HUMAN TOUCH / TRIGGERS / SELF-INJURY

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic


I noticed at 13, I wouldn’t date when I was hit on. I was prude as can be, but it was deeper. By 16, I was freaking out if a guy, even family, touched me. I had a gut feeling and was looking for answers on my own in the back of my Psychology I book. I finally went to my mother with a theory that I was molested when I was a child and we sat down and figured things out.  
 
I was so afraid that no one would believe me. The only reason I was able to come forward and tell my mom the truth was because I told myself if she didn’t believe me, I could just kill myself and die anyway. What a sad and morbid thought. I want to hug that girl. Mom believed me and easily figured out I was 4 and a neighborhood guy would have been 14 at the time. Why he did it? We don’t know for sure, but for the first time I could breathe. 
 
Why did I need the truth out so badly? Huge moment again - I used to wonder why I felt as if I were already abused sexually or raped, so I wished someone would break in and rape me to justify the feelings I already had. That way, It’d finally make sense. How pathetic and twisted, but now I actually was validated. I was allowed to feel sexually assaulted, as I was now. 
 
Even with the truth out, things still haunted me in other ways. Certain affects last with you. There are things that go on and people don’t even realize it. At one point I felt dead inside to the world. 
 
Someone would brush against me, skin-to-skin, someone I knew was harmless, on accident, and the human contact would feel so good. It perked me up, I suddenly felt alive, I felt a way I hadn’t felt in so long. Probably because I’d scream and run if anyone, especially an adult or someone my age of a male, would touch me. The feeling I was feeling, while being slightly brushed against, was happiness, maybe even some serotonin releasing. I would smile through all the dark clouds of depression. 
 
Quite often when I wore tampons, I would get this disgusting feeling with it inside me. I’m not sure how to explain it, other than that it was like being raped or sexually abused, if I didn’t get that thing out of me ASAP. The feeling in my mind was that of a victim all over again, anyway. I often would go to the nearest private area and rip it out and dispose of the tampon, even if it meant no pad and bleeding out from then on. With endometriosis and a period nearly daily, this problem was frequent for me. 
 
My second big trigger was a rubbing noise, often made on the carpet/floor with the feet or against the skin with the hand rubbing their arm back and forth. People seem to do these simple motions a hell of a lot around me and I get so riled up inside, I almost burst trying not to make a big deal out of it. I hope people just stop on their own, so I don’t have to be honest about why it bothers me and how badly it bothers me, to the point I could die or maybe kill. 
 
My favorite bad coping - skill to being sexually abused as a child was to cut myself, specifically my wrist. Sexual abuse was the most common reason to cut, I learned. This was the worst way to cope, too. Unfortunately, I kept it up off and on for a very long time, because I never learned better coping skills. Self-injury is addicting. It releases feel good hormones, even though there are better ways to release them, it’s a whole mood. 
 
I wish I learned this one. Instead of cutting, use a pen to draw marks on yourself like cutting. It can feel like a razor a bit against the skin and it’s a lot less permanent. You can leave designs, make something artistic, CREATIVE, all while releasing your demons and not scarring yourself for life like me. Of course, there’s always journaling, meditating, talking to others, etc. now that I’m wiser. Just do not be mean to yourself, unless it is productive, like a tattoo or piercing. I love body modification therapy, too. 
 
Friends cared when I cut as a teen and told on me. My parents cared, but everyone focused on the wrong thing. The good news is, most cutters do not intend to kill themselves. I made sure not to hit the artery. Most cutters clean the area, etc, to not die. It’s a bad form of therapy, it’s not the problem, it’s a cause of a problem or problems. People were focusing on it, instead of seeing what was really wrong with me - the sexual abuse (and health problems were coming, too). 
 
Make sure you know the problem and the solution. Supposedly, we block things subconsciously to protect ourselves and that’s what I’ve done from 4 years old. Or I was too young to really grasp it and remember. I know I’ve always known too much about sex. At 15 I was giving sex and birth control advice online on message boards at Bolt.com to strangers ... as a prude virgin. They knew it, too, but usually listened to me, because I knew my facts. 
 
Once I finally allowed a guy to touch me at around 21 years of age, I went back and forth. I’m great at relationships, which I love. Otherwise, I’m either abstaining and prude again or easily letting some guy take advantage of me, as some other stories will show. I can’t seem to find a healthy balance, unless I’m in a relationship, but it’s rare I find a guy I want, who wants me, at the right time. Sigh. Like right now, I’ve been abstaining a really long time. I just want nothing.  
 
I am pretty content for now. I know when, if, I’m ready to date, I must control myself. I must play the so-called game my way. I’ve already started paying attention to how guys hit on me. I’m noticing the excuses used to try to get their way. To be fair, maybe they’re being legit, but I’m here to put *me* first and that is what I’m going to do. I’ll date the way I want to date and only on those terms. I deserve, you deserve, what I want, what you want,  just as much as the last or next person. Go for it, don’t get distracted by playing on someone else’s playground - stick to your own, or who else will keep an eye on things?  If I don’t put myself first at least a little bit, I have nothing left for anyone else, anyway.  
 
So, what is it I want? Sarah Pendrick had a manifestation list and I realized what I want in a match is much harder to put into words than I thought. I’ve been too busy trying to be someone else for guys, who they wanted, I haven’t thought about who would fit me. Make your list and don’t settle for less. I rather be alone with myself, with my own rules, than with the wrong person. I can’t have that kind of balance off again, not now that I’ve found peace alone. I’m learning about myself writing my manifestation love life list, though. 
 
Every day, I heal a little more. The best thing I can do is be open. I always need to be honest to those around me and especially to myself. One must take each day a step at a time and use positive coping skills. If I could do things over, as a child it’s harder, but every time (two rapes later on), I would rather tell. No one should get by with sexual assault or rape. “Be brave, not afraid, don’t let them keep getting away!” 
 
Coming back to this chapter a couple months later, I finally feel I know what I want. As I said, I continue to heal every day. 


Submitted: October 22, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Jenni Littzi. All rights reserved.

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