Chapter 1: Chapter one

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Review Chain

Reads: 769
Comments: 9

 

 

 

 

Chapter one

 

Eloise stared out the window, tapping her pencil on her desk, searching for the motivation to write notes for her Literature class. She pulled her long sleeves down a bit more, revealing her pale skin with some red rashes criss-crossing her arm. As discreetly as possible, she scratched her skin without her friend Alana Garcia next to her noticing. Eloise gasped sharply, forgetting how close she had been to the sun. It's glistening rays a danger to her skin.

 

Alana stopped her messy scrawl writing of notes to check on her friend, letting out a sad sigh of her ever reddening rash. Without a word, she lent Eloise one of her scarves, though it's still technically summer,  and still too warm for scarves. Ever since the two had become friends in the eighth grade, Alana had worn many scarves to support Eloise's condition, letting her know that they're in this together.

 

Alana gingerly tied her blue scarf around Eloise's arm, smiled at Eloise, and resumed her note-taking as if nothing out of the ordinary occurred. Eloise smiled back, thankful to have Alana as her best friend. Unfortunately, she had to wear long sleeves; to hide her rashes, a side effect of the medication she takes to remain human. Of course, Alana didn't know this. Eloise figured Alana suspected something. Her friend was always so inquisitive, yet respected her privacy.  The bella rang. Class had ended, their last class of the day. Both girls quickly packed their bags and left out, hoping to beat the rush out of the school building. 

 

"So, is there anything special you want to do for your birthday? I have the perfect present for you turning seventeen!" Alana exclaimed as they discussed plans for Eloise's birthday next weekend.

 

"Yeah man, I snatched the keys to the school's pool and we could all take a dip later tonight."

 

Alana and Eloise overheard Hyun whisper to his entourage in passing. Hyun is a senior jock in their high school; he's your typical star athlete in many sports, but the sport he shined brightly in was swimming. 

 

"A senior prank?" Alana asked, familiar with Hyun's past foolery.

 

"Or Anonther typical dumb one?" Eloise wasn't sure of their relationship other than Alana known him for awhile. She often wondered if there was something Alana handn't told her yet. 

 

"Yep, this will be one of the dumbest senior pranks I might ever pull! You guys could participate with us later tonight and it doesn't matter if your juniors. Besides, we could really use your mad photography skills." Hyun suggested kindly.

 

Eloise envied her human friend's normalcy. Alana had gotten to know a lot of people. Alana's position in the yearbook committe gave her access to everyone-freshman to seniors. Especially seniors. Taking their pictures for the Memory's section was an important task. She, on the other hand, was more reserved. Locked away in the Art Club and pouring over Fashion Design magazines and creating her own clothing sets was more her speed. She loved the process, and Marco. Dreamboat Marco, she sighed inwardly. He was the senior who often stopped by for help with costumes for himself and his band. Eloise groaned at herself, remembering how she often sounded like a complete bonehead around him. She gladly accepted every project he proposed. 
 

"I'm not sure, since we have to be partially nude or don't wear anything at all at the pool. I don't think Eloise should come, especially since she can't hide her condition." Grace, the queen bee of the school, said with fake concern.

 

"Believe me, I will be there. At least I don't have to worry about my plastic nose, unlike someone I know." Eloise retorted back, making Alana grin at her proudly. Sure, Eloise could come off as tongue-tied with her crush, but she's no pushover when she has dealt with bullies.

 

"Like Eloise said, Grace, she will be fine. It's going to be fun, El, we'll see you then!" Marco intervened brightly, making Eloise all flustered. Alana sighed at her hopeless friend before they said their goodbyes to the group.

 

Once they were far enough from their busy-body high school, Alana started to throw rants and suggestions about Eloise's love life. 

 

"Chica, I love you, but we need to work on your confidence to talk to your arm candy. He will be graduating this year, you need to make your move soon!" Eloise expected Alana's tirade, which she had heard before. 

 

"Anyways, are you sure you will be okay going to the pool?" Alana asked hesitantly, which caught Eloise's attention immediately.

 

"I'm sure, I made this one piece bathing suit I designed myself, which covers my entire body. The best part, it's totally fashionable and has stars on it!" Eloise beamed loudly, making Alana sigh playfully at Eloise's love for the stars.

 

"Alright, I'll be going with ya by wearing a one piece bathing suit too. Besides, bikinis aren't even comfortable. It's like having to wear a bra with more complicated straps, which can get so irritating!" They both laughed at Alana's exasperation before they said their goodbyes to each other.

 

Eloise took her usual route home, which took her through an alleyway to the back of her family's bakery. Right before she reached the door, she felt something breathing on her, and froze for a moment. She expected different vampires draped in heavy black cloaks. They tried to intimidate her with their eerily silence.

 

They were usually from her dad's old vampire community, with invitations to rejoin the elite vampire coven. Unfortunately, the invitations excluded her mother, a former huntress.

 

"Listen, your community will keep wasting paper by sending us invitations, you do know we're in the 21st century. Maybe this will be a good time for you guys to get out of the dark ages, using emails to send out faster. In fact, it will be easier for me to delete the invitation, which will finally let you guys get the memo that we ain't interested." Eloise wasn't sure where this anger had come from, but it felt exhilarating to let out her inner frustrations.

 

Eloise suddenly felt her breath hitch when a teenage boy appeared in front of her. The most peculiar green eyes stared into hers as he removed the blue scarf Alana had tied to her arm. He gingerly traced her itchy skin with his black gloved hand, not halting even a second by the ugly gaps of scars she had on her arm.

 

He smirked at her confused face, whispering in her ear as he placed an invitation in her opened hand.

 

"Babe, you're a pretty thing with so much fire. Someone as captivating as you would be great in our community. In fact, you have such a beautiful body that it's such a waste to hide, but if you join our community... you will never have to worry about those scars again." Before Eloise could blink, she felt a slight pressure on her cheek, and realized he kissed her! 

 

Eloise wanted to reprimand him, yet he disappeared in a blink of an eye. For a moment, Eloise thought she had imagined this encounter until she felt the invitation in her hand.

 

Eloise shook her head, opening the door and then closed it behind her. She wasn't sure what just happened, but decided to put the mysterious green-eyed boy behind her. She still couldn't believe that she let the guy get so close to her, and let him kiss her! At least it wasn't her neck. She thanked her lucky stars on that small miracle, since she couldn't even imagine any vampire trying to bite her.

 

"Everything okay, shooting star?" Theodore asked. Eloise realized she was now in the chilly basement.

 

"Yeah, something like that. This came for you by the way." Eloise handed her father the fancy letter.

 

He grunted as he took it.

 

"The delivery person didn't give you any trouble, did they?" Eloise's father asked her with a threat in his tone, which made Eloise smile at her father's endearing protectiveness.

 

Eloise could take care of herself, thanks to her mom's intense huntress training. Eloise knew most of the time she could take on a human, but a vampire was a totally different matter. Sometimes, Eloise wished her vampire side wasn't dormant, so that she could find out what she could do against one.

 

"Are you going to answer them? It might be good if you did, so we won't have any more unexpected visitors." Eloise commented, absent-mindedly scratching.


 

"I have some cream we could try for your itching, if you want it?" Theodore looked for a container of cream.

 

"No matter what, I will always have this dad, and the medicine prevents me from fully healing," Eloise admitted. She wished the medicine didn't have this side-effect.

 

"The medicine is for your protection, to make sure you can have a normal life as a human, which is a small price to pay for your freedom." Eloise harshly grabbed the creamer from him, but her expression darkened at her father's words.

 

"Freedom... I'm not free at all, I'm not even allowed to make my own choices." Eloise spat passionately before stomping up the stairs.

 

Theodore sighed, but he knew it was for the best to protect her from the community. Theodore had seen many things, but raising a hybrid teenage daughter probably took the cake. He opened the letter and wondered what King Henry from Hell threatened him with this time. The first page made it clear: after all these years, Theodore had received an official summons to the Anderson manor, one he could not ignore.

 

XOX

 

It's nighttime in New York City, when the school building was lifeless, but tonight was lively with the laughter of teenagers.

 

"You know what's ironic, we're so desperate to get out of here, but we're breaking into the school," Hyun observed wryly while he worked on breaking the chains on the gym doors.

 

Everyone laughed, including Eloise who held in her snort of laughter. She sighed dreamily at Marco, marveling how he looked so cool under the pale moonlight. 

 

‘Oh, good lord, I've just turned into such a dreamy sap again.’ She thought with a sigh.

 

"Damn things, why is it harder breaking into the pool room, then it is at the school. Who even put these damn chains, I don't even remember these chains when I stayed out late after practice, I can't believe the school thinks someone will break in here." Hyun said loudly, making everyone worry about getting in.

 

Eloise held in her sigh, deciding that Hyun torturing himself to the open doors is going far enough. Eloise pushed herself further into the crowd, then stood next to Hyun, making everyone look at her in bewilderment.

 

"Here, let me try," Eloise suggested with a smile while Hyun had his hands up in mock surrender.

 

"Eloise, that's very cute, but don't be so ridiculous-" Eloise cuts off Grace's snide remark when Eloise broke the chains with a huge kick of her foot.

 

Everyone stared at Eloise in astonishment, except for Alana who has witnessed Eloise's excessive strength at times.

 

"Damn Eloise, why didn't you tell us you were such a badass. You should join the soccer team, cause you got such a kicker foot!" Hyun bellowed loudly, making most people agree heartily on this admission.

 

Eloise shrugged her shoulders shyly, trying to avoid Marco's gaze full of admiration for her.

 

"I didn't really do much, you kind of made it easy for me, Hyun." Eloise played it off with a laugh, trying to hide her quick tiredness from overdoing her strength.

 

The other downside of the medication, which made her repressed quickly by using too much supernatural strength.

 

Luckily, Hyun boomed with laughter like she expected, making everyone divert their attention away from her.

 

They walked into the pool hallway, making Eloise inhale the stale chlorine, and she heard most of the boys laughing obnoxiously before they jumped into the water.

 

"Oh, boys!" Alana called out, even though some of them weren't paying her any attention. Alana found this more enjoyable anyways as she took pictures of the boys acting silly in the water.

 

"Those are definitely keepers," Eloise piqued to Alana with a smirk. They sat themselves down before taking off their long shirts that cover their bathing suits.

 

"Oh my gosh, are you wearing a one piece, Eloise? That's so adorable on you, but bikinis are my own taste, since I like to show off my skin," Grace said with fake sweetness.

 

"Where did you get that one piece Eloise, it's totally chic!" Jenny prevented Grace from more rude comments.

 

The one piece bathing suit looked like a stylish jumpsuit, with bright red and blue stars dotted all over the black bathing suit, and snuggled her body perfectly with her curves.

 

Alana had her arm around Eloise proudly, making Alana look like a proud parent. "You like? Eloise made it all by herself, which turned out great as you can see!" Eloise blushed at Alana's praise.

 

"It wasn't too hard, you just take time and creativity and anyone can make one!" Eloise downplayed shyly, but Jenny shook her head.

 

"Eloise, don't sell yourself short. If you can, would you mind making me one, since I kind of want to spice things up with me and Hyun private swim lessons." Jenny whispered impishly, making Alana and Eloise both cackle with laughter.

 

"I'm sure I can make something for ya, which will blow his mind," Eloise answered with another laugh, trying to think of a suggestive design.

 

"Oh yeah, Jenny. I'm sure whatever Eloise comes up with for you to wear, you will probably be giving him the greatest mental blowjob of the young guy's life."

 

Eloise smacked at Alana in the back of her head, even though they're both dying of laughter by now. Honestly, Eloise wondered sometimes if Alana ever had a filter.

 

"What are you girls laughing over there, come in for a dip, the water is great!" Hyun yelled over, making Alana and Eloise and now Jenny bellow with laughter.

 

Jenny dived in. The rest of the senior girls followed, even snobby Grace. Alana and Eloise grinned at each other as they jumped into the water together. Eloise came up for air to face a pair of brown eyes.

 

"Hey, Marco, I see you. Get it, with the sea and the sea being homophones, then adding the pun to make the joke!" Eloise rambled suddenly, making her want to sink herself back in the water with heavy embarrassment.

 

Thankfully, Marco found the lame joke funny and laughed.

"You're funny, Eloise.  You said that you can see me, so I'm sure you can see this!" Marco retorted back by splashing water on her, which ended with a splash fight, punctuated with laughter.

 

They goofed off with each other for a half an hour, until someone asked if anyone wanted to volunteer to get snacks and drinks from the vending machines. Marco volunteered, then asked Eloise if she would join him. Eloise nodded as they both got out of the water to dry off. Eloise saw Alana giving her a subtle wink. Eloise tried to ignore without blushing. They collected money and left.

 

"We probably won't need their money, if you kick the machines and goodies come out." Marco commented teasingly, trying to fill the silence between them.

 

"Yeah, maybe I could do it again, but my clumsy feet have a mind of their own, so we probably shouldn't hold our breaths." Eloise responded in quiet words. She felt her heart beating quicker. Its pace quickened even more when she noticed the blush on Marco's cheeks.

 

"Hey Eloise, I was wondering if you're busy next Friday? My band and I have a gig at this famous club, if you want to come. You can bring Alana too, since you'll have someone with you while I'm performing on stage." Marco asked her as he played with his short black hair.

 

Eloise wanted to squeal loudly, since it sounded like he might be indirectly asking her out.

 

"I love it, I mean I would love to go! My birthday is next Saturday, so I don't have any plans for next Friday night. Not like I'm saying I'm always free on Fridays, just that I'm free on that particular one." Eloise stopped when Marco let out a chuckle, making her wish she could have instant duct tape to zip her rambling lips.

 

"It's your birthday soon and you're turning seventeen. In fact, Bianca would have been seventeen by now," Marco stopped suddenly by opening up the big elephant in the room.

 

Marco had a younger sister Bianca, but Bianca went missing when Eloise and Bianca started their winter term of middle school. In fact, that's how Alana and Eloise started their friendship by trying to find Bianca. Of course, no one had ever found the body of Bianca, and Eloise suspected that a vampire took Bianca. Eloise recalled begging her father desperately to go and ask the community of vampires for help. Nonetheless, her father said he couldn't go to the community without crossing a line. Later on, Theodore did search more of the dangerous streets for Bianca, and advised Eloise how some vampires could be deranged if they took a poor fourteen year old girl with no chance.

 

Nevertheless, Marco saw Eloise only as his little sister's friend, a fact that became more painful with Bianca gone. She had hoped his offer of a date at the club could diminish this awkwardness between them. Eloise sensed the awkwardness between them in present time, and knew she had to do something. She kicked hard on the vending machine, which brought out a bunch of snacks. She picked up all of the snacks, grinned at Marco like a loon, and made his frown turn upside down.

 

"Well, it looks like my clumsy feet decided to be accommodating for once," Eloise stated with a giggle, making Marco chuckle at her before he helped her carry the snacks.

 

"You really follow your own drumbeat, don't you, El?" Marco questioned with a ghost of a smile, but before could reply they heard something loud in the pool area.

 

They quickly returned to the pool area, only to drop the snacks when someone mentioned a pair of security guards on their way. Everyone quickly grabbed their stuff. Eloise frantically looked for Alana, but Jenny said Alana went to the bathroom. As they were about to leave, Eloise saw a flashlight. Hyun the idiot decided to hide back in the water. Jenny stayed behind to get her boyfriend while Eloise and Marco sneaked out.

 

"Marco, are you... ?" Eloise froze when she inhaled the most intoxicating scent, which made her heart sing with absolute pleasure. Without realizing how her hand rested against his foot, covered with blood. Eloise began to put the sweet blood on her hand towards her lips.

 

"Oh my gosh, are you guys okay?!" Alana asked breathlessly. This snapped Eloise out of her daze.

 

Eloise couldn't believe it, she quickly moved away from Marco's body, feeling thankful that Marco is too sore to notice her off-putting behavior. Eloise almost drank Marco's blood, letting her damn morals fly out of her head, and the medicine only made her feel like a human. Eloise promised herself that if her vampire side took over, she would never want to drink from people that's precious to her.

 

She's a monster.

 

"Eloise, are you okay?" Alana asked. She had never seen Eloise this distressed before.

 

"He hurt his foot, Alana. I got to go, so much blood, too much blood!" Before Alana could calm her friend down, Eloise left in a flash, leaving Alana and Marco confused.







 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Submitted: September 12, 2021

© Copyright 2022 FromBlackToViloet. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Ann Sepino

Sweet first chapter! And speaking of, Alana is such a sweet best friend for accepting Eloise's 'medical condition.' As for Theodore, I think raising any teenage daughter (half-vampire or not) can be daunting.

I prefer 'onesies' myself, since the right size, pattern and cut can actually enhance your figure. But more importantly, the suit doesn't matter as long as you're comfortable and confident wearing it. Confidence is sexier than skin in plenty of situations. ;)

Are Juleka and Bianca the same person, by the way? You did mention before that this was originally fanfic, so maybe that first one is supposed to be 'Bianca' as well. And I think I now know who the characters were originally supposed to be. The counterparts and Leo's eyes check out (not to mention his very cat-like name). ^w^

Tue, September 21st, 2021 2:29pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much, I was a bit nervous posting a first chapter, I find the first chapter the most difficult to write. I'm glad you like Alana, Yes she the go-to girl you would want as a bestie, I based my character of Alana from a little bit of me and my one good friend. Mixing us together you get Alana. I know poor Theodore, raising a hormonal teenage hybrid daughter, he's in for a long haul but he tries his best. I like to show Theodore flaws and good point as parenting. He wants to protect his daughter, but sometimes wanting to protect your child so much could lead to suffocation.

Yay, I'm glad you like the bathing suit discussion. I was also trying to bring the subtle subject of body-shaming and insecurities. I prefer onesies too, everyone has a preference, bikknis or one piece, I always feel like what you should feel comfy with. I prefer one bathing suits too, cause sometimes when I wore a bikini I couldn't really swim as much.

Omg, thank you for pointing that out, so I guess you might have an idea what fanfic I based this on. It's a lot of work to put this into original, I have to really think about different names and different characters, names is a big thing. Sometimes, when I edit, I skip over it sometimes. Thanks for pointing that out. Yes Juleka is supposed to be Bianca. Yes Leo especially, he's a cute kitty lol. Thanks again, I deeply appreciate it:}

Wed, September 22nd, 2021 9:04am

Raven Rayne

I think this going to be a very interesting story. I'm excited to read more.

Thu, October 14th, 2021 5:53pm

Author
Reply

Aww thank you so much and for your feedback:} It made me happy!

Thu, October 21st, 2021 2:46pm

Raven Rayne

I think the characters you give good character descriptions. I like how Alana and Eloise have such a good relationship. I like how Alana doesn't judge Eloise and tries her best to give her support. I hope the story behind Bianca gets further details. I also want to see more from the mysterious boy from the vampire community. I'm anxious to see how his character develops. I enjoy reading stories with hot guys who can tease and also protect the girl he loves. That's the type of feeling I get from his character. I also hope Eloise can make something of herself in the future with her fashion design skills, and not just get sucked into a world she doesn't want to be a part of.

Thu, October 14th, 2021 6:21pm

Author
Reply

OMG! Thanks so much:} I'm glad you really liked the character foundation. I always felt like the characters make the story. You're basically inside their head, so you might as well enjoy their presence or it makes the story feel dull. Alana and Eloise friendship kind of relates to some of my friendships I've had through the years. Putting it together you get Alana and Eloise. Lol, same, putting hot and mysterious guy characters is something I like to put. Hard to come by in real life, so might as well write one jk. Poor Eloise, she's just a teenager, but she will be going through a lot by trying to navigate herself. As for Bianca, you would hear more from her soon. Anyways, thank you so much for your feedback, I'm glad this story caught your interest:}

Thu, October 21st, 2021 2:51pm

Jon Nathaniel

I found this chapter to be very interesting upon a first read. I made the mistake of not reading the prologue, so at times I felt a little lost. However, rereading it as well as the other chapters rectified that issue.
Your writing style is very narrative, which I like. You build good connections between your characters making the relationships easy to understand and relate to. You leave me wondering what is going to happen next, and what is missing from the puzzle? There is much to explore in this novel, and I can see it cannot be contained within one chapter.
The main character Eloise is interesting too. She definitely has a strong moral code that opens up many plot possibilities, such as when she is tempted to drink Marco’s blood. She still sees herself as a monster because of her urges and I would like to see her get over that hurdle.
Otherwise it’s a good opening piece. I know you said you had trouble writing the first chapters of stories, and believe me, you are not alone. The only thing I recommend is setting up more in the chapter intro to set the scene.

Wed, October 20th, 2021 4:50pm

Author
Reply

Oh thank you so much! The first chapter I always had the most trouble, you wouldn't believe how many chapter 1 rough drafts I wrote to even get to this one I felt happy with lol. I'm glad you enjoyed Eloise character, I always want to make sure the main character dosen't turn into a mary sue. I want to the reader to enjoy the main character, like someone they could relate to or feel like this character is enjoyable to read. My main thing is character building, so I'm glad the characters you enjoyed:) Yes, Eloise would be going through a lot of inner turmoil, and being a teenager is the least of her problems. Anyways, thanks so much for your feedback, which made me feel better when I wrote the first chapter.

Thu, October 21st, 2021 2:55pm

Jonathan E. Lee

Reading through the comments here, I'm inclined to agree with the prevailing consensus as it relates to characterization. I think it's the strongest thing you have going for you with this particular piece.

I'm not sure how interested you are in constructive feedback, so I'll just note in brief that you could use some editing, and by that I don't simply mean proofreading. It's a cliche' at this point to say "show, don't tell" and that doesn't hold true in all instances by any means, but in this case I think your text could use it. A bit more mystery and intrigue.

I can go into greater detail if you'd like. If so shoot me a message.

In the mean time, any aspect of my opinion should probably be taken with a grain of salt since I've never been terribly interested in this genre. Anne Rice books seem interesting from afar--especially the whole notion of Cain being the first vampire as I love anything that mythological--but I have to admit never reading them. And this particular book you're writing reminds me of Twilight given the obvious similarities, and that's a series I always avoided since it just seemed silly to me, to be honest.

In the mean time--again--characterization. One character fumbling over words in the presence of a crush is definitely a well worn trope, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You execute it well enough in your dialog that it seems fairly believable and conveys conveniently enough some relational distinction between the characters.

Sat, November 13th, 2021 7:40am

Author
Reply

Thank you really much:} No, I always like any feedback, so please feel free to shoot me a message for what I could to make this story better. When you have the time of course, no hurry, but I do appreciate it. I always like hearing other people's opinion bc it helps me grow as a writer. I tend to pay attention what other writers say so that I can learn to make my writing stronger. I am really glad you like my characterization, which is a big thing for me. I feel like the character makes the story you know, you wouldn't really want to read a story if you find yourself bored with the characters thoughts. I am glad you gave this a chance, even though this genera is not your huge interest. Like Sci fi is not my huge genera, so sometimes I fumble with the right critique bc every genera is different. I know what you mean about twilight, I sort tried to stay away from that book, but vampires and romance always have similarities that you sometimes can't escape. I get what you mean with the show, don't tell, sometimes getting to the main point of my descriptions I struggle sometimes to shorten it. I try to mix up the trope a bit with the crush, also to make it relatable, because I remember as teenager I fumbled my words with my crush. Still at times, but not as bad like that lol. So I try to make it fun and relatable. Thank you really much for your feedback and giving this a read:}

Sun, November 14th, 2021 2:52pm

JL reaper

I really like your description of the sun in the opening paragraph. It really sets the scene. Secondly, your dialogue had a vivacious energy that I enjoyed. I definitely see great potential in your writing.

Sun, November 14th, 2021 6:54am

Author
Reply

Aw thank you so much, characterization is a big thing for me, so I'm glad you liked it. Thank you:}

Sun, November 14th, 2021 2:53pm

Thoughts Before Rem

I left a few notes in the story like before. This was actually much better written than the prologue honestly. I still find some.of the dialogue really awkward but this time I do feel like it is more personal preference and I glaring writing mistakes. I feel.like Alana was the most well developed character, in that you did very well showing her personality traits versus actually just telling it to us outright like you did with Eloise and Hyun. I feel like the only real negative note I have for this is that when you attempt to develop characters and back story the story tend to stop and the narrator dumps.all of the information and it does not feel very natural or smooth it feels like your just telling what the character is like but we never see it. An example is Eloise being shy but she never seems shy, she's very feisty and well adjusted.
That being said I actually enjoy this story lmao it's fun to read and it is refreshing to actually read a story where characters are being developed instead of being completely ignored. I've been read an actual published book where the main character is blank as pure white paint.
I am still interested in this story and curious to see what happens.
Happy writing bud

Sat, November 27th, 2021 5:06am

Author
Reply

Aw thank you so much:) I wasn’t sure what you like to be called if I shorten your username. Are you fine with Rem, let me know, or if you prefer your full username. I am glad this progressed than my last prologue which seems like my writing grow. Yep, I’m slowly working on my dialogue, a lot of people reccomended to show not tell. Which is my biggest problem with writing. When it comes to third person, I took as a challenge, so I’m like in a whole new ballgame with third person writing lol. I’m really glad that you like Alana. She’s like a combination btw a good friend or mine and my quirks together. So writing her was easier. As for Eloise, I always feel like the Main character is hard to right. Like you want to get them right, but you don’t want to make them perfect. Omg yes, there have been some published books I read where the main character was like a blank piece. I am glad Eloise isn’t like that though, I’m still fitting in how to write her. But I’m slowly getting there, growing into my writing. I am glad you liked the characters I wrote so far, and this story is drawing you in. As an aspiring writer that’s a huge compliment so thank you so much. I’ll be updating more chapters soon. Finals and life been busy.

Sun, December 12th, 2021 12:52pm

Tanw6

Cool! Have a read of “I used to live alone” ????

Sun, January 2nd, 2022 1:59pm

Author
Reply

Thank you:) I’ll take a look at it soon

Fri, January 14th, 2022 9:33am

Archia

I admit it is a little odd reading this chapter after having read future chapters and knowing more about what's going on, but it was still really enjoyable to read. Things from the future chapter make sense now that I didn't know before. It's really nice to get a better understanding of the other characters and also how they all know each other and their friendships. It's great to see all the different characters coming through in this chapter and getting to know more about each of them, especially Alana. Her character is really developed strongly here.
There were some times when it was hard to place the scene because people kept turning up. Like after class when Eloise and Alanna were talking after class I thought it was only just the two of them however different people kept popping up.
The other small thing is just be mindful and staying in the same tense. I think for the most part you stick to past tense but every now and then there'll be a sentence in present tense.
That aside it's still a great chapter to read. The action is really good and you have a great sense of pace for the story. It spends just the right amount of time in each scene that the action moves along nicely and there's always something interesting going on or to look forward to. It's a really good balance and hard to do. You're doing great with your novel so keep at it.

Sat, March 26th, 2022 6:02am

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