What the Hell: COVID-19

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Pandemics. What are they? Why do they strike us? When will they fuck off? The WHAT THE HELL series investigates the latest mass manufactured doom to hit our planet, or this time, grow out of it. WHAT THE HELL gives a thorough background and explanation of COVID, the most poorly named virus since the Great Mass Death and the Mild Mannered Shy Killing.

What The Hell: COVID-19

 

What The Hell educational series presents What The Hell: COVID-19

 

Translated from the original English into Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, French and back into English. Special thanks to Messages Lost Inc.

 

Rewritten by small children

 

Presented in Monocolour

 

Printed in Modern Screen Pixel Illusion

 

Published by Unspecific Pronoun

 

“This is an original work and therefore can be reproduced, in the same way that animals reproduce to create offspring. It may be shredded, torn apart, placed in a basement, blown up, melted by magic or casually thrown away by any means necessary.”

 

Special thanks to Speculation and Hearsay for making this book possible. A bibliography and a hands free human finger is included with the illegal reading of this copy.

 

Warning

 

If you downloaded this book without a paper cover, you should be aware that this book is stolen property, and therefore should immediately be returned to the publisher after its destruction.

 

Once again, in case you are reading this on a transparent iTreadmill belt:

 

What the Hell: COVID-19

 

A thorough explanation of something you will never understand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To the secret colonies on Mars.

Remember to wear a mask when you go out.

 

 

 

 

The State of the Earth

 

 

 

“People of earth, cough.”

 

This is how Doctor Universe diagnosed our planet with COVID-19 nearly two years ago. It was an intergalactic tweet sent in every language to every phone on the planet. There was no need for a swab test, which scientists now use for removing bogeys and snot instead of testing for viruses. The results were instant. Despite feeling well, we were all sick with something we never knew we had in the first place. The newly discovered Coronavirus, which had been on earth for millions of years, was a shock to humans, pangolins, bats and mass manufactured face masks.

 

The Chinese called the new virus ‘the art of being sick without being sick’. The British threw their beer bottles at their TV screens and then tried to watch the football. The Americans stopped vampires at immigration, and banned penguins from entry into the country. The myth of the pan goblin was born - a strong independent snowman ape living somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, which can only ever be photographed at a great distance by a crap camera. The Japanese experienced a humongous wave, followed by another meltdown.

 

We can all remember where we were at that critical moment in history, when we all received that same message: The world has stopped. Stay at home. I was humping my pillow. My wife was staying at her new friend’s house. Dave was looking after my kids, and my kids were with my wife. Gas stations ran out of gas, as did deep-sea divers. Shops, restaurants, bars, hotels, schools and other unessential items closed down. In some kind of crazy Halloween slash theatre experiment, experts advised us to wear masks. But they were not specific about what kind of masks we should wear to save our lives and the lives of others, those nearest to us, and those furthest away in space.

 

This wasn’t a problem for certain continental tribes or stage actors. The wooden mask and layers of cake makeup they applied daily and even hourly already protected them from the virus. The Koreans white-faced themselves, and the thick barrier of milky camouflage give them a certain level of fake protection. The rest of us just felt the confusion. In Canada, the public wore hockey masks. In Britain, Frankenstein masks went out of stock. The traditional yelling tree fellers of Norway and Sweden, and the wild, wacky welders of Poland all wore anti-dust masks, but the problem was that air was still getting into their orifices.

 

Health organisations recommended temporary suffocation of random individuals to guarantee particles of intelligent, cunning bacteria were stopped at the mouth. Total face shields were brought to the present day from future science fiction realities, and even though the shield covered the eyes, other available body holes remained open to violation. Scientists and doctors advised the usage of tight shrinkable underwear, and farting was forbidden. As particles of methane attracted the virus, authorities advised us to hold in the big ones, causing swelling of the head and bulging eyes.

 

In Sweden, members of the public volunteered to get cubed. This process involved people standing in upright transparent boxes shuffling along gently, and breathing in intervals to minimise their air supply. Space agencies offered to mass manufacture space suits with holes in the knees - the only known human body part that repelled the virus. The experiment in Sweden failed catastrophically when people fell over in their cubes and weren’t able to stand up again - a disaster later referred to as the Domino Effect. One German doctor, Hans Glans, recalled some of the early stages of the virus spread:

 

“My colleague phoned me in the middle of the night to break the news. Like some enraged insomniac zombie, I went straight to the laboratory to see what had happened. The experiment was a failure. We had placed pillows over the mouths of six volunteers. We had expected them to breathe normally for several days. The pillows caused suffocation in less than three minutes. It was obvious from their exposure to the virus that they had all held their breath for too long, and had died as a result of the virus absorbing itself into the thick pillows once they exhaled. The virus bits travelled through the cotton, out of the finely stitched covers and into their face holes. I blame two things: negligence by the cheap labourers who knitted those pillow cases, and our human inability to hold our breath forever. We must perform more research into breathing techniques.”

 

Doctor Hans wasn’t the only victim of a failed experiment started right gone wrong. A French white coated spectacled scientist, Francois Francais, spoke to us about a rather rad, random experiment he carried out on an unsuspecting sapiens:

 

“Our specimen was a 35-year-old male from Paris. We extracted him from his house and put him in a glass cage. We made him stand still for several hours. We asked him to put on a mask. After face and mind shielding, we let  millions of invisible virus spores into the cage. After a few hours, the man complained of stiffness, light-headedness and sweating. He said his legs ached, his back was hurting and he needed to sit down. These we knew to be the classic symptoms of COVID. We knew the virus was breaking him. But what we discovered next was extraordinary. We placed a table and a chair, and a dinner plate with some food and cutlery in the cage. We asked the man to sit down and remove his mask. The virus was extremely respectful. It allowed the man to eat safely in peace, completely undisturbed. The man immediately felt better and said that he could breathe again. All of his COVID symptoms had mysteriously gone. Instead of trying to access his body holes, the virus left the cage through the glass walls and left the laboratory on its own accord. It wasn’t until the man stood up to go to the toilet and pay the bill, that the virus tried to return and attack him. This led us to one conclusion: the virus respects manners.”

 

British coping officials heard the news from France and immediately hired Japanese etiquette teachers. The public began practicing gratefulness, bowing and saying thank you to the air. The officials recommended submissiveness, as well as house cleaning and making neat piles of clothes. Middle-Eastern etiquette teachers invented the idea of the ‘friendly face slap’. Brits bowed, shook hands and tapped each other on the right cheek to express proper etiquette and politeness. For a while, the technique worked. COVID cases fell as our manners improved. However, the virus knew something that we didn’t. It could tell who was being genuinely friendly and appreciative, and who was faking it. Then it gradually dismissed the idea of respecting human manners and ravaged us at will. Not even the greatest manners and respect in the world could save the people from the virus’s mutation. The people of Gaia needed a more effective plan. Enter the global plan. It would be something all cultures on the planet would finally agree on:

 

March 2nd, 2020. 5:03pm, depending on the country and the dimension.

 

“We are going to beat the common cold. And how we are going to do this is by staying at home, not going outside, and avoiding public places. This common cold disease will not defeat us. We will not be deterred from living our daily lives. Our lives will remain the same, so stay at home and digest your media.”

 

- President Jennifer Janice

 

“Do the right thing. Save your loved ones by sharing your space with them. Improve your social life by staying indoors. Don’t go out. Don’t look out of the windows. Tell the parcel delivery people to keep their distance and place your deliveries in a virus proof resealable bag. This is closeness. This is community. By staying close to only people you know, and five metres apart from them, you will save lives. Ignore strangers. Stay at home until further notice, whenever that will be.”

 

- Prime Minister Hjkiwsadvbg Exjypqncb

 

“We have mobilised the army. We have special use of aeroplanes. Our ships are beaming and waiting. This invisible disease will not conquer us. Do your bit. Take your Vitamin C. We will get the guns ready.”

 

- First Minister Mr Firsten Foremost

 

“Non-essential people will be removed from our streets. Essential items such as lampposts, mailboxes and trees will remain. This is our strongest strategy. Don’t go to school. Don’t go to work. We will continue as normal, and I pray for every one of you. You should do the same for me.”

 

- President Walter Puke

 

“We will tackle this virus from behind. We will get it in a headlock and wrestle its proteins. We will score a national goal and take the lead. Let us hope not for penalties. Let us not get caught sleeping at the back. We have no substitutes.”

 

- Prime Minister Honeydew Malone

 

“This is not ebola or smallpox. This has the potential to be smallpoxebolafluperditis. If we don’t mix together, these viral disease illness cancertronic symptoms will not combine and overpower us, wiping us out in one lucky maniacal critical hit. You will stay home and eat whatever is in the fridge, then you will eat the fridge and move on to scraping the oil from floor tiles. We must make sacrifices. I have just murdered a wildebeest and squirted its blood over an altar.”

 

- First Official Disease Response Specialist Non-Specific Pronoun Jane

 

In a frenzied freak mad not seen since the Great Furry Creature invasion of 1997, citizens everywhere knew what was coming - boredom, more time on their phones, and being forced to stare at their walls, and not in a transcendental meditation kind of way. Since various fact graphs were invented, demonstrating that people have a tendency to go crazy, it was no surprise that the first thing people did was open their front doors. After that, they ran like hunted gazelles to their nearest supermarkets, buying only the most essential items in bulk - apricots, cabbage, spinach, fish, handfuls of nuts, shaving cream, soda, microwaves, toilet paper, condoms, penetration toys, socks and ‘grow your own petroleum’ plants. Of these, the two most important were, of course, toilet paper and pairs of nuts. Nuts because they are something that most people lack, and toilet paper for the ensuing explosive bottom hole waterfalls caused by widespread panic from leaders telling people not to panic. Also, according to a 2005 poll, 85% of families cook terrible food, resulting in free-flowing sprayable brown-pants.

 

Within minutes, almost all shops in the world ran out of toilet paper. The next to go was nuts, followed by petroleum plants. Nobody touched the vegetables. Gas stations ran out of fuel, forcing millions to travel to work by camel or hover canoe. The one thing that we suspected might happen did happen. The only thing that could save us now was an asteroid impact, or the fun invention of a trampoline football field. As boredom from intense safety kicked in, and we watched the world from our single-glazed, dodgy windows, we wondered, just like house cats and illegal dog breeds, if we would ever be allowed to play outside again:

 

“I had three kids at home and a wife. Going to work every day was the only thing saving my marriage. Two of my kids developed large-head from holding in fats, the other seemed happy locked inside his cage. I spent all of my free time rearranging my furniture. I couldn’t even go outside to water my plants. A week later, my plants had migrated.” - Barry Groin, 47, UK.

 

The CCUV - the Centre for Controlling Uncontrollable Viruses - released weekly updates and advice on live news concerning health guidelines. On the 4th of April 2020, they released the following info-screen on every TV channel:

 

CCUV - Beating the Virus Together

Official Health Guidelines

 

  • Wash your hands constantly with soap and water.
  • Use the finger mesh method to access all cracks.
  • The time it takes to listen to a 1970s progressive rock track is the length of time you should wash your hands and open holes.
  • Wear a mask, especially around yours or someone else’s kids.
  • Limit interaction with loved ones to two seconds per day.
  • Use hand sanitiser.
  • Eat fresh fruit and vegetables.
  • Shower twice a day, brush your teeth twice a day.
  • Maintain a safe emotional distance.
  • Beat the virus by saving electricity. Use electricity saving bags to store used electricity.
  • Breathe normally.
  • Eat at regular meal times to avoid gas generation.
  • One defecation per person per day.
  • Keep your phone with you at all times, especially in bed. Circumstances may change suddenly.
  • Pay attention to your screens and await further information.
  • Don’t look away from this message.

 

Hand sanitiser proved to be effective against hand insanity, and cases of self-strangulation fell by 80 percent in the first week since the authorities told us to panic. However, despite our best efforts to imprison ourselves, COVID cases rose, and, as a result, the next thing to be confined to the river trash pile was education and work.

 

Schools shut like doors in a Jehovah’s Witness’s face. Parents panicked, and instead of trying to homeschool their children themselves, they squandered the chance and signed their children off to video link classes, run by companies such as InYerFace and YouConcentrate. Teachers underestimated a child’s natural inability to sit still, causing many classes to remain empty and some teachers trying to educate empty chairs. Teachers discovered that most kids would just play games online that involved caterpillars eating leaves, swatting flies with colanders, and setting fire to schools. A Factus poll interviewed kids across many countries. They gave the following results about remote learning.

 

95% of children already knew how to use a remote control.

90% of little ones wanted to return to school because their parents were always around telling them what to do.

98% of kid adults reported learning nothing, yet they enjoyed playing online games while pretending to listen in their online classes.

94% of pre-earners deliberately disconnected their WiFi to create an artificial absence.

99% of non-contributors to society said that their teachers were just fact repeaters, they had already formed opinions of their own on many subjects, and that real learning came from playing outside.

 

The work environment changed too, but not for doctors and nurses. Hospitals for many years had already been zones for the dying, decaying, dissolving, dismembered, diseased, dementedly discharged, disinfected and the dead. Before the pandemic, a whopping 70 percent of hospital patients declared themselves perfectly well, failing to discharge themselves for two main reasons: ‘life was easier at hospital than at home’, and ‘They had been waiting to see a doctor for three years.’ Outside of hospitals, life for people with normal jobs became tougher. Our fantasy of never having to go to work ever again came true. But now we had to work from home, and being glued to the energy sapping bottom feeding internet all day took its toll. We craved returning to work.

 

To cope with this change, many people decorated their homes in an office style, buying up stacks of empty filing cabinets, broken kettles, prison wallpaper, dirty toasters and millions of piles of sticky notes just to remind themselves of their former lives at work. Gillian Cillian, a 28-year-old paper moving desk squatter, described her experience with the vivid recollection of an innocent party goer getting their drink spiked with a tablet that could make a horse talk:

 

“I remember my first week of working at home. We had these meetings on the computer, using the new meeting software named Meeting. I saw twenty five other people on cameras looking back at me. They had all decorated their houses in the office style. It was like a squillion mirrors staring back at me. I suddenly lost my sense of space and time. With all these chattering faces, I felt them expand and blend into the universe. The faces became 25, 250, 2,500, 25,000, 250,000, 2,500,000, 25,000,000, 250,000,000, 2,500,000,000, and whatever number comes after that. I felt every single possible future scenario play out. It took me five minutes to come round. Apparently my head smashed into my keyboard. I have no recollection of this. All I knew was that I needed to get out. The home had become the office had become my home in an endless cycle. Since it was illegal for me to go outside, I went into the garage and lifted the door slightly. I sat on the ground with my head in the crack. I breathed in the fresh air. Who knew that outside life could be so underrated? I did this every day, until a cat urinated in that crack.”

 

This specimen wasn’t the only human affected by working from home. A million people organised a protest march in London, New York and Sydney, simulating their old work commute. The relief felt extraordinary. They carried expensive cocktail coffees (coffee with milk, sugar and squirts of sweet caramel based stimulant liquids) and read newspapers. At the end of the march they celebrated by signing in on a timesheet. Sadly, the police beat them like overripe peaches, leaving body juices everywhere, and some of them were never seen again.

 

Despite this chaos, greater, more testing things were yet to come. The fabric of our societies unravelled like a cat pulling a loose thread, causing the jumper to cry out in pain as its foundation matrix disentangled and spread itself out over a kilometre wide area. This was the beginning of the end of the beginning. Only time would tell if things would descend even more. Well, I just explained that they would. That they did. They had. Were. Was. Things were going to get worse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Submitted: December 28, 2021

© Copyright 2022 Richard C. Parr. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Derina Peng

This is a very enjoyable read. A cooling breeze in a raging fire of What The Hell actually. How did you come up with such great sense of humor that reveal so many sharp and ungly truths? It takes a great and unyielding mind to the suppression do so, I reckon.

Plan to compile all the parts into a real book? This is simply worthy of documentation. I appreciate much your time to write and share.

Fri, January 7th, 2022 8:41pm

Author
Reply

Hey Derina, thanks for reading! I drew inspiration from Brass Eye and The Day Today - they were TV shows in England with news headlines like 'Elephant gets so sad it puts its trunk in its arse.' They actually called a zookeeper to try and coax the elephant to remove the trunk from its butt. I really like comedy.

There is a book in mind, and I'll add some child-like drawings, graphs and diagrams with silly 'factual evidence'. Hopefully that will come in the future.

Sat, January 8th, 2022 3:52am

Derina Peng

Great! When the book is out please let me know. I would love to collect this What The Hell. The world has struck thirdteen. Earthings are phone-cuffed for 24-7 Hate. Panic is Tranquility, Fear is Health. Lie is Truth. And we all Love Big Brother. Yours will be another great satire to have for future generations.

Sat, January 8th, 2022 8:01pm

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