the stake, (just read Wiki, I can’t stand writing about it) destroyed by Catholics, because they did not want to be Catholics.  If I were not already well-read and have unfortunately encountered many a similar story - I think I would have fainted at the inhumanity to man.


Had none of them EVER read the Bible?




No such word as “Christian” existed until about 200 A.D.  Jesus would not have known what they were talking about! Joshua was a JEWISH teacher!


Rabbi = Teacher.  Disciples = Students.


Sort of like GUIDES and STUDENTS in the Heavenly Realms. I wonder if “The Source of All That Is” took back all those murderous monsters with a blast of Opium looooove once their body went kaput. That is what those "Souls" in Past Life Regression say! Source takes every Soul back because there is no where else for those Souls TO GO.


That is a lie. You may find me playing pool with Owlin in the Lower 9.


I can just IMAGINE those “Catholics” and endless others of whatever "Religion" appearing before the Real God of the Universe and trying to explain to Yahweh WHY they felt compelled to murder one another in the name of “religion.”


Should be an All Star Cast, eh, Source?


Earth is a dangerous place. Even more so now. What will occur if non-vaccinated persons have to be forced to agree to vaccination, even though there are breakthrough cases even in the vaccinated? And, the worse is yet to come. Yes, it is. Because I SEE it.


Yahweh wanted me to be a Seer and who am I, but an Ordinary Woman, to refuse Him?


I doubt he was granting Holy Ear to all those women who boffed my husbands, yet ascribed certain insulting names to my Holy Person.

That day, that day, should be interesting, indeed.


When I moved South long ago, my fellow construction workers from Up Nawth, found a number of aforementioned Southern women to be two-faced. And they were not wrong, they simply failed to recall that they, too, proved to little Miss Kern, that were just as devious-devising.


I don’t care what they station, the education, the religion, the social status, the reputation - the people who back-stabbed and bad-mouthed and criticized me to others did so when I wasn’t present. I did not learn about their bum nickel affections until years later.


Man .  . . I despise gutless cowards.

Submitted: August 19, 2021

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