How would it be

It has been alot in a week and last week. Yes, i have been emotionally struggling to breathe when i cry. I felt out of place. Imbalanced. Unsecured. Unworthy and all those things that just would make me question myself. 

I shutdown, became weak. Not even have the strength to talk. My energy is just quite enough to breath. 

I tried to navigate and determine how it all started. There were alot of emotional triggers and from all of them i can point out the painful part, "you don't fully accept me". Ah this one. This have quite hit hard.

Of all the heartache i have gone through, the bending over just to prove the worth of you and me, the stretching of patience and understanding and  with no demands to meet my own emotional needs, being wholeheartedly true and not judging..and this, at the end this is what i hear.

Ok, that was one point and there were more. It is just alot to write and explain, hoping i could do more. but my left shoulder is really aching. To continue a bit.... 

The holding back of tears while on the road was really quite hard too. I wish i don't have the energy to cry or even wish to just get tired of everything. 

It really burns off the energy to be resilient, to give off that love and care to patients when i have almost no affection to give. Praying to God of a long off day, just to give time to love myself a little more. 

Wishing this would be just for a moment, praying it will all pass through. 

but how would it be...