Journal

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

This will hold my compilation of daily thoughts and occurrences through my perspective.

Journal

November 11th-

Today I woke up very unrested. I had weird thoughts circling my head and I think it's from my bizarre dreams. They entailed me in a giant version of my van, touring the US, and packing what seemed like an endless amount of random people in my van. I vividly remember the van being parked on a viewpoint over the beach. I was frantically trying to find all of my chargers for all of my electronics and stumbled upon my mom’s old DSLR. I think that was so prevalent in my dreams because I subconsciously wish I had brought it because I know she never uses it and photography is one of my favorite mediums of art. Once I had all of my ducks in a row I got back in the van and truly discovered how many people were packed in the van. The inside looked like that of a giant RV. It had bunk beds all over the place and countless people packed in them. Sean, Marcus, and Gabe are a few faces that stuck out to me. Once we hit the road we drove in circles it seemed, yet we ended up in an arid, desert like, climate. I hopped out of the van to explore the outside world and noticed how nice the air felt on my skin. I proceeded to climb up a hill and search around for anything that caught my eye. I stumbled upon a weirdly placed natural spring that had massive crystals erected out of the pool that the spring had made. Once I was done exploring I got down off the rocks with my new crystals in hand and headed towards the van to stash my precious cargo. As I got in the van I noticed that there was a downstairs level in the van now. I walked down the steep stairs at the back of the van and almost transported to a hospital room. Yet, the weird thing was that the room was all dirt and seemed to have been recently carved out. There were scratch marks all over the wall that reminded me of the youtube videos of the little men that build mud structures to live in. As I examined what filled up this random room under my van I noticed my dad laying in a hospital bed in the corner. I swiftly walked over to the side of the bed to find my dad looking extremely sick and deathly. I asked him what was going on multiple times just to notice him completely unresponsive. I looked at the nurse and she said his skin cancer had taken over and that he was dying. Not knowing what to do I ran up out of the dirt room and stumbled into the sun and started balling. Once I woke up I felt very very empty and sad, and I think that’s because of my dad being in my dream. Once I was awake I turned on the light and stood there trying to grasp my feelings and really tried to listen to my brain and what it was telling me. I let my body and mind catch up to my heart and realized that I was simply weirded out by all of my emotions that my dream caused. I believe that when you dream, your brain gets to sift through all of these crazy scenarios without your emotions getting in the way. Once you wake up, the emotions follow what your brain just experienced. I find this interesting, specifically with the dream I just explained, because I was caught up in all of these mini scenarios that really did not make any sense with emotions outside of the scenario. Yet, once I woke up, all of the things I experienced came full circle. I came to realize that my “want to capture art” was portrayed through me finding my mom’s camera. My want to “explore the world and live in the van” was portrayed through me climbing rocks and exploring my new environment. My worry of “my parents fading out of my life” was portrayed through me seeing my dad on his deathbed and not saying a word to me. Interestingly, I wasn’t scared seeing my dad dying in my dream but simply worried he wasn’t able to tell me all of the things he needed to before he passed. I think, through all of the turmoil I have been through with my parents, I’m not worried that they’re going to die but rather that they didn’t get to fully experience me as they wished. I have it stuck in my head that I stole time from my parents in my development through life. I didn’t let them see me grow up the way they wished because I moved out and didn’t want anything to do with them. I’m torn between a strong urge to not talk to, or see, my parents and the want to be prevalent in their lives. As I grow up I’m coming to realize that I simply want to exist and if people want to be in my life and vice versa then it will happen. I wish I was wanted in certain people’s lives but have come to the realization that “it is what it is”. Life is weird.

 

November 13

I missed my journal yesterday, but these last two days almost seemed to morph together. I slept very weirdly and had a copious amount of bizarre dreams again. I dreamt of my dog that I used to have. Her name wasTana. Short for montana. We put her down a while ago, but in this dream she was the main character it seemed. The dream opened to a reality that seemed like it was in the future, as if my mom had stayed with one of her boyfriends. I was hanging out in the kitchen with my dog and my sister and her friend were sitting on the couch. I obstructed their view of the TV as I walked outside to let Tana out. After I threw the ball for my dog I came back inside to my sister and her friend eating my food I had prepared for myself and the dog. Both of them glared at me as I reached in the fridge to prepare more food for myself. As I was preparing my own food again my sister and her friend mumbled under their breath. They were trying to get a rise out of me. Yet, being my passive self, I disregarded their rude vibes and continued to make my food. Once I was done and started to take the first bite out of my sandwich my sister says, “why don’t you care about me?” I looked up to see both of her wrists bleeding and her friend sitting there staring deep into my soul. I looked at the blood very shocked but swallowed my original response and said, “I care more than you could know.” She looked back, shocked at my response, as she was insinuating about me eating her food and not her true pain (her bleeding wrists). Astonished at the situation I simply left. As I closed the front door I felt a rush of relief and went to explore with my dog. The rest of the dream entailed me and my dog exploring the new world void of my sister’s weird commentary. We started at the gas station, filled the tank, and drove until the sun set. As the sun was setting, my dog and I hopped out of the car, climbed on the hood and simply observed. 

Reflecting on my dream, I am stuck on the scene with my sister’s bleeding wrists. She was so fixated on me responding to her eating my food but didn’t want to address her true pain. There was blood spilling onto the food that I was going to eat and I watched her put the blood soaked sandwich into her mouth. I believe she knows I can see past her ``problems” but refuses to acknowledge her true pain. I see her. Yet, she wont let me bring light to it.

November 18th

My dreams have been just as weird as always. I had a few nights where they lulled and my mind seemed to go blank as I was asleep. No dreams. No weird feelings. It was very normal nights of sleep for me and I'm not sure what I can chalk it up to. Last night was a different story. I started my dream in an elevator and I seemed to know exactly where I was going. I zipped up in the elevator and heard the ding signalizing that I had made it to my desired floor. As I heard the ding I was washed with a feeling of dread. Not thinking too much of it, I shook off the feeling, and continued into what was becoming more and more recognizable as a hospital. I turned left and briskly walked past the front desk of this given floor. I noticed how my head was everywhere else, yet my feet were carrying me to my true destination. I felt as if I was being ushered by an unseeable force to a specific room. Yet, as a took in the environment, I did not question this unseen force, but rather welcomed its corageous push as it shoved me nearer and nearer a room. I don't remember the specific number to the room but as I walked into it I became very aware of the familiarity that this room held. I briskly walked over to the only thing in the room. It was my dad, yet again in a bed looking very ill. I instantly knew where the source of dread that I was feeling in the elevator had come from. This room. As I observed my dad up and down to look for some sign of life, a nurse walked in the room. She knocked her bony knuckles on the frame of the door twice and proceeded towards me. As I watched her walk in I became aware of how lonely the room I was standing in truly was. In my head I wondered where the rest of my family was and why I was the only one present for my dad. Her words disrubted my thoughts as she read aloud the piece of paper she was holding. It was all very muffled and quiet to my ears, as if I had earplugs in. As close as she was I expected to hear her perfectly fine and then came to the realization that the only thing I had heard clearly from the start of the dream was the ding of the elevator as I stepped off. Looking at her confused, I asked her to repeat herself, because I obviously hadn't been paying attention. This time as she opened her mouth her volume decreased with every word that left it. I gave up trying to understand her, so I looked back down at my dad. He was completely unresponsive and I had no clue why. After some time of me softly talking to my dad I noticed his heart rate was dropping on the monitor, and fast. I instantly started screaming for a nurse at the top of my lungs but my voice wasn't working well for some reason. As I continued to scream for help I looked down to notice that my screams weren't coming from my mouth but rather my dad's. I was instantly petrified in shock. His non-responsive body laying there, not moving a muscle, yet every time I would scream I would watch his mouth arch open and beg and beg and beg. My screams and sorrows were coming from his lifeless mouth rather than mine. Shocked at what was happening still I ran out into the hallway to find it completely empty and dim. The shuffling of footsteps and beeps from other monitors was completely gone. To fill that silence instead, I could hear my screams and cries for help. Yet, once again, the screams were not coming from my mouth but somewhere down the hall. I continued to scream and beg for help as I ran towards the source of my bellows. I turned a corner to find my dad, standing in  a doorway facing away from me. The screams continued and didn't seem to stop no matter how much I tried to calm my mind. As I approached him I put my hand on his shoulder and pulled to spin him towards me. What I saw next inevitablly woke me up, but the picture is still stuck in my head days after the dream. I spun him around to see his mouth once again wide open filled with my cries for help. However, this time his eyes seemed to be gone. What replaced them was a void darker than I had ever seem. His motions were non-existent and he seemed like that of a zombie. I stood there in horror watching my screams flow out of his lifeless mouth, his eyes darker than a moonless night and his posture genuinelly horrific. 

That last image of my dream is still stuck in my head and I cannot escape it. The screams were scary yes, but to see his empty pitch black eyes is engraved in my mind. The way he stood with nothing more than a hospital gown and not a word to say to me is haunting. As for the meaning behind this dream, I have yet to figure it out. It was dark and lonely, and for what reason I do not know.

 
 


Submitted: November 14, 2021

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