INTRODUCTION

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic


Basically, I used to think showing happiness and being grateful for what I had, would cause any current good in my life to all disappear, so I stayed miserable through the bad, but I’ve learned just the opposite IS true - the more I show my appreciation for what I have and what I want, the better! The more I take the time to stop and soak in the good and thank the universe, the more things seem to go along well. It’s true that positive attracts more positive, I believe it now, and maybe all that negative was just attracting more negativity before. I was afraid to be happy, I was a fool, I should have just grabbed on when it was there and see if I could have kept it before, but I’m happy now, even though I have a lot to do, to fix about my self and my life still, as I’m far from a perfect place now, but I am happy. 
 
Right now, I see children getting ready for the new school year, some excited, and that’s amazing. I never was. I was so afraid of every new thing and just ready to get things over with - I seemed to be ready to get the world over with, I was so afraid of living. Same goes when I got older and started new jobs. I remember the overwhelming feelings I used to get as an adult, too. 
 
I never felt the peace I feel inside now. Today, I enjoy each day, each moment as it comes and as I go through it. I choose to wake up and enjoy each new day and each individual morning to afternoon, etc., as it comes at me. I’m calm, no longer anxious. (I know it helps to say I’m not working right now, but it’s more than that. I used to dread waking up to the doctor appointments and other dreary, everyday life things that brought me down. No more.) I can gratefully say this, and gratitude is a big key to keeping my happiness. 
 
The universe, or god, provides and in return I’m happy. It’s give and take and manifesting is putting in work with the universe. Eventually, when you’re working with the universe and choosing to be happy, you feel yourself flowing together. This flow, feels amazing, it’s the calm inside of me. 
 
Yes, I’ve been through a lot of health issues and my share of sexual assault experiences, but in the end I can say I found myself - that spark, that glee … I’m happy, I’m at peace … I’m me, unapologetically. No matter what happened and no matter what happens next, I know I will be good.  
 
As life throws things at me I realized, I need to acknowledge whatever it is I’m feeling. I can’t bottle it, I need to really dive in and dissect my thoughts instead of getting upset by them, initially, like my gut tries to tell me to do. 
 
I must explore even my negative feelings, on those days, to figure out what is causing them. That way, once I figure out what really has me feeling a certain way, I can go through the emotions and MOVE ON. Going through the emotions can be a lot easier now, once I understand things - they’re always less scary. I did read a quote about how nothing in nature blooms everyday, so I shouldn’t expect to be at my best every day either. I think that’s beautiful and that I should take bad days with stride. 
 
After all these years, I found my happiness was a choice. I finally just chose to be happy. Sounds so easy and why didn’t I think of that years ago?! Depression is strong. So is anxiety and the rest of the illnesses and life problems. I suppose I was ready now. I finally worked with the universe and not against it or myself. I thank spirituality and astrology. And I maintain my happiness with different methods of journaling, meditating, self-care, & manifesting - daily, maintaining balance, a schedule is important to my health and happiness. (I’m also on antidepressants from my doctor still, which I’m sure still play a big part.) Happiness takes some work, like maintenance, that I’m willing to put in. I just hope others are better at noticing red flags in life than I was, both in my personal life with people and when dealing with my health. Even my own birth was a problematic event, problematic doctor. 
 
 
 

 


Submitted: October 22, 2021

© Copyright 2022 Jenni Littzi. All rights reserved.

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