Vinniewise Gamgeno

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I wondered what if the Lord of the Rings would be like if it had an Italian Wise-Guy hobbit in the story. Instead of Samwise Gamgee, the character would be known as Vinniewise Gamgeno. I wondered how this would have changed the touching scene at the end of the “Return of the King.” The part where Frodo gets on a boat and leaves. I tried to imagine it and this is what came to my mind.

LORD OF THE RINGS ENDING WITH VINNIEWISE GAMGENO

Frodo walks to his friends. He stops in front of Vinniewise Gamgeno, the only hobbit with the well-tailored suit and expensive shoes. Hey, he has his standards.

“I’m sorry Vinniewise Gamgeno, but I’ve got to go. It's something I must do,” says Frodo.

“You gonna what? You mean to tell me after all the crap we been through you gonna just take off and not tell me until now? Why you being such a prick?”

“I’m sorry I knew you’d be upset.”

“Upset? Upset? Should I be upset? Hey, who saved your scrawny ass from that big damn monster spider thing that wrapped you in spaghetti and was gonna eat you like cannelloni after a Sunday brunch? Huh? Who jacked up all them damn Orcs to save your ole Baggins Ass, huh? That crazy bastard Gollum was planning to kill us for months and who did you believe? Not your lifelong friend Vinniewise Gamgeno, nooooo, you go and believe that anorexic freak Gollum. You remember him, that crazy bastard going around talking to his own crazy-ass all the time. Now you gonna treat me this way? Maybe Gollum got a crazy relative around here who can bite off the finger on your other hand and give you a matching set.”

“Try to understand this is for the best.”

Vinniewise Gamgeno turns around and pats his butt.

“You kissing the baby would be the best. Pucker and place it right there buddy.”

Gandalf walks over to them

“Now there is no reason to be upset with Frodo. What he is doing is for the best.”

Vinniewise Gamgeno stands in front of Gandalf and points his finger up at him.

“Hey, I got a bone to pick with you too, you skinny ghost-looking crazy old wizard asshole prick.”

“State what you will, you foul-mouthed hobbit.”

“Foul-mouthed? You can kiss the baby too. Hey, I notice you summon those damn eagles whenever you want. How come you didn’t bring in a couple of them eagles when we formed the fellowship, huh? Me and Frodo could’ve jumped on one of them damn eagles, been flown to Mordor, dropped the ring in ole Mount Doom there, and then budda boom, budda bing, we’re eagle flown back to the Shire in time for a wine and pasta dinner. But nooooo…you gotta screw with us ya sick bastard.”

“You just don’t understand Vinniewise Gamgeno.”

“I understand you are an asshole wizard, that's what I understand.”

When others start to yell at Vinniewise Gamgeno, he flips them all off and says he’s the only one who has a woman and they’re all probably nothin' but a bunch of pathetic loser schmucks who need to get a decent tailor. He then tells all of them to leave him alone or he'll call his cousin, who is a made hobbit, and then things will get real.

********

I don’t think it would’ve been a popular ending, but I’m sure some people would’ve liked it.

Submitted: October 12, 2021

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