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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Just writing to try to keep myself sane.
-B.G Loony

I look in the mirror and see something I’ve never seen before.


An image of myself I didn’t know existed, but maybe I’ve suspected it was there. There’s something wrong with me. That much I know. I’ve known that for a while. But now things are falling apart.


They’ve fallen apart before.


But I was always able to make it through. This time, I don’t know. I’ve lost hair to stress and I’m only twenty one. There’s something wrong with you. Is it the ADD? I got pills for that ages ago. Is it the pills? No, because I have troubles without them too. But maybe? They definitely up my anxiety.


I now see a clearer picture, maybe. I’m sick, I’m sick, there’s something wrong in my head I think, do I have a tumor, no definitely not but maybe. When I was a kid I started walking out in the woods at night. I never stopped. Why? Why do I do these weird things? These strange things? 


I look in the mirror and I see that my eyes are tired and I touch my face and pull apart my eyelids and I see my eyes clearly and I think what the fuck because I’ve never seen this image of myself before, this fucking image, is it a clear image?, I don’t know but I suspect it is. 


Last week I went manic you think you did and by the end of it I was so wound up I couldn’t even function. I had a test it was supposed to be your easy class and I failed it and that night I went and got drunk with a friend who I think is my friend. 


My vision is in some way marred, minorly obscured by a field of static, millions of microscopic, nearly transparent dots that swarm and collide like particles of a gas. This is not even a metaphor for anything, it's true. Call it visual tinnitus. 


Earlier this year I won a national award for my research on COVID-19 and I was in the newspapers and celebrated and now I’m failing two classes and I fall asleep in lectures because I’m lethargic but somehow incredibly wound up, and I have a decaying brain that I’m not sure is decaying and I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME


Am I undiagnosed something? 


I look in the mirror and I see a clear picture of myself, a boy who was diagnosed with autism and ADD at an early age and started walking in the woods at night with vision obscured by strange floating dots who almost failed high school and went to college to prove everyone wrong and did it, and now might fail out as he battles something he doesn’t know, but he can’t battle it because he doesn’t know what it is that needs to be battled, because it's not neatly labelled.



Submitted: October 18, 2021

© Copyright 2021 BullGooseLoony. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:


olive tree

don't anchor yourself to theories of dysfunction

or astray people

trust your gut

you know what to do

Mon, October 18th, 2021 7:17am

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