My Best Friend Bert - #32

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Bert is up a tree without a, well, you know, he's stuck.

My best friend Bert and I have come to a mutual decision regarding Betty's Burgers and Beer. Due to unforeseen advances in our individual weights we have decided to reduce the number of visits to our favorite burger palace.

While it is true that we began going to Betty's place soon after we both retired, and it is also true that three times a week was the normal, way back then, but we gradually lowered that number to twice a week after our wives began complaining.

During the Covid Masking Months the number of Take-Out Visits was cut in half, well, most of the time, but soon began to rise as businesses began returning to normal operations. And that is when the notches in our belts began to change positions; something drastic had to be done.

So, after several heated but constructive debates, over burgers and beers of course, we settled on numbers. There would be no Betty's visits that would exceed twice in any given calender month. And furthermore, the two visits would fall within the first and third weeks of any given month, unless mutually agreed to by both parties, or objections from either spouse.

Then we sealed the deal with battles clinking and a Jumbo Bag of Garlic infused Union Rings.


Well, it is the 28th of the month and both burger days have been used, so I was surprised to hear from Bert. He called me from his cell-phone and said, "Jump in your truck and get right over here, I got a problem! Oh, and don't bother the Misses, use the driveway and come to my backyard. I'll explain when you get here." --- Then Bert hung up.

Bert isn't a drama queen unless it has to do with sports, so I did just as I was asked and I was at his driveway in minutes.

Bert's wife was out front and she was watering her rose bushes when I got out of my truck. She smiled as I approached and said, "Bert's in the back yard trying to trim trees, go on back."

"Trimming tree," I wondered, "He has a hard time trimming grass let alone trees. No wonder he called me."

As I entered the back yard, via the opened gate, I saw Bert with one foot on his grandfather's wooden ladder, Bert never throws away anything if it still works, and he had his other foot wedged between the first fork in the tree's trunk.

"Hay Bert," I said as I approached.

Bert looked at me with that, "I'm in a Pickle" look, and then said, "Hay my ass, help me!

With that much stress in Bert's voice I figured he had a real problem and that I'd better have a closer look. And sure enough, as soon as I saw where his right foot was, I saw the problem right away. There was an old stub of a branch that had probably broken off during one of our local "Wind Events", that is what the Weather Lady calls them on the evening news. Anyway, the branch had broken off about a foot from the main trunk and when it broke it splintered. So when Bert put his foot nearby, the cuff of his pant-leg was snagged by the splintered stub of the branch. Bert couldn't see the branch from that angle so the more he tried to get loose, the more snagged his pants became. And with one of Bert's legs on the ladder, and the other on the tree trunk, he was in danger of the ladder toppling over.

"You seem to have a situation," I stated as I smiled up at him.

"This is no time for your humorless humor, " Bert snapped back, "get up here and get me loose!"

I slyly replied, "Oh I don't know, I just took a shower and I have clean cloths on, so I don't think climbing trees would be a good idea. Maybe I should go get your wife to come back here and then she could help you, she has her gardening clothes on."

"Very funny," Bert said. Then he shifted his position a little, while saying, "So it's gonna be pay-back time for the Tire Changing Incident. Is that what you're saying?"

I chuckled just a little, then replied, "Why whatever do you mean?"

Bert snapped back, "Cut the Bull, what is it gonna take for my freedom without the wife hearing anything about this little fiasco?"

I smiled and replied, "The first of the month is only three days away and it would be a kind gesture on your part if you were to agree to buy our lunch on Friday. What do you say?"

Bert shifted his weight again, and I could tell that he was not comfortable in that position.

Then, without missing a lick, Bert said, "So the deal is, You'll get me loose and you'll help me finish trimming this tree; plus, not a word to my wife about what happened back here. Right?"

I protested by saying, "I never said anything about trimming trees! I'll get you down and I'll keep my mouth shut to your wife, but trimming trees wasn't part of this bargain."

"Bert was getting angry, I could tell because he replied by saying, "Dad-Burn-It, if you're not gonna help me trim the trees, then no deal, I just rip my pant-leg and be done with!"

Well I was just about to agree to his provisions when I heard a voice from under another tree. It was Bert's wife and she was looking at Bert with "THAT LOOK", you know the one I mean.

Then she said, "You'll do no pants ripping today, MY DEAR HUBBY! Those are the last pair of yard pants you own and I'm not about to go cloths shopping this close to Christmas."

Well I gotta tell you, I've heard Bert's wife use the, "MY DEAR HUBBY", routine before and it is something akin to when you were a kid and someone's mother would call them using all of your names. You know, like, Janie John Doe, you get your butt in this house. Well, you get the picture.

Anyway, the next thing I knew, Bert's wife was barking orders and we were doing whatever she said in a hurry. In the sight of two hours we had freed Bert from his tree trap, trimmed the oak tree he was stuck in, trimmed two other trees and a row of box-leaf bushes, and that is when my wife arrived.

By the time noon rolled around we were done with our assigned chores. Then we two Guys cleaned ourselves up because we were given permission to take our wives to lunch.

Bert and I insisted on Betty's Burgers and Beer, but the wives reminded us that we had reached an agreement not to go there more than twice in any calender month, and because we had used up our twice a month quota, it was Barneys Bar-B-Que Barn or nothing. --- Oh Darn, I guess we'll survive.


D. Thurmond / JEF


Submitted: September 28, 2021

© Copyright 2021 D. Thurmond aka JEF. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:


Ann Sepino

The description made me grin, because it gave me an idea of where this story would go. I was mostly right, lol. Their wives remind me so much of the grannies and grand-aunts in our family. It was the greatest sin to disobey or talk back to them. Love this tale and the way you wrote it!

Sun, October 3rd, 2021 4:04am


Ah Ann, what a nice reply. --- In my family it was whatever Granny said, went. I could fuss and complain when my Mother wanted something done, but she usually got her way, anyway :)

Sun, October 3rd, 2021 5:47pm

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