Depression

Genzu4750

The Author note mention me by name??? Oh God...
This means that I am instantly forced to review it....

All right, time to lay down the sh*t
I admire the effort made to insert rhymes into every stanza, and I noticed that the rhyming tends to get more pronounced and fresher towards the end. I interpreted this as you getting more and more accustomed to depression, and even seeing it in a new way as the rhymes get more creative.
I like what you did with the 'chorus', and how in the end you changed it around a little.
The last stanza also made me think of how writers/poets/designers(as Excly likes to say)/artists are statistically more likely to be alcoholics, depressed and to commit suicide/self harm. And whilst there is something tragically poetic about a designer(that's what I'm now going to say to encompass all of the aforementioned) suffering from depression/other mental afflictions, it can get very stale very fast. And whilst you most likely did not take that into account, I cannot blame you as it isn't too relative to the poem.

'but you wouldn't have it any other way' solidifies that you are probably loving the senseless misery of depression in one way or another. (designer afflicted with issues)
Also, I do like the verse 'Depression arrives like the weather', as I saw that as you describing depression as this force of nature which cannot be controlled, but can be made better with shelter( ie, calling a mental health hotline, or reaching out to friends)
I would say how the rhyming at the start is inconsistent and not that good, but that works in your favour as the rhyming gets clearer and clearer. Which I will assume is intentional))

Now to criticize you.
firstly ,the word 'depression' is so overused in today's world that it is used to describe anything from dropping spare change to having your entire family succumb to a disease and die, leaving you the only survivor.
In the Authors note you said that we all have out good and bad days, which leads me to believe that you are guilty of using 'depression' to describe your bad days, which happen to everyone, and aren't actual depression.
I would lay off you after reading 'Depression arrives in heartbreak', but I am going to take a dig at you and remind you that depression is only considered depression if there is no reason for it, but when there is a reason, then that is just called being sad.

"I cured their depression."
"What? How?"
"I gave them a reason to be sad."
"Not again, Genzu..."

Upon reading it back once more, I realised that the chorus is used to split up the poem.
the poem goes on about a sinking ship and waves, then the chorus comes along and the topic changes to an ex and heartbreak.
Nice touch, I have to say.

###please let me know what I may have missed, or anything you thought was really great and standout that I somehow missed being the damned idiot I am###

Jonathan E. Lee

I enjoy formalist poetry, so in that regard I appreciate your effort here. That being said, I find it strange that for a poem that is intended to contain "more rhyming" there isn't a single proper rhyme contained therein.

Most of the rhymes fall into one of a number of categories: near-misses, such as "drops" and "stop" and "hug" and "snugged"--which would have worked if both were simply changed to the same case; simple repetition, e.g. "ship" and "ship," or "waves" and "waves," etc.; some strange mixture of both, such as "ways" and "away," which even if you fixed the case to match would just become repetition. One peculiar exception was "bother" and "weather." Is there some dialect of English where these words somehow rhyme? If there is one, I would genuinely like to know, since this one left me scratching my head.

Rhyming isn't necessary to give your poetry form. You could have a set of fixed syllables effecting a particular cadence. Well written blank verse can be very enjoyable. The key point is you at least need some kind of "rhythm" and ideally one that works when read aloud. (Personally I think even good prose is something which sounds good when read aloud, but then I suppose there's a fine line between poetic prose and free verse poetry anyhow.)

Previously in your response to Genzu, you mentioned you were "feeling a lot" when you wrote this. Personally, I find myself agreeing with the general thrust of Edgar Allen Poe's treatise "The Philosophy of Composition." Specifically the understanding that good writing isn't born out of--or at least not wholly subject to--some wild "inspiration" of a given moment.

You can go back over something you've written in a whole different set of moods--both different from the mood in which you initially wrote something, as well as feeling different than the the feeling you're looking to evoke. Persistent conscious effort often yields better results than some stream of consciousness born out of a sudden mood. As Gurney Halleck famously noted in Frank Herbert's Dune: "Mood is not for fighting!" And you can indeed wrestle with words when you're composing something creatively. (Did I mention I'm a big fan of alliteration? I worry I may use it too liberally at times. That in itself is an example of the smidgen of conscious effort and deliberation one can put into creative writing.)

In short, I'm saying you can put down your pen and let the words sit for a while and revisit them later. And then you can pour over them and revise them, then rinse and repeat. Sometimes actually being emotionally detached from your writing actually makes you *more* effective at affectation. I've actually heard musicians give the same advice when it comes to performance. You can "feel" the music too much so such an extent that you come to enjoy passively listening to your own work, and miss out on the focus needed to perform the technical movements needed to give a good performance.

Anyhow, I digress a bit. I'm basically just saying you don't need to be afraid to sit down and edit this work and refine it. Barring Genzu's point about the variant definitions of "depression," it is a terribly relevant topic today. Accordingly I think a poem reflecting on it has the potential to resonate with a lot of people, if done well.

I also enjoyed the nautical theme threaded throughout your work. "Ship" and "waves" and "rain" all calls to mind the sea. And the sea has had a long history in mythology of representing our apprehension toward chaos and yet the mysterious call to adventure that comes with it. Perhaps if you managed to metaphorically transmute the one into the other to show how melancholy could be turned to joy by embracing one's condition and letting it take you somewhere meaningful, you might have something inspiring and hopeful. To ride the waves of despair out to some unseen shore where the sun may rise again... I don't know, just kind of thinking outloud there.

It's a cliche' to end with "keep writing" but I did want to emphasize something from before, so I'll just leave you with this: Don't be afraid to go back over your writing--even poetry "from the heart"--and edit. Edit, edit, and edit some more, beyond the time it becomes a chore. There's a reason that writing's not fixed in time, for a rhyme in time is so sublime. So go back, revisit, fix and refine; there's plenty of time to make your words shine :)

Archia

Depression can be a very hard thing and it can show itself to people in different ways. I think one of the main things the make depression different from sadness is that it can be mysterious. There'll usually be a reason for sadness or something that triggers it, but depression can arise without any obvious signs. I think you did a great job at capturing that side of it. Your second to last stanza especially showed that and was really good.
Some of your rhymes seemed a little forced (like weather/bother), or used the same ending (like ship and ownership). I think rhyme can be tricky, because sometimes it has to be really really good for it to work well. I think a good, consistent structure in a poem can be just as effective as rhyme. If you do use rhyme though I find the best way to make sure it works well is to read it aloud. Sometimes in my head I'll twist words so that they do rhyme, but when read aloud it's more accurate.
I really liked the different metaphors you used to describe the ways depression can appear. It is something that can just appear after being dormant and it can come it quickly but also be almost reminiscent and familiarly comforting. Your did a really great job at showing what depression can be like and your poem was great to read.