Table of Contents
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Recent Comments
I think this going to be a very interesting story. I'm excited to read more.
Thu, October 14th, 2021 5:53pm
Author
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Aww thank you so much and for your feedback:} It made me happy!
Thu, October 21st, 2021 2:46pm
I think the characters you give good character descriptions. I like how Alana and Eloise have such a good relationship. I like how Alana doesn't judge Eloise and tries her best to give her support. I hope the story behind Bianca gets further details. I also want to see more from the mysterious boy from the vampire community. I'm anxious to see how his character develops. I enjoy reading stories with hot guys who can tease and also protect the girl he loves. That's the type of feeling I get from his character. I also hope Eloise can make something of herself in the future with her fashion design skills, and not just get sucked into a world she doesn't want to be a part of.
Thu, October 14th, 2021 6:21pm
Author
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OMG! Thanks so much:} I'm glad you really liked the character foundation. I always felt like the characters make the story. You're basically inside their head, so you might as well enjoy their presence or it makes the story feel dull. Alana and Eloise friendship kind of relates to some of my friendships I've had through the years. Putting it together you get Alana and Eloise. Lol, same, putting hot and mysterious guy characters is something I like to put. Hard to come by in real life, so might as well write one jk. Poor Eloise, she's just a teenager, but she will be going through a lot by trying to navigate herself. As for Bianca, you would hear more from her soon. Anyways, thank you so much for your feedback, I'm glad this story caught your interest:}
Thu, October 21st, 2021 2:51pm
I found this chapter to be very interesting upon a first read. I made the mistake of not reading the prologue, so at times I felt a little lost. However, rereading it as well as the other chapters rectified that issue.
Your writing style is very narrative, which I like. You build good connections between your characters making the relationships easy to understand and relate to. You leave me wondering what is going to happen next, and what is missing from the puzzle? There is much to explore in this novel, and I can see it cannot be contained within one chapter.
The main character Eloise is interesting too. She definitely has a strong moral code that opens up many plot possibilities, such as when she is tempted to drink Marco’s blood. She still sees herself as a monster because of her urges and I would like to see her get over that hurdle.
Otherwise it’s a good opening piece. I know you said you had trouble writing the first chapters of stories, and believe me, you are not alone. The only thing I recommend is setting up more in the chapter intro to set the scene.
Author
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Oh thank you so much! The first chapter I always had the most trouble, you wouldn't believe how many chapter 1 rough drafts I wrote to even get to this one I felt happy with lol. I'm glad you enjoyed Eloise character, I always want to make sure the main character dosen't turn into a mary sue. I want to the reader to enjoy the main character, like someone they could relate to or feel like this character is enjoyable to read. My main thing is character building, so I'm glad the characters you enjoyed:) Yes, Eloise would be going through a lot of inner turmoil, and being a teenager is the least of her problems. Anyways, thanks so much for your feedback, which made me feel better when I wrote the first chapter.
Thu, October 21st, 2021 2:55pm
Reading through the comments here, I'm inclined to agree with the prevailing consensus as it relates to characterization. I think it's the strongest thing you have going for you with this particular piece.
I'm not sure how interested you are in constructive feedback, so I'll just note in brief that you could use some editing, and by that I don't simply mean proofreading. It's a cliche' at this point to say "show, don't tell" and that doesn't hold true in all instances by any means, but in this case I think your text could use it. A bit more mystery and intrigue.
I can go into greater detail if you'd like. If so shoot me a message.
In the mean time, any aspect of my opinion should probably be taken with a grain of salt since I've never been terribly interested in this genre. Anne Rice books seem interesting from afar--especially the whole notion of Cain being the first vampire as I love anything that mythological--but I have to admit never reading them. And this particular book you're writing reminds me of Twilight given the obvious similarities, and that's a series I always avoided since it just seemed silly to me, to be honest.
In the mean time--again--characterization. One character fumbling over words in the presence of a crush is definitely a well worn trope, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You execute it well enough in your dialog that it seems fairly believable and conveys conveniently enough some relational distinction between the characters.
Author
Reply
Thank you really much:} No, I always like any feedback, so please feel free to shoot me a message for what I could to make this story better. When you have the time of course, no hurry, but I do appreciate it. I always like hearing other people's opinion bc it helps me grow as a writer. I tend to pay attention what other writers say so that I can learn to make my writing stronger. I am really glad you like my characterization, which is a big thing for me. I feel like the character makes the story you know, you wouldn't really want to read a story if you find yourself bored with the characters thoughts. I am glad you gave this a chance, even though this genera is not your huge interest. Like Sci fi is not my huge genera, so sometimes I fumble with the right critique bc every genera is different. I know what you mean about twilight, I sort tried to stay away from that book, but vampires and romance always have similarities that you sometimes can't escape. I get what you mean with the show, don't tell, sometimes getting to the main point of my descriptions I struggle sometimes to shorten it. I try to mix up the trope a bit with the crush, also to make it relatable, because I remember as teenager I fumbled my words with my crush. Still at times, but not as bad like that lol. So I try to make it fun and relatable. Thank you really much for your feedback and giving this a read:}
Sun, November 14th, 2021 2:52pm
I really like your description of the sun in the opening paragraph. It really sets the scene. Secondly, your dialogue had a vivacious energy that I enjoyed. I definitely see great potential in your writing.
Sun, November 14th, 2021 6:54am
Author
Reply
Aw thank you so much, characterization is a big thing for me, so I'm glad you liked it. Thank you:}
Sun, November 14th, 2021 2:53pm
I left a few notes in the story like before. This was actually much better written than the prologue honestly. I still find some.of the dialogue really awkward but this time I do feel like it is more personal preference and I glaring writing mistakes. I feel.like Alana was the most well developed character, in that you did very well showing her personality traits versus actually just telling it to us outright like you did with Eloise and Hyun. I feel like the only real negative note I have for this is that when you attempt to develop characters and back story the story tend to stop and the narrator dumps.all of the information and it does not feel very natural or smooth it feels like your just telling what the character is like but we never see it. An example is Eloise being shy but she never seems shy, she's very feisty and well adjusted.
That being said I actually enjoy this story lmao it's fun to read and it is refreshing to actually read a story where characters are being developed instead of being completely ignored. I've been read an actual published book where the main character is blank as pure white paint.
I am still interested in this story and curious to see what happens.
Happy writing bud
Author
Reply
Aw thank you so much:) I wasn’t sure what you like to be called if I shorten your username. Are you fine with Rem, let me know, or if you prefer your full username. I am glad this progressed than my last prologue which seems like my writing grow. Yep, I’m slowly working on my dialogue, a lot of people reccomended to show not tell. Which is my biggest problem with writing. When it comes to third person, I took as a challenge, so I’m like in a whole new ballgame with third person writing lol. I’m really glad that you like Alana. She’s like a combination btw a good friend or mine and my quirks together. So writing her was easier. As for Eloise, I always feel like the Main character is hard to right. Like you want to get them right, but you don’t want to make them perfect. Omg yes, there have been some published books I read where the main character was like a blank piece. I am glad Eloise isn’t like that though, I’m still fitting in how to write her. But I’m slowly getting there, growing into my writing. I am glad you liked the characters I wrote so far, and this story is drawing you in. As an aspiring writer that’s a huge compliment so thank you so much. I’ll be updating more chapters soon. Finals and life been busy.
Sun, December 12th, 2021 12:52pm
Cool! Have a read of “I used to live alone” ????
Author
Reply
Thank you:) I’ll take a look at it soon
Fri, January 14th, 2022 9:33am
I admit it is a little odd reading this chapter after having read future chapters and knowing more about what's going on, but it was still really enjoyable to read. Things from the future chapter make sense now that I didn't know before. It's really nice to get a better understanding of the other characters and also how they all know each other and their friendships. It's great to see all the different characters coming through in this chapter and getting to know more about each of them, especially Alana. Her character is really developed strongly here.
There were some times when it was hard to place the scene because people kept turning up. Like after class when Eloise and Alanna were talking after class I thought it was only just the two of them however different people kept popping up.
The other small thing is just be mindful and staying in the same tense. I think for the most part you stick to past tense but every now and then there'll be a sentence in present tense.
That aside it's still a great chapter to read. The action is really good and you have a great sense of pace for the story. It spends just the right amount of time in each scene that the action moves along nicely and there's always something interesting going on or to look forward to. It's a really good balance and hard to do. You're doing great with your novel so keep at it.
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Ann Sepino
Sweet first chapter! And speaking of, Alana is such a sweet best friend for accepting Eloise's 'medical condition.' As for Theodore, I think raising any teenage daughter (half-vampire or not) can be daunting.
Tue, September 21st, 2021 2:29pmI prefer 'onesies' myself, since the right size, pattern and cut can actually enhance your figure. But more importantly, the suit doesn't matter as long as you're comfortable and confident wearing it. Confidence is sexier than skin in plenty of situations. ;)
Are Juleka and Bianca the same person, by the way? You did mention before that this was originally fanfic, so maybe that first one is supposed to be 'Bianca' as well. And I think I now know who the characters were originally supposed to be. The counterparts and Leo's eyes check out (not to mention his very cat-like name). ^w^
Author
Reply
Thank you so much, I was a bit nervous posting a first chapter, I find the first chapter the most difficult to write. I'm glad you like Alana, Yes she the go-to girl you would want as a bestie, I based my character of Alana from a little bit of me and my one good friend. Mixing us together you get Alana. I know poor Theodore, raising a hormonal teenage hybrid daughter, he's in for a long haul but he tries his best. I like to show Theodore flaws and good point as parenting. He wants to protect his daughter, but sometimes wanting to protect your child so much could lead to suffocation.
Wed, September 22nd, 2021 9:04amYay, I'm glad you like the bathing suit discussion. I was also trying to bring the subtle subject of body-shaming and insecurities. I prefer onesies too, everyone has a preference, bikknis or one piece, I always feel like what you should feel comfy with. I prefer one bathing suits too, cause sometimes when I wore a bikini I couldn't really swim as much.
Omg, thank you for pointing that out, so I guess you might have an idea what fanfic I based this on. It's a lot of work to put this into original, I have to really think about different names and different characters, names is a big thing. Sometimes, when I edit, I skip over it sometimes. Thanks for pointing that out. Yes Juleka is supposed to be Bianca. Yes Leo especially, he's a cute kitty lol. Thanks again, I deeply appreciate it:}