What Causes Anxiety

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


Ever noticed how people get when you open up to them about your feelings and about your anxiety? At that moment, you are hoping that they will hear your silent cries for help and pull you back from the end of your rope. They do not.

They offer to help you, and you accept it because you know that you need it. You believe at that moment that talking will put things in perspective or save you from yourself. 

So you sit there explaining what is going on with you and, they listen or at least pretend to because they do nothing; they say nothing and leave you hanging dry, regretting ever laying your cards on the table. Regretting that you stripped yourself bare for them because now you are left feeling vulnerable to the inevitable consequence of the choice you made. 

We are always free to choose, but we are not free from the consequence of our choices. Like a thief in the night, it creeps up on you when you least expect it. That power you gave so freely and so willingly; that power that allows their actions to affect you, and affect you they shall. It stings, and it sticks…

There you are, later on, entangled in different emotions that spiral into anxiety, and you spend your nights overthinking and beating yourself up for trusting again. You should have known better!

You are over there down-talking yourself because why the hell did you think you could rely on someone else in the first place? Kicking yourself because you sought help from people that have no interest whatsoever in helping you. 

You climb back in that dark shell you had hoped would crack open and let the light shine in. You have nothing to be optimistic about because you have trampled over the last bit of self-esteem you had left. 

You know that you have successfully opened up a door to judgement and all kinds of unspoken ridicule. They will judge you by your darkness and reduce you to your anxious depressive episodes and never by your good traits. 

Now, you spend your days trying to be noticed but, nobody sees you; nobody knows your worth or even appreciates your existence. Nobody sees beyond your pretentious smile or understands your silence. In a world so full of people, you still feel alone. You are invisible, and everyone looks past you because nothing you do means anything, and people with their actions and connotations show you how insignificant you are and how you have already faded into oblivion.

Personally, I hate it when people just pretend to care and paint pictures they would never sell and continue to toy with your emotions when you are really in need of some support. 

It takes a lot of courage to open up to another person about the demons you face and fight daily. For them to just discard you and your feelings simply show what little interest they had in you in the first place. 

What causes anxiety is people who make you doubt yourself, and make you question, analyze and dissect every possible aspect of a situation to prove to yourself that you are not crazy. In fact, that is the exact recipe for insanity right there. 

I ask myself, who am I enough for as my anxiety forms a dark cloud over my head and the impending storm will be the end of me.

All of my confidence, self-esteem, self-love, and self-preservation is left bundled up in a big bag of hopelessness.

What causes my anxiety; is all the pressures and challenges I face being a single parent; the existing questions in my head I do not have answers for. 

A deep desire to do what I need to do, but I constantly have to contend with multiple voices of self-doubt in my head and a lack of inspiration to get started.

Waking up every morning and dealing with people who have no morals or standards, no ethics, no shame, no truth and conscience in them. How do I overlook those values of life?

What causes my anxiety; is peoples unfailing expectation of me to be a certain way and having to remember the ideal state they wish to deal with me in. I am not built that way, and all that makes my head a topsy-turvy place to live in. 

I feel like I am losing my mind because my brain never shuts down yet; I have no idea where I am headed when all I see is this doom approaching and, there is no hiding place, no escape. 

I feel myself slip away, and I want to let go, but I know I will not because I have children with a lot of optimism and look to me to be stronger than this and provide them with that safe haven.

Mental illness is not something new in the world, and it isn’t something to be ashamed of. I need to stop expecting that people will someday understand my daily struggles, and I need to look to a higher power to help me find a better way of dealing and learn how to heal myself and accept that my challenges are mine alone. 


Submitted: September 30, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Rahdigga. All rights reserved.

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Comments

olive tree

Lucid insight into the negative thought patterns that come with the anxious and depressive states of mind. Well-written and relatable on many levels. Poses good questions.

It’s impossible to overlook certain things, and most days I can’t see the sun either, but some days I can, and that makes the suffering worthwhile. The human experience. Just shows you haven’t sold your soul, accept responsibility for yourself, are on the right path, and are capable of change. Many people never find their voice, and give up on themselves.

In saying all that I have trouble taking my own advice so I don’t know how sincere this is, but I tried.

Nice piece.

Thu, September 30th, 2021 4:31pm

Author
Reply

Thank you very much. Really appreciate your input.

Thu, September 30th, 2021 1:35pm

LE. Berry

I have found that writing, or any type of artistic expression, can be a big escape valve when dealing with mental strain. A piece that resonates Rahdigga.

Fri, October 1st, 2021 8:23pm

Author
Reply

Very true, can't think of any other way to do that but by putting down my thoughts on paper.
Thank you very much for your support

Sat, October 2nd, 2021 12:53am

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