My Own Terms

Reads: 319  | Likes: 2  | Shelves: 1  | Comments: 5

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Review Chain

For writing contest

 

 

 

 
 
 
As we left Illyria, I could not help but feel sad. After all we had done. After all we had seen. To think that a world like this existed behind a broken mirror. Mirrors are portals we all use to travel from one world to another. Kyrion, the now defeated tyrant king, thought he was safe by having his soldiers come to our world just to destroy the portal but we saw them. We stopped them. The new ruler, Queen Unli, had the mirror restored. She saw us as heroes that helped her save her world. Her home. We were welcome to return and many in our small group promised they would. I did not because I am not one to make promises I could not keep.
 
I was dying. Never again would I walk the snow white sandy beaches of Illyria. Nor would I ever dance around the purple flame they burned in memory of their ancestors. I would miss the statues carved into the moss covered mountains. How the sky looked as if it were on fire when the sun was setting.
 
We had over come so much. The long fanged, black winged creatures from the Forest of the Witch.  They were hard to slay but not as hard as the Moe creature. What appeared to be a smiling four headed bear, was actually a monster with the ability to cause earthquakes by stomping on the ground. Though tall and heavy, it had speed. We almost didn’t survive our fight against it.
 
It was when we fought against Kyrion, that we lost one of our own. To say he was a sorcerer would be wrong. The power he had made him more like a god. Kyrion had power over the skies, the water and the earth. Creatures of the land and sea were under his spell and so they did his bidding. The six of us came together, using all of our power to kill him. Unfortunately, we lost Mita. She had used what was last of her energy and died in Niko’s arms after Kyrion's defeat. We buried her the top of the highest mountain so she would be touched by the sun first. She loved dancing in the sunlight.
 
As we started our descent, I saw the portal that would take us home. Why was I going home? I had no family of my own. These brave and wonderful people around me were as close family but was it a wise choice to live out my last days for them? Why go back to suffer in agony? To die slowly as my body rots from the inside out? I jumped up on the edge of our airship. When they asked what I was doing, I smiled. I felt at peace for I had lived a life of adventure. For decades, every day was an journey. From exploring a world where people had wings to a world without a sun. I never let life just happen. I ran out after it. Why not treat my death the same way?
 
“I love you all.” I told them. There was no reason to tell them why I was going to do what I was about to do. I had wrote a letter explaining my illness. It was in the drawer of my nightstand. They would see it when they packed away my room.
 
I ignored their protests and fell backwards off the airship into the green sea below.

 

 


Submitted: September 03, 2021

© Copyright 2022 bunni thompson. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Comments

G.P.Sharp

An interesting story. I really liked how much world building, lore, and background you were able to fit in such a short amount of words and time. And even though the story was told through a very introspective point of view, without much active action or events, the spread out details of the challenges they faced were just enough to allow me to imagine what those past events were like, leaving much of the interpretation of the past to the reader (this is especially benefited when you named some of the other characters, like Niko and Mita).
One thing though that made it a little difficult to enjoy the story was how disconnected the perspective of the main character was. It was very sentimental, yes, and we learned about her illness and her decision, but I felt like I never got to know the main character's actual personality. While that may not have been the point, especially with how this story was less focused on the characters themselves and more on the prose and world, it still may be difficult for many readers to connect and sympathize with a character without more personal opinions (we know the journey was difficult, and that she lost a friend along the way, so sadness is to be expected, particularly with the story's desired ending, but I feel a bit more insight into who she was beyond her hardship would make the ending have a more emotional impact on the reader).
I apologize if that opinion conflicts with your writing style/genre, I know not all stories need to have the same insight into a character's quirks. But I wish you luck in the contest! (Also, I really liked how your story is set after the classic adventure takes place, it gave it a very unique feel and shows just how knowledgeable you are about the fantasy genre).

Sat, September 4th, 2021 3:33am

Author
Reply

Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback. I don't normally write short stories and when I do, it's erotica. (I have a booksiesilk account for that.) So this is practice for me. I hope to write many more and improve my non erotic short form writing. I be sure to remember this feedback in my next short story!

Fri, September 3rd, 2021 8:38pm

DiyaSL

A beautiful fantasy tale Bunni! A great story. I love such fantasy tales related different worlds and gods. You have a great imaginary ability. Never thought the main character had such personality.
I suggest you to add more emotion into the story for a great explanation.
And, the war between the villain and you might be more interesting with a description about it. I think, you must have written it in a short way to control the word count.
And finally, there's a little error in a sentence in the first paragraph. 'She saw us a heroes.....' The 'a' should be changed to 'as'.
Overall, this is a wonderful story. I enjoyed it from the bottom of my heart. Good luck for the contest Bunni !
- Diya :)

Sat, September 4th, 2021 4:13am

Author
Reply

I need an editor bad. I'm the type of writer that rather write a story than edit and when I do edit I think I make it worse. hahaha! I fixed the typo.

I kinda like where this story was going, I might expand on it sometime in between stories.

Thank you for your feedback!

Tue, September 7th, 2021 2:50am

Lucas Barstow

You’ve given an interesting take on the prompt. Told a tale of things gone by and have built a history for the reader to see. Things like mention of Kyrion, the Moe and Queen Unli give room for much longer stories to be created which is good.
However this feels like the last chapter of a story, recounting an adventure and having a definitive end. I think we needed something more about one of the things they did or a bit more character building to make us care, the death of a key character is hard to do well.
Between lore building and good description such as “the sky looked as if it were on fire when the sun was setting” there’s a good world here but I think it needs expansion.
Good work though.

Sat, September 4th, 2021 10:21am

Author
Reply

Thank you for the feedback. I enjoyed this contest a bit so I'm thinking of expanding on it and making it a much longer story, maybe 4 to 7 chapters when I have some time in between stories. It definitely was more of a last chapter type of flow in hopes of making the reader curious about how it all came to be and desire to want to know the full story.

Thank you for your feedback!

Tue, September 7th, 2021 2:54am

Greythereadaholic

I always wonder what happens at the end of portal fantasies when the hero is expected to go back to normal life, and I love that you explored this aftermath. There's some great imagery in the worldbuilding paragraphs that give a glimpse at what the characters must have gone through and experienced. It does read like a book summary until the last three paragraphs, and this prevents an emotional connection with the protagonist and makes the end very abrupt. It does make me want a whole prequel of their adventures so...

Also, I'd just like to make the suggestion that maybe don't use a vague illness as the reason for suicide. As someone who's chronically ill, I know how difficult that topic is, and it needs to be written with care. If you want to keep the ending, maybe add more characterization earlier in the story such as the protagonist being proactive in life and wanting to be proactive with death because they don't want to die from a terminal illness a week (or some short life expectancy). Illness and disability representation in media is something I care about a lot because not many nondisabled people are aware of it, so I hope you find this informative.

Good luck in the contest!

Mon, September 6th, 2021 8:35pm

Author
Reply

I appreciate the first paragraph of your review but not so much the second as I do not appreciate the assumption that I do not understand chronic illness as I am someone is chronically ill. I have a tumor, GERDS, fibromyalgia and some more personal medical issues that I do not make known online. I'm married, I'm a mom and I have had times where I stopped writing because I was so ill. Not on booksie, (I just signed up for it) but on my booksiesilk account.

The character is based on me a little. I'm stubborn and have told my doctor quite a few times that I hate the restrictions put on me so I ignore them because when I do die, I don't want to have regrets on my death bed. I will die on my own terms. I hope you understand that it is never wise to make assumptions about people.

I do not care for people who put limits on others thinking they lack information on a subject, have the wrong skin color, background, disability, gender, sexual orientation, etc; to write or create. Writing is about EXPRESSION, not representation. I don't speak for or represent all chronically ill people and I don't want to. Nothing irritates me more than the "muh representation" argument. So many bad stories and awful shows and movies have been written for "muh representation". I have never cared about things like that. Now we got these new black and female characters supposedly created for people like me but are nothing but an insult so I ignore them. In case you didn't realize it, you have ticked me off. People are individuals. I am an individual and I owe no one my loyalty nor do I have to tell a story about dying a certain way that fits your views. Just because I have GERDS, for example, my suffering is not the same as another person with GERDS. Everyone's story is different.

I hope you find this informative and stop making assumptions and taking things personal because this isn't about you or the people you know. By the way, this was me being nice. When doing a review, it is best not to make personal attacks, and instead focus on the story, the details given and not given, grammar, story pace, consistency, etc;

Tue, September 7th, 2021 3:01am

Archia

That was very dramatic end. I really enjoyed hearing about their battles, it seemed very difficult and challenging, and sad that they had lost a friend which I think added well to the overall sadness. It seems like there is a lot of different and interesting aspects to this place, and I liked the ones that you mentioned and expanded upon like the Moe creature. It has a lot of different creative ideas in it.
It did seem like two separate at times. It was like there was a story about this fantasy world and the battles, but also another story about their own personal struggles. They seem a little separte from each other, and a connection could help weave them together as one story. I got very interested in this battle aginst Kyrion they had fought and won and I was really intrested to see more in that. Maybe she could be dying from a wound she got in the battle against Kyrion, or a disease she picked up somewhere in all these adventures. The end was very dramatic and emotional, though it did seem a little underdeveloped as it didn't give a lot of information about what they were suffering from. It could be a physical illness, a mental illness, something they got yesterday or something long-term but it's all unknown. I think a bit of extra characterisation in that could have helped it to be taken more seriously.
Your story definitely does give a sense of adventure though. If you ever did choose to write more to this, I think you would definitely create a very interesting and exciting world that would be full of adventure. This touches on a lot of elements of creativity and I really enjoyed seeing that in your story.

Sat, September 18th, 2021 12:03am

Author
Reply

Thank you!! Short stories are a challenge for me so I was really excited to give this a shot. I appreciate the feedback and will take it into consideration when I write another short story. This was really fun!

Wed, September 22nd, 2021 1:28pm

Facebook Comments

More Other Writing Contests

Boosted Content from Premium Members

Book / Science Fiction

Book / Fantasy

Short Story / Science Fiction

Book / Science Fiction

Other Content by bunni thompson