What did I do wrong?

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Review Chain


It doesn't take much to convince me I'm broken

And now, you're just another sad reminder of my failures

Obviously, what we had didn't last, so

What did I do wrong?

 

Was it my past always weighing me down?

And you having to swoop and and comfort me, time and again?

Comfort that I never asked for, for that would hurt my pride

But you sensed it, and you soothed me,

And I realized that's what I wanted all along,

Did the traumas of my family, my upbringing, my struggles

Get too much for you, when you realized that I couldn't get over them?

Was it too much for you to bear with my fears and regrets time and again?

 

Perhaps I was too old for you,

I have, embarassingly, still followed your friends over social media,

And the things they say about me are brutal, to say the least

That I manipulated you, used you, and was just shy of grooming you

Yes, I was older in age, but I don't believe I was ever that old mentally,

And you were undoubtedly a grown woman yourself, responsible for your choices

That's what I always believed during our time together,

But evidently not everyone in your circle feels the same

You never did give me a straight answer on why you wanted to leave me,

Did you yourself not know why you were done with me?

Is this vitriol what you need to fill in the blanks that scramble your mind?

I never meant to use you. I never meant to manipulate you.

And I never thought you were anywhere close to the kind of immature child that could be "groomed"

I rattles me to my core that you, or anyone close to you, could believe otherwise.

 

Was I inconsiderate of your feelings?

Whenever you took me out for parties, I felt left out

Your peers, your friends, I don't think they ever liked me,

And you seemed all to eager to sideline me for them

I would be lost and alone while you had the time of your life

And I wouldn't say anything, because I wouldn't insult you for having a good time

But it probably showed on my face, didn't it?

I'd deny it, and I'd hide, and in the process I'd push you away,

It must have been difficult living with a man who was needy one moment, closed off another

Perhaps you did deserve better than that

 

Was it because I never believed in myself,

Always acting like our love was hanging by a thread

Joking about you running off the second I lost my job

Acting like I didn't deserve you when you were there for me through thick and thin

Berating myself for not being a good caregiver to you, when you could more than take care of yourself

I must have been so inconsiderate to brush aside how much you cared for me

Because part of me was so used to living in imagined catastrophes

 

Perhaps, in the end, I was simply ungrateful,

I'd hold on to moments when you brushed me aside, when for the most part you never held back your affection for me

I'd be insecure and resentful of the friends you kept, and I tried so hard to hide it that I never even gave you the chance to tell me your perspective on things

I acted like I had to take the lead, and I was failing at it. Perhaps in that sense, I did behave like an older man who had to dominate his younger charge

I have hurt you, unknowingly, in so many different ways

And now everyone you're close to will be wary of me, think of me as a cautionary tale

And I know I'll never have you back

 

But for my ramblings, will I ever get your reply?

Perhaps you can tell me, from your own perspective,

What did I do wrong?


Submitted: November 16, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Pulak Km. All rights reserved.

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