What the Hell: COVID-19 Part 4

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Part 4 of 3: Own Nothing, Be Happy

What the Hell: COVID-19


Part 5


Own Nothing, Be Happy


“Own nothing, be happy.

‘Cos every little thing,

Is gonna be ours.”


  • Closing song at the World Leaders’ Summit, 2020


The great reset was upon us. Most of us wrongly interpreted that phrase as someone switching off every single router and superconductor on the planet, bringing an end to the internet for about a minute. That same person would then reboot the WiFi, and on our computers we would see blank screens where the internet and all its misinformation used to be. A clean state. We could start again. This time we could get it right, and without the porn, we would have an internet just one tenth of one percent of the size it was before.


“We toyed with the idea of switching off the internet worldwide for five minutes, just to see how people would respond. We expected mass killing, widespread panic and sudden fear as humans suddenly stopped thinking and discovered peace. But when the virus came, the leaders interfered with our evil plans, making them evil-er. They changed the meaning of the great reset.”


  • Doctor Rebootnik, former Russian technologist and weightlifting champion (later disqualified), now serving ten years in a seemingly endless tennis match.


You’ll own nothing and you’ll be happy. This famous line once spoken by my divorce lawyer is now a mantra repeated by leaders from all corners of the flat earth. But what does this poor piece of advice usually given by a yoga/spirituality teacher actually mean for humanity? Does that mean they’re coming for our TVs, phones, computers, tables, chairs, driveways, house foundations, sofas, cute cushions, ex-wives, illegitimate children, cars, hidden shotguns, concealed evidence, money under the floorboards and the neighbour’s frisbee which is still on the roof?


A banana passes through the body like a subway train goes through tunnels, meandering relentlessly on its way to a known destination. Several hours later it is poorly digested and clumps together. After depositing its vital life giving nutrients into the intestines, it is callously fired out into the sewage system. Whether or not it is flushed is for the human to decide, but nonetheless, a part of ourselves, now irretrievable, travels through underground tunnels towards an unknown destination. Your question is undoubtedly one of the following two: How will they retrieve that which has left my body? Can they really take yesterday’s healthy post dinner snack away from me too? Will we live in empty shells of houses, or on the grass verges outside of our houses, or will we just hang out on the streets together in one huge unintended vigil, holding candles in memory of our caravans and stolen goods? Will they rip the t-shirt off my ripped back?


History can teach us a lesson in ownership. King Thula V of Ancient Britain ordered his best soldiers to construct an underwater bridge between England and France. The project took 25 years to almost complete. English soldiers disguised themselves as Northern Frenchmen and started taking tables and chairs out of France, moving them across the sea like ants in slow motion. Due to the amount of wine involved, it took the French 100 years to realise that the English had pillaged every single item from their country. King Thula’s great descendant King Thula the Great made a slogan for the French. It was called, ‘Ye shalt hath nowt, yet ye remaineth pigs in shit.’ 


The French sought revenge. Their men dressed as women, and their women dressed as men. This way, the English couldn’t tell their own from the foreign invaders. It took the English 1000 years to realise that the French had taken all of their belongings back. But the French left their language behind, just to annoy the English, and they also left behind three colours not visible to the English before - red, white and blue. The English didn’t realise they had been colonised until they began seeing roosters everywhere, and from the villages people yelled, ‘Look at the cocks. They are a slightly different colour.’

History repeats itself. I said history repeats itself. We can delete our history, or we can accept it shamelessly. The lesson here is that it is too late for us. We have already been colonised, a word which means to be taken from behind in the behind. We have been cleaned out by the new invaders - by those big people from those summits they have every year to decide what happens next year. We asked for opinions from experts who study our societies in the form of cycles. The historians / part-time delivery drivers gave us some valuable information. Mrs Hickman, aged 58, had been studying cycles for over 75 years concerning the cycles of history for the past 5000 years over the past several months. She had this to divulge discreetly in a loud manner:


“The experiment was rather simples. I tooks two wild children from a park and placed them in a tent with a tennis ball and a seven pound note. The childrens exchanged the ball by playing a game of catchie. When one kiddle had the ball and the money, she got boredtired of it, so she gave it to the other sprat. When the other child got tired of playing with the ball and the money, she gave it back to her friend. The exchange kept on going until both children chose to work together to escape from the tent which I had lined with 100 layers of mosquito netting. Throughout history, we humans have been playing swapsies.”


This paints a bleak abstract splatter art of the future. It seems the world elite will take from us, get bored and then give everything back to us. When we get bored of the game, perhaps we ordinaries will work with the elitists to tear a hole in the fabric of space and leave this universe on our own accord. A man can dream. Later, Mrs Hickman told me that she had made the whole story up, and that she wasn’t a historian after all. In fact, she knew nothing about history, and couldn’t even recall the details of what activities she had partaken in on that particular morning.


But it was already too late. Every major news outlet and source of media pounced on the information and tore it to pieces. Woman attempts to simply define history between the haves and have nots, fails miserably, most of them read. The very next day, a peer reviewed paper said that the woman’s story contained an ‘element of truth’, despite it being made up. The woman had unknowingly told the truth, and because the paper was peer approved, it became factual evidence. Woman we said was talking nonsense actually told the truth, the next headlines read. Full graphic photos, diagrams and graphs presented in the media showed how making stuff up can contain between 1% to 10% truth unknowingly. Psychologists explained that everything that comes into the brain at first is a jumble. We then pick from that jumble and create a story that is somewhat true. Humpty Dumpy and The Three Little Pigs are now commonly referenced due to their high quality yet simple content. There is an element of truth in each story.


Social commentators and psychologists released a statement attempting to explain the woman’s logical thinking. It went like this:


“Basically she said that the elite steal from us, then give back.”


“Life is give and take.”


“This woman is telling the truth, give or take a few words.”


“How much deeper can we analyse a statement?”


“Some people have, most of us don’t.”


A paradigm shift occurred in people, also known as a change of opinion. A new statement drifted around in the bad breath atmosphere of peoples’ word-filled air. We began hearing this:


You’ll own everything, and you’ll be miserable.


A student from the Egpytian University of English in New Delhi created an opposite statement. A Zen Master living in Vietnam confirmed that each positive has a negative, every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction, and that every statement implies its reverse. A family man called Manny Fam famously broke into the Leaders’ Summit and entered the stage, giving the following argument:


(Grand Leader of the Summit)

You’ll own nothing and you’ll be happy.


(Manny Fam)

You’ll own everything and you’ll be miserable.


(Grand Leader)

That…that is partially correct. Are you a politician?


(Manny Fam)

I just made it up.


(Auditorium audibly gasps)


(Grand Leader)

I suppose that if we own everything, we have nothing left to collect. So then you will have nothing, and you won’t be able to buy any of our products, and our production of needless items will cease, putting us out of business, and forcing us to give everything back to you.


(Manny Fam)

Then you will give all of our possessions back to us.


(Grand Leader)

That is correct.


(Gasps as Manny Fam gives the Grand Leader his watch. The Grand Leader examines the watch)


(Grand Leader)

This watch now belongs to me. Oh, I’m tired of it already. Here, take it back.


(Manny Fam)

No, you keep it.


(Grand Leader)

No, you take it.


(Anonymous Female)

I will smash this watch.


(Autidorium audibly gasps again as a woman snatches the watch and crushes it under her heels)


(Grand Leader)
Now the watch has ceased to be.


(Manny Fam)

Our troubles are over.


Papers and internet news sites ran countless articles with new headlines:


Woman proves that Covid doesn’t exist if we forget about it.

  • The Daily Basis


Have, have not, neither have nor have not

  • Peking Into Reality


Stop looking at media, have no knowledge, Covid bye bye

  • The Evening Same


I interviewed a senior fellow from the fellowship of the University of Wise Fellows. The 77 year old Thomas Plainsight, a veteran teacher and chalk user, revealed the following to me:


“There are three options. We have everything, we have nothing, and there is nothing to get. Similarly with Covid, we are all sick until proven innocent, or none of us are sick and we have no belongings, or the third way, Covid doesn’t exist.”


This woman’s single rebellious act led to the creation of Covid deniers - a large group of humans who switched off the internet, stopped listening to politicians and government advice, and carried on as if there was no pandemic. A senior spokesperson revealed how the idea works:


“There is no evidence that Covid really exists. Only on a screen filled with pixels do we see dire warnings and heed them. We don’t even have a real picture of the virus. Hence, we choose to believe that it isn’t in reality. Covid is here, Covid is not here but somewhere else, and finally what we have realised - Covid doesn’t exist. It only exists in our minds and on screens. You ask any doctor and they will just tell you to stay at home - a code phrase that means don’t ask questions.”


Global leaders met together and realised they had been forced into doing the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the…wait. If it cannot be imagined or thought, then how could it really appear in our reality? Nonetheless, secret documents revealed that leaders decided to make Covid real in our world, and not just in our minds.


Everywhere on the planet, giant inflatable models of the circular virus appeared, as did humongous blown up needles, zombified faces and people randomly collapsing in the street. Doctors discovered the criteria for Covid to exist, they matched it with the symptoms of every known virus on the planet, and labelled everyone as automatically being infected, thus cementing the virus in everyone’s imagination as real.


“People always get sick and infected with anything these days. The trick to making Covid real again was to make the virus fit the criteria for every other known virus, and simply label people as having Covid without testing them for the flu, a cold, or anything else except for Covid.”


- Dr Gunther Sweetness, University of Schlogenblogenshplitzen


Suddenly, parachutes failed to open on skydivers. They died of Covid. A man drove his car at 200mph directly into a rock. The cause of death? Covid. A man ate a twenty year old prawn and vomited himself out of his own body. Covid was the cause of death.


“There you have your evidence that Covid exists. People everywhere are dying of this virus. Just look at the giant needles and the zombification around you. The evidence is plain to see. Now it cannot be denied, and therefore we will take all of your stuff until you have nothing. Perhaps we will get miserable because we have everything, but that is a risk we are willing to take.”


Officials went one step further over the sanity line. A team of 1000 astronauts tattooed ‘COVID IS HERE’ onto the full moon. Media ran headlines cementing Covid into our reality:


Are you convinced yet? (Photo of the tattooed full moon)

Moon cries out, confirms cases of COVID. Lunar variant discovered.








Now we can never forget. Look at the moon’s sad sickface.


And shortly afterwards, the unimaginable came into our consciousness and became part of our reality once we considered the possibility of its existence. We started to lose everything. Jobs. Money. Property. Weight. We lost it all. Then came the repercussions of giving away our things, and our worst nightmares appeared when we were awake. I leave you with the few chosen words of a philosopher tired of life. Shanshek Shanshok said the following, confirming that despite taking everything from us, it wasn't enough for them. Now they would come for our souls:


“And as if one virus wasn’t enough,

And as if we couldn’t be convinced enough,

They ran the Humpty Dumpty nightmare story on us,

And the Covid Variant was born.”


Submitted: January 05, 2022

© Copyright 2022 Richard C. Parr. All rights reserved.

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