Accidental Murder

Short Story by: martijo2

Reads: 649 | Likes: 3 | Shelves: 1 | Comments: 4

A quick little microfiction written for my creative writing class. I've never written such a short (350 words or less) story.

Allison backed up slowly until she reached the corner of the room where she limply slid to the floor. Her hands pressed against her face and then on her knees. It couldn’t be true. She must have misunderstood what she was seeing. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to raise her head and take another look. It was still there. It was true. Her husband lay dead before her.

Death was obvious due to the pallor of his skin, so pale. There was a horrific gash across his throat, and there was a large pool of blood surrounding him. A butcher knife lay in the blood. How could this have happened? She allowed the entire scene to replay in her head.

They had argued just like they did a million times before and like many times before he had hit her. This time, however, it had been bad with a capital B. She had been making dinner, cutting meat for stew when he slammed her head into the counter. Instinctively, she fought back. Only this time she had the butcher knife in her hand and without conscious thought, whipped it across his neck.

He had gasped and grabbed his throat as he backed up and stared at her. Allison hadn’t been sure what to do really. But she dropped the knife and grabbed a kitchen towel as he fell to the floor. She had applied pressure with both hands and prayed that he’d be all right. She was still holding the towel when he took his last breath. She hadn’t intended to kill him. She had only wanted him to stop.

Standing, she reached in her back pocket and drew out her cell phone, dialing 911.

“911 What’s your emergency?”

“This is Allison Hacket, 2348 Waters Street. I need police and an ambulance. I just killed my husband.” Hanging up the phone, she moved to the front door, opened it, and sat on the steps waiting for the officers that would arrest her.

Submitted: October 10, 2021

Mystery and Crime murder micro-fiction short-story

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Jonathan E. Lee

As simple as this one is, it's a lot more cohesive and unified than the other bit of writing on which I commented earlier. The last sentence of your first paragraph is suitably shocking. And it leads the reader to ask "How did this happen?" And you, in turn, answer that question.

The only suggestion I might offer (assuming you're interested in suggestions at all--if not feel free to ignore) is that your last sentence could be a bit more compelling, mysterious, or otherwise interesting. "Waiting for the officers that would arrest her" is a little bland and matter-of-fact for a final note to the story.

What if it were something more like "...and sat on the steps. There she breathed out a sigh and listened to the sound of distant sirens in an otherwise still night. A moment of a peace in a strangely tranquil evening. For now."

Something like that, I don't know. I was going for a final bit of irony there since it's clear by implication that such peace is not going to last. The distant sirens forebode how her life is going to soon change radically.

Anyhow, in the mean time, I like the premise here. And I think you executed it fairly well. It's a very short--but complete--story.

Fri, October 22nd, 2021 8:46am

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I actually love your ending. I think you're right, mine is a little dull.

Fri, October 22nd, 2021 2:57am

Ann Sepino

I'm back, lol. Sorry I couldn't get to this one immediately after the Horror story. The site glitched out on me again. Anyway, Mr. Lee already added a great explanation about establishing finality and ending a story with a bang.

Another way to do this would be to simply end on, "I just killed my husband." It's a direct response to the previous question of "How could this have happened?" and it's jarring, which reflects the grisly nature of an actual murder.

Otherwise, it's a good read. I love the graphic description of the killing itself. No dragging sentences despite the use of past participles. The characters' actions are easy to follow, almost like a coordinated dance.

Fri, October 22nd, 2021 1:36pm

Author
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Thank you. This just had to be so short, I really couldn't do what I wanted with it. It's another that I will be coming back to work on. It doesn't feel complete yet.

Fri, October 22nd, 2021 5:15pm

llywrch

There are a number of spots where you could tighten up the language. I marked a few.

You indicated that you want to add more to this story. May I suggest working on the backstory? Why did their marriage become so contentious? And why would a guy attack someone holding a knife? (Could it be that he was confident that she would not fight back after all this time?)

Sun, November 28th, 2021 11:00pm