What the Hell: COVID-19 Part 6

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Part 6: The Variant.

Just when we thought we had defeated Covid, it came back like a real life computer game boss, now stronger and smarter and more evolved than ever, with new weapons.

What the Hell: COVID-19

Part 6


The Variant


Many of us breathed a sigh of relief in December 2020. The Christmas season came, and things were unusually quiet. It seemed as if Covid was slowly drifting out of everyone’s awareness. They hadn’t cancelled Christmas after all, even though they advised us to forget about it. Many of us wore hazmat suits as we collected our pine trees, spraying hand sanitizer as a precaution and wearing three pairs of rubber gloves  to handle the infected trees. Once we had finished setting up our trees on the roof, or in the driveway, we took off our gloves to reveal extreme burns and irritation caused by the hand sanitizer. Many of us were left with pixelated fingers and thumbs.


“It’s over,” we said to ourselves. “I checked in on the app to go into the stores and buy presents during my one hour allotted time period. Thankfully I can relax and enjoy Christmas Day with decontaminated beer while wearing a full face shield in front of the infected TV. Santa will arrive wearing a mask and standing at a safe distance from our door to greet the children, safely and contactlessly handing over their presents with a mild mannered fist or elbow bump.”


We got drunk at Christmas and woke up on New Year’s Day, only to be witnesses to a new horror story being generated out of an AI brain. It had been discovered. It was back. It was fiercer and scarier than ever. Like an upgrade. Like a variant.


“It’s Covideltasarsaids,” said the news reporters on every channel. “It’s worse than before, and we just discovered it.”


Chris Topher, a  bear surfer from California, had been on an unusual New Year’s Eve walk through the forest, probably getting away from his family for a while. He shared his horrific story on mainstream news:


“I had just come down from surfing a bear and I was taking off my boots and board. As I was sitting down, I saw a flash of something in the corner of my eye. I yelled but there was no response. I looked around and the flash appeared once more. It was green and round, with proteins and spikes launching themselves from its spherical outer skin layer. Seeing it close up, I instantly knew what I was looking at. They promised us that vaccinations would stop it. They promised us it was going away. I had already written out all of 2021. My mind began erasing the future, year by year. I suddenly realised that the world had stopped in late 2019. Either we were living in an alternate reality, or this was a mutation the likes of which nobody had ever seen before, except when it was predicted in movies or in cartoons.”


Chris captured the mutated Covid thing on video. Zooming in a million times, it was clear that the virus had grown in size. If it came flying into you, it would feel as if you had been struck by a small mushroom. Just one touch would plaster you with Covid spores. 


Governments made phone calls to scientists, scientists made phone calls to other scientists, and those scientists returned their governments’ calls. It was finally official. 2021 was already over:


“We’re calling it the variant. It is a variation of Covid. It is the same virus, but bigger. We can’t see it. We can’t feel it. But as I speak, people everywhere are probably already dropping to the ground, gasping and writhing in invisible pain. This variant is more contagious and much more deadly, which means we will have to begin researching it now to find out exactly what it is, who it will target, and where it will strike first or second. Will it follow the bus and train routes? Will it fly on cheap airlines? We have started a vaccine rollout. This variant is smart. It knows the vaccines don’t work, even though they do. As it evolves, we must evolve. Either we become lizarddwarffrogs, or we have to keep on making more vaccines. I urge you today to vaccinate yourself. I urge you tomorrow to have second thoughts about what you’ve done, but don’t blame us, we are just trying to help. This variant will be stronger and bigger and deadlier and more inconvenient than the last virus. Stay at home, wear a bigger mask, guard your face and crotch.”


  • President Allen Key, in an address to the nation, January 1st, 2021


The Variant quickly got to work bypassing personal and social safety procedures, disobeying mask rules, targeting people as they got up from their restaurant tables and went to the toilet, crowding itself on buses, trains, bypassing security at airports, and contaminating the brains of politicians and scientists. People started collapsing on live TV, every time they used the word ‘variant’. Even the word itself was considered a danger, and so its meaning in the dictionary was changed to ‘kdkjfsl’. 


The most sinister trick from this variant was yet to come. People lined the streets for days waiting for a promised mRNA or safe vaccine. That was where the Alpha Beta Gamma Sing Along With Me variant struck first, waiting for people as they exited from having their shots. The vaccines proved to be ineffective, as people got infected from taking the vaccines, allowing the variant to sneak in through tiny holes in the skin’s hummus where the injections were administered. Now people were labelled with having double Covid. Instead of cases going down, cases went up. A politician had this to say on the staggering news:


“Get the vaccination or get infected. Or get both when you get vaccinated. You’re going to get sick anyway, or not, maybe, so there’s no escape. We’re not opening the borders for travel until everyone has got sick, or everyone is vaccinated. Then with the virus in our bodies, we can reopen the borders and travel like ants leaving a nest.”


  • Mike Priest, local representative for Sanity West


“The reason for why this variant is spreading at a rapid speed is twofold: people refuse to get sick, and people refuse to infect themselves. The quicker we can all get infected, the quicker we can return to the normal of the past twenty years, except we will look slightly greyish.”


  • Alice Cuttemup, The Institute for Medical Experimentation Done Under the Table


Scientists researching time discovered an anomaly created by the virus. While following linear time maps and checking their watches, they found that we had somehow miraculously stopped going forwards in time from December 2019:


“It’s marvellous and peculiar. Even though we are now living in January 2021, the real time and date is still December 2019. Had this virus been discovered or created before the turn of the century, we quite literally could have partied like it was 1999. We may require ten years of catching up to do in the space of one year. We are looking for a way to fast-forward time so we can work ten times faster, create a blur in our space time continuum, and cope with living in a world that looks as though it has been cruelly smudged.”


  • Canister Unsealed, Scientist at the State Research for What’s Up


A bunch of people in a Belgian village decided to try out this experiment for themselves. They sealed food and other items inside a time capsule box, burying it in the ground in January 2021. When they dug it up one month later, their findings were incredible.


“The hashtags that were trending then are still trending now. The same shows are on TV. Channels repeat the same movies. Some of January’s movie releases are still in the cinemas. People are still addicted to their phones and technology. And this food has aged ten times faster. This proves conclusively that we are in fact stuck in time. In one month, nothing has changed in the world.”


  • Frank Furter, Belgian Community Leader


Frank Furter’s fanatic findings unsettled researchers in secret underground bases, who had been privately testing random captured humans for subtle changes. During their tests, they confirmed that the world was in fact still stuck in 2019, yet our bodies were ageing faster due to the stress caused by Covid restrictions. A study estimated that we were in fact ageing five times faster than normal. If the studies prove conclusively factual, most humans would be dead before the year 2030:


“We have between 10 to 50 years left to live, according to our research. Time will remain constantly in the now. The year number may change, but time as we know it has stopped. That means food cannot grow. Water will go stale. Our next crisis will be about food and water shortages. Sadly, this also means that the virus will not change. It will stay the same, with a different name or variant every year. So we must learn to live with it, and accept that time has stopped. We are doing everything we can to solve this problem and return the world and time to its normal rate, including working two days a week and being at home in the daytime. We have tried working from home, but there’s not much we can do with a kettle and a saucepan. We need real equipment, like spoons and bowls.”


Officials discussed that, if there was a way we could reverse time, it might save us from untimely death. Medical experiments included putting people in offices with  clocks, banning watches, and resetting the TV alarm every day by turning the main power off. But what if there was a cheaper,  more efficient, smarter way to solve the problem of imminent premature ageing followed by certain death?


“We had to forget about the virus. We had to continue like it wasn’t there. Perhaps by continuing to vaccinate the population, we could make something up, like fantasising about beating the virus, and so life goes on. It was a stupendously daft idea, and it might just have worked. It kind of did.”


  • Gemma Dilemma, Health and Safety Department


And that’s what we did. We decided to carry on with our lives, and stop stopping time just for tiny inconveniences like a mutated cough cold. We tried our best. We travelled again. We opened our borders. Sports continued. Business ensued. People returned to work, but most of them didn’t. And so time gradually caught up with us, and due to an increase in our metabolic rate and body random activities, and less restrictions causing lower rates of stress, we successfully slowed our ageing. We breathed a huge sigh of relief into our masks and infected ourselves again. However, that didn’t stop the variant from creating more variants of variants. By April 2021, we had between 4 to 600 known variants of Covid, but thankfully, none of them threatened the passing of time, and none of them aged us. 


“I remember it was a strange feeling, being allowed to go outside for the first time in 18 months, without wearing a mask. The streets were abandoned. The dates still read December 2019, though I knew time was beginning to catch up with us. It didn’t feel like anything had happened in a year and a half. Sadly we would have to work three times as fast in order to catch up with the present date, and so I knew my body would be eviscerated. At my age, I can only manage one 200 kilogram deadlift, and a deadlift is what the paramedics would do to me if I worked out too much. Still, things were getting better, and I never looked younger. Because I aged rapidly.”


  • Doris Dormant, 85, from Ireland


And so we began to move on, and then went back in time and brought in restrictions, and then decided to open our countries and try to move on again, several times, over the space of just over a year. We had lived ten years in one year, while in real time progress, we were advancing at the rate of one year every ten years.


By September 2020, or thereabouts somewhere, the majority of the planet’s population got vaccinated, not once, but twice (and there are more to come). Booster jabs came in the  form of anal injections which speeded up time, to get us to work three to five times faster to catch up with technology, which was now becoming self-aware and processing information faster than us. It was a race against the robots, ourselves, and the virus. Yet one thing was for certain. We didn’t know about the consequences of getting vaccinated more than seven times.


In the final part, we will look at the future and what we expect to come, having been turned into spike protein junkies. What are the consequences of our actions? What will the virus turn into? As the madness starts to unravel, we are beginning to see a future none of us could have imagined would come true.


Submitted: January 07, 2022

© Copyright 2022 Richard C. Parr. All rights reserved.

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