This is an essay about my epiphanies while working with different mantras and meditations over a 5 year period

I was sitting in meditation this morning and it was very opening. I have committed to the 108 chants of, "I am not the body, I am not even the mind." I got through the Ho’oponopono and learned a lot. Mostly back tracked into my self. My real self. The 108 chants, I used to do it daily in the bath tub. It was my morning ritual to get going, to try and heal from the disease that was taking over my body. I had accomplished so much in that ritual in a short time. I was able to get into a partial remission and to believe that I could accomplish what I was "called to do.'' To find my hidden alchemist and then maybe my twin flame(Plato flame style). Today I realized what dis-ease was on a deeper level again. It is being in a place where none appreciates body or mind as spirit as is. It is having the idea that this body and this mind is not perfect just as it is. That it is not worthy just as it is right now. That somehow and at some point you can better the attachment to this form in Maya. Everything here is illusion, even the Christ consciousness. EVERYTHING! And people will do all they can to manipulate it bc they have no holiness to their own spirit. We live in a never ending hall of mirrors here, trying and hoping to find our true self and all we see is rejection of us in those mirrors. Because those mirrors are NOT us. Every teaching here is so opposite of what you really are, than what you really truly believe under all the lies and BS. We think there is something more one must do or believe or accomplish before one passes. That one must conform to please. That one must follow said commandments of another temple, of another fragment of the broken whole of God. That one must strive for proving and not the joy of striving alone. That one must do to receive love. That one must conform to this world and not be transformed by renewing ones own mind. ONES OWN. I came to this earth through a unique biological code, through the doors of other minds and bodies and their gifts and oddness and curses. That is how we come here as a slave. For to come at all we must give up our wholeness to again remember our wholeness. I chose well if I chose at all. Nothing is pie in the sky, some day. It is now. I am perfect now. I am holy now. Anything out side of that is a complete lie and a fabricated story of death. It is like God lives forever and must come and experience death here as us. How else can you experience life as a separate fractal? In that case to live and die is an honor, no matter what others think or say or try to one up you with. We have to continually face the lie here from all the mirrors that we are not the wholeness of what they want to see, that we are all looking in the mirror and finding some imperfection, some lack, something to hate on, some part of god to despise and judge. Most people judge themselves and it is evident by what you see in their lives. The more they judge themselves the more hateful they are and the more that those around them love themselves, the more they hate and try to tear them down. Then there are those of us who were born to be the ones who try to sooth these animals and haters of the god in men and if we don't stop trying to be their buffer we become them. I will never return to religion. I will always use the symbol, that is the whole reason they are created, as a school to wake up the psyche to itself on the journey. It is why in religions their selves evolve or I should say, continue to devolve and fracture the whole. People can not abide by you being the wholeness of God without their being a God external, they can just not fathom that it is their very fractured selves creating this universe and wondering why it is not whole and giving their power away to hopes and prayers that just return to sender undeliverable and often worse for the ware. If a miracle ever does happen it can not be from themselves and seeing the wholeness. Nope! It has to be some God caricature of themselves floating out there disembodied or some lover on the return home for a bride who needs to patiently wait thousands of years or life times. Some big man with a bigger mystery of why you are not your own or HIS own wholeness. Just forget about HER wholeness that can't even happen. Yes, it can't without seeing her as whole already instead of some piece of earth you have to conquer and tear down or worship. People can not fathom truth for their own stories and lies that they need to force feed others to feel good and even to have a purpose to live. Living in that purpose is usually the greatest quagmire. People who hate themselves, want and need you to hate yourself because it is their world paradigm and as a mini god they need to prove their paradigms exist. It is their true, true and their self worth or self lack of. It is their religion and when you pull down peoples edifices they hate you and it is NOT your place to do that. But to live as an example. I know I will never try to prove that to anyone again. But I will write about it bc I want to write about it. Because my experiment before my death was to write about it. It is exactly what has kept me alive and on my path and I will not let any human judge me for it. It has taken me 10 years to get here from my continually evolving diagnosis of death. I have taken on a lot of hate trying to heal, but it is no surprise as I thought healing and being whole and loved was the truth of why I was here, and it IS but NOT! Not by others. Others are the broken God mirrors. The one that was smashed in the big bang I like to call the orgasm. Even that I have no more judgement of bc even all I thought about sex, love and my body was untrue. This one thing is true and it took and old god man who had "given up on life" to allow me to accidentally see it, yet it is NOT something that you can actually see or feel or know and so he did his best as a broken mirror to convey his secret. It was not like the secrets I was forced to keep my whole life that eroded me. It was this. That now I am ok. that now I am perfect, that now I am whole, that now when I look in that mirror and try to see the fragments of me an others it is a lie that it is not whole, that I am not good enough. Stay away from those people is all he could say.. and it hurt him to have to say it. Because, like me, in his imperfection, he loved and he felt and he cried and lost and hurt, but the point of all that is, don't let anyone steal your crown. Happiness, or as he prefers to put it, "joy" is in your own head. It is a gift of your own holy spirit. You are wholeness, you are god and no separate entity as these dumb, deaf and blind Old Gods and religions/idols of men, want you to be to be to serve their "Never enough world paradigms." You are inChristed now. You are whole now, healed now and in Xahmbala with mother now. You have the keys to Agartha now if you so choose. If you never enter a holy land on earth.. Sit in your wholeness anyway and say good bye to those who want to tell you otherwise. If the Shiva never transforms you into the union of the 2 halves of the heavenly marriage. If you never find your souls mate or your god twin or twin flame, if you never become 2 in the flesh weather or not you become the Kali with the four arms and legs ;)you are still the perfected whole, that is, as of now, shattered until it reclaims it's idea of wholeness. Those who need to feel and cause suffering to find their own wholeness, you, us is living in a religious lie. Religion is a psychological illness. Self worth is being Godly and causes you to bear the fruit of a holy Spirit. You are whole and healed, weather or not you translate that to the outside world. All true holy books teach this. I Am symbol here for a moment and a breathe in time. I don't have to be seen any more than a mountain flower but if I want to I can pick up those roots and dance. I have that privilege here. I also have the privilege of knowing that. "I am not the body. I am not even the mind." Try and tell me that is not perfection. If you need to, Good bye! That is super hard for me to say, more bc I have to hurt others bc even my best haters get hurt when I pull the plug! Good bye is enough! I wish you the best in your lostness. I will not tolerate your lies any more than you would tolerate mine. I wish you the best in trying to piece together the biggest broken mirrors in the universe, the self.

Submitted: November 07, 2021

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