What the Hell: Covid-19 Part 5

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Part 5 of 3: Cureporn and Travel

 

What the Hell: COVID-19

 

Part 3

 

Cureporn and Travel

 

Throw off the shackles and the restraints,

Take off your clothes and yell with pride,

m on the train!

 

Old English Proverb

 

In times of disease, the first thing people will do is try and infect each other. Then they will panic and frantically search for a cure. - the words of the ancient English warlord Bardon the Bottomfluff still ring true today. Sadly Bardon died after mistakenly tattooing the inside of his body. When doctors tore him open like packaging, a giant eagle flew out of his stomach and savaged everyone in the medical tent. Yet this pointless anecdote can be applied to our situation today. We got over panicking and despair, and then we began searching for a cure. If youre reading this a hundred years from now, you are one of the lucky few surviving humans being hunted by hybrid deer and genetically modified squirrels, trying to claim dominance on a planet filled with plastic and zombievampwarlocks.

 

The first attempts at finding cures for Covid were primitive. The Americans tried injecting themselves with bleach, which cleansed their bodies, made them fluorescent and smell like lemons, but the cure was largely ineffective, because over 99% of the population was not sick. The British and some Europeans injected themselves with a mixture of antibacterial soap, cat litter and sea water. Pacific Islanders bit the heads off wild dogs and quickly sucked out the brains while the creatures were still alive, only to get Covidrabies and suffer a frothy toothpaste death moments later. This phase of open minded experimentation became known as Cureporn. Everywhere we looked, on the internet and under sofas, we found videos, leaflets, masspedia pages and wacky alchemists experimenting with household items and advising us to knock back mouthwash and suck on a dog to cure potential Covid.

 

A family from Austria placed hanging baskets of herbs on their ears to ward off

 

 

predatory bacteria, only to attract flies. A man in Tajikistan invented an enlargement gun to blow up Covid spores and proteins. When he missed his target, he accidentally enlarged tonnes of wasps and bees, resulting in the great Sting War of 2020, where at least a hundred humans disappeared and ended up floating in rivers of honey.

 

A geekonoid in Mexico tried something similar. One day he travelled to the legendary pyramid at Methylpixeltotal. Aiming his gun at the pyramid in an attempt to absorb its energies, he accidentally manifested a super being with the head of a hawk and the body of a pixel bodybuilder. It took a team of thirty scientists, a hundred police officers and one helibomber to take down the maddened warrior God, who had prematurely awoken from his cyclical hibernation.

 

It seemed that Cureporn experimentation was only leading to more death, unravelling of ancient earth secrets and desecration across the globe. What we needed was common sense. A team of scientists in Antarctica discovered Covid three miles beneath the ice. Bringing the virus to the surface, they simultaneously discovered an ancient race that had been living down there as recently as three months ago. Using modern techie tech, we translated their primitive symbol drawings into a language we now understand as s scribble. These indigenous snowlanders gave us advice on how to beat the virus, including a list of possible cures and a list of items to give to them from the nearest supermarket:

 

Official list made by the indigenous undiscovered until now people of Antarctica buried beneath the ice. We prescribe the following to the other tribes of humanity as definite cures for their self-made virus:

 

Beer and tobacco

Television and all media

Bleach

Vitamin C in insanely high quantities

Plutonium

Your local pastor, priest or government sponsored figurehead

Cholesterol

Horse paste

 

Here is our list of required items:

 

 

 

Coffee, tea, biscuits, vegetables and condoms

 

A local Wisconsin community leader Ted Bear had this to say:

 

We always suspected that the things designed to kill us would actually protect us from the virus - especially horse paste. Vitamin C doses may have turned us orange, but it was the horse paste that claimed our victory. Despite growing long hair, giant teeth and developing the ability to jump fences - which set a new world record in the high jump - we didnt mind the consequences. None of us contracted Covid. But many of us got animal diseases after developing horns and trotters.

 

eating dairy, in order to get herd immunity. Vegetarians and vegans interpreted this as dont eat cows or goats, from which comes cheese and other delicious creamy body milks. The vegetarians fought the vegans in a war of yoghurt and won, leading to a mutated vanilla ice-cream taking over dairy farms. The uptake in vitamin C consumption led to the lemon and orange riots, where millions of individuals who identify as citrus fired their pips at authorities, ultimately leading to their unfortunate massacre. Still, there was no cure in sight for Covid.

 

Three months later, the Antarctic scientists discovered the list made by the snowlanders was in fact a joke and a trick on humanity. As an act of revenge, armies deployed plutonium under the ice and turned the indigenous race into popsicles and green sharkoloids. The Society for Indigenous Preservation of Undiscovered Lands deemed this act a crime against huge manatees, and called for the Antarctic expedition to be flamed out of existence.

 

With Covid already on its third wave around the planet, our authorities panicked for the twelfth time. By June 2020, most countries had shut down their airports. Claire Sinclair, a traveller going from Australia to India, shared her story with us about her experiences at the airport:

 

It was one disaster after another. I arrived at the airport with my husband, who I had rescued from a zoo just a year before. We got through security. I went into the scanning machine. I forgot to take off my watch and necklace, so I had to go inside again. Upon arriving at the gate, I looked at the big display board. Flight after

 

 

flight had been cancelled. Security grabbed me and my husband and they placed us in a glass cage. They tested us for Covid by giving us a meal and allowing us to stand up and go to the toilet. Within an hour, our results came back. We had both tested positive. My husband was terrified. He jumped out of the facility and grabbed on to the overhead lights in the airport terminal. He swung freely all the way outside, where he entered a cargo plane that then departed and took off. I watched hoards of people arriving and being shipped off to undisclosed facilities. They mainly had brown skin. Everyone else was also separated by colour, race and background. Then what happened next Ill never forget. They made us walk backwards, out of the airport, to our cars or the trains or buses, and the trains and buses and cars travelled backwards, until I reached my house. I think they were trying to rewind time. I looked online and saw that all of the airports were closed. Now my husband had landed in India, and I read their local news website. An orangutan was on the loose. It was him. He was desperately trying to find a flight back to Australia. Fortunately my husband returned through the forest and seized a boat to sail back to Australia. They imprisoned him upon arrival. I had to rescue him from the zoo again. These are just some of the horrors we face on a daily basis.

 

s horror story matches with several other people who have animals for husbands or wives. Nobody expected the airports and borders to abruptly close without prior warning. The plane I was on was forced to land in the ocean. We paddled for days armed only with an inflatable dingy and a whistle. Dolphins off the coast of California kindly picked us up and we sailed on their fins back to the shore.

 

We know that rich people and societies arent affected by Covid. People like us cannot get infected. So its time to close our borders to third world countries and individuals. They are non-essential people doing non-essential travel. Meanwhile our billionaires and business tycoons may travel wherever necessary. I would definitely class an African safari or a beach party as essential travel.

 

- Prime Minister Trevor Trier, June 15th, 2020.

 

travel bubble for the first time. President Sarah Turkey described how it would work:

 

 

 

When you arrive at the airport, you will enter a large soap and water enclosure. The bubble is strong and reinforced, and made with our latest technology. You will then separate into individual bubbles. Once on the aircraft, the plane itself will be enclosed in its own bubble. Should this bubble pop, our air force will intervene and fighter planes will spray the aircraft with soap and disinfectant to reproduce another bubble. Upon landing, should the bubble break, the aircraft will be forced to park in farmland. Please do all you can to make sure that your bubbles dont break.

 

t envisioned was the mass popping of bubbles, either accidentally or deliberately. Nor could she have envisioned the sudden gusts of wind that affected this one particular family on vacation:

 

We took a holiday to Malaga in the south of Spain. After two days, we were already tired of our bubbles. No physical contact with our kids. No touching my wife. No swimming for obvious reasons. Bubbles have a habit of coasting away on the water. What we hadnt foreseen was the terrible storms that week. My family and I rose from the balcony in a miniature tornado. We travelled at approximately 200 kilometres per hour over the beach area. A fighter pilot report seeing us at 5,000 feet travelling at 300 kilometres per hour. When we landed in Morocco, the locals kindly popped our bubbles and offered us peppermint tea and a range of carpets to buy. Hours later, the Spanish navy had to rescue us and seal off the entire area in a gigantic bubble. It was the worst holiday we had ever had. But we will definitely consider going to Morocco again.

 

When news reporters appeared on TV in giant bluish see-through bubbles, the global population felt distressed and weirded out. Strangers sought solidarity through their identical predicaments, forming double trouble bubbles, and merging bubbles together to create one massive bubble of solidarity. The police had a strategy to deal with the protesters and the dissidents:

 

We used the soaping technique. We covered the streets in a mixture of soap and water to ensure efficient sliding. Then we released hundreds of yellow hollow ducks. The people filled their pants when they saw the ducks sailing towards them. We eventually gently slid the assailants back into our custody and gave them towels at police stations nationwide.

 

 

 

- Police Sergeant Nick Bookem

 

Global societies introduced one-week-long travel periods, without the need for bubbles, due to the damage and cleanliness they had caused. The Japan to Hong Kong travel period sale launched online on June 28th, 2020, and lasted only for 24 hours, which came as a shock to everyone who had expected the travel period and booking time to last for a week. Thousands were stranded in Osaka, Tokyo and in Hong Kong, and placed in holiday booking camps, where they remained for 4 weeks until they were confirmed to be healthy. Citizens complained of the con-trick to lure people into spending money just to go to an imprisonment camp.

 

This idea caught on in many other countries, and Europeans and North Americans suffered the same fate. There was a travel grace period. People booked tickets. They travelled to other countries and landed. While they had been airborne, all foreign travel was suddenly cancelled, causing them to be stateless and illegal immigrants before landing. Upon landing, they went to jail before returning to their home countries. George Potter recalls his experience:

 

We landed in Argentina. When we arrived at the hotel, it was gone. In its place was an abandoned apartment block awaiting detonation. The actual hotel had been raised on hydraulic robot legs and had positioned itself somewhere in Peru. When we got to Peru, the hotel had moved again, this time to Panama. We gave up the chase and went home, where the authorities imprisoned us for illegally travelling abroad, and then we returned home, determined never to be scammed again.

 

In July 2020, airlines, bus operators and cruise ships offered top holidays at discounted prices. Here is an example of a cruise ship operator just torturing people with its wild advertising campaign:

 

Mermaid of the Seas presents CRUISES TO NOWHERE. Contactless, landless, joyless cruises! Come with us as we take you around your home country in a complete circle. Use binoculars to see foreign countries just beyond your reach. Maximum social distancing required. A prison holiday youll never forget.

 

One bus tour by Superstar Warmseats Operators involved leaving the bus park, travelling in a circle around the city and returning half an hour later, along with the

 

 

Lets look at where you couldve gone!

 

Letspray Airlines took three hundred people across the sea, performed a one-eighty turn, and landed again at the same airport. Pilots advised passengers to pretend they were arriving at their dream destination. The airline went as far as to reopen a closed airport and line it in palm trees and dressed mannequins with fixed smiles. A spokesperson for the airline said the following:

 

Unprecedented times call for extreme measures. We gave our passengers a cold in-flight meal of steak with coffee gravy, a free drink of warm metallic water, and passengers dropped coins into slots by their chairs to keep the engines running. The pilot was completely quiet, and we closed all of the windows to stop the sun from shining in. We landed half an hour late and taxied to the wrong terminal, and we made the passengers wait another hour before they could get off the plane. We wanted to give our passengers the most realistic flying experience they would ever have.

 

With the closure of airports, and some airports running at ten percent normal capacity, some runways were used by drag racers. Some planes were spotted taking the highways to get away for a few months until things had settled down. Some countries even created - airports that appeared to be operating, but in fact they were on a one-hour time tloop, repeating their processes every sixty minutes. Countries hired thousands of actors to pretend to be shoppers, tourists, airport personnel, flight crew and pilots.

 

We needed something to do, otherwise we wouldve died from stiffness and thinking. We made the airports seem as though they were operating normally. One couple arrived sincerely hoping to fly. We made them board a plane before taking them off and dropping them at lost luggage.

 

Flan Sweekle, Chief of Airport Operations, undisclosed location.

 

The idea caught on quickly around the world, creating new jobs in the hospitality and entertainment sector. Cafes, restaurants, local businesses and major office complexes all hired actors to provide a repetitive one hour loop of business. Customers were hugely satisfied, despite not being able to buy anything. People walking in circles, repeating the same lines over and over, kitchens cooking the

 

 

same food and people constantly typing, photocopying and texting. It all represented reality and normality as closely as possible. An employee from an IT company sent us the following sheet of paper from her fake job:

 

June 30th, 2020

 

Dear ejorijroijgro

 

Sfsdigjogijr. Ijkgj dkjd wori g rigjrgj jj eoerorioi fokjwoofeo.

 

Dsfjskje w w g totioie woiewrwoq odd fkoxone eojgj eoeroie.

 

Foweowosidko?

 

Adabab,

 

Jjjjjjjkkkkkk.

 

Regional Manager.

 

carrying on as normal, as if there was no virus, just like this guy:

 

You dont understand the importance of the repetitive work hour. We needed something to do, or we wouldve got Covid. Have you ever been so bored, you have contemplated sticking a pen up your nose and into your brain, just out of curiosity?

 

- Michael Pun, Desk Sitter.

 

However, no matter who we turned to or where we looked for answers - past, present, future or intense future fantasy, dreams or warped alternative realities, we couldnt see a way out of the madness. We gave up on cures and we gave up on travel. We started looking for things to prevent the virus that had already come. We couldnt travel back in time, but we used the next closest possible thing to time travel: vaccinations. We coined, minted and distributed a new phrase: the new normal.

 

 

 

Was this the real end? Only the virus could tell. But the virus couldn't speak.

 


Submitted: January 05, 2022

© Copyright 2022 Richard C. Parr. All rights reserved.

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