Devourer

Reads: 545  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 8

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is a major rework of a previous story chapter I started a long time ago. I'm only posting it here long enough to get some feedback and constructive critique as to what works and doesn't work. And also for a possible entry into a contest. The title is a working title based on the mythology being built in the book.

Table of Contents

Rest, Interrupted


John is interrupted from his rest by an unknown entity.
Read Chapter

Rushing In


John has gone through the portal. Mystery and darkness surround him. What is this new realm, and how will he cope?
Read Chapter

Rain and a Lady

    Chapter 3 Finding that robed bastard meant everything right now. Sleep, rest, and life—the culmination of so ... Read Chapter

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Recent Comments

llywrch

A good start to your work, although there's no hook--if you subscribe to the theory a book needs to start with one.

A bit of mystery about the protagonist: who he is, why he is where he is, why he has trouble sleeping. I don't know if these questions need to be addressed so early in the novel, but it is something to keep in mind.

I'm guessing the spectral visitor is Death. Not to say that he/it is, but that's my expectation. Make of that what you will.

Sun, January 16th, 2022 1:31am

Author
Reply

I don't believe every story needs a super strong hook to draw you in. Sometimes, it can be more subtle. In this case, I'm trying to use the quote up top to build a level of intrigue before diving into the actual narrative. If I had to say what my hook is here, it would be the lore itself. Probably not the best approach, but it's worth a try given the scope of depth I intend to dive into later.

By making the lore the hook, I can draw a person in bit by bit and surround them in my world. I may adjust it, but this is why I posted it here to get some extra feedback on this approach.

The spectral visitor isn't Death, but I can see the resemblance with how I've portray it.

Thanks for the read, IIywrch.

Sat, January 15th, 2022 6:40pm

llywrch

My comment about "no hook" was meant tongue-in-cheek. Some insist on this, but IMHO as long as the opening is strong & confident there should be no problem.

Mon, January 17th, 2022 7:52am

FromBlackToViloet

Once Ive been reading a bit with a writer’s writing style I tend to pick up on things. What I noticed you really good at is subtle imagery, it’s like a everything the character is doing is showing throughout its movements. Already, could detect the main character I can detect is an introvert with a sense of a biting retort in the tone of the story. I like the premise with the foreshadowing of the book, like you have subtle clues John ain’t going to be having a peaceful night soon. I always love sitting in my room with a Starbucks coffe or boba tea in my hand and just quietly reading.
I am curious about this creature I almost thought for a moment is it figment of his imagination bc he seems to struggle sleeping. Dreams tend to interesting things. Of course this creature can be real of course! I did laugh at John’s witty commentary throughout the encounter first a bit afraid and then just annoyance of this creatures antics. I also the methaphors you put in here. Nicely done, you have a good start with the premise here. It was to the point, didn’t drag and got right into the nitty gritty of the story

Tue, January 18th, 2022 6:05am

Author
Reply

Generally, V, every writer should be telling a story by showing the actions. I used to be exposition heavy with my stories, but I've managed to back it off to about 20-30% of my stories if possible.

This particular chapter is a re-imagining of a previous novel that I finished on Booksie but no longer is available. I'm currently rewriting it at the suggestion of a beta reader I have. A lot of elements to that novel are being enhanced and developed further, especially since the novel is being split into 2 novels now.

I'm testing the waters here with this new rendition. Critical feedback for this one is being weighed against the previous beginning.

Thanks for the read and comment.

Tue, January 18th, 2022 2:52pm

G.P.Sharp

I'm loving the beginning of this; the intrigue and mysticism of the antagonist, the excellent cosmic and dream-like imagery, and the fast pace of the story are all hitting those flags for a fun fantasy adventure.
I am curious about the setting of this world right away (as he mentions the military and a Colt, I'm assuming this is an alternate Earth), and the lore quotes are one of favorite troupes of the genre when done well, and you definitely did well with it.
I will say that the villain conveniently being the same, or perhaps the same, as a character from a book that John just recently began reading feels a bit on the nose (it seems like it would feel less sudden, and more purposeful, if it were a book he had for while, perhaps childhood), but I can't necessarily say that it is unsatisfying without seeing where you take the story from here (particularly how you handle John's connection to it; if it turns out it is only taking this form because he read it recently, then it would feel satisfying. However, I think if this creature had been waiting for John specifically for a long time, and John just barely read about what it might be, it would feel a bit. Any other complexity would also change my opinion, so I'll just have to wait and see.)
Other than that, I do have one question: in this world, is magic common knowledge? While I'm sure it will come up relatively soon, I am asking because of a specific thought John had when sizing up his potential burglar. He automatically guesses a cane, which makes sense, but then he also guesses a staff, which would be a weird assumption for him to make if either (a) magic is not known, or (b) if staves are at least not a common weapon for people to use (I suppose it would also just make sense if, in the military, he just often came across a multitude of weaponry, but it just seems odd that anyone, in a gun-toting age, would assume a home intruder is using a martial arts weapon. Seems like the equivalent of assuming nun-chucks or pike instead of assuming a knife or a baseball bat). A small gripe, I know, but for some reason the line really caught my eye.
Overall, I quite enjoy this story's setup, especially the villain. A classic, robed mystical figure with unclear intentions and some powerful, and competent characterizing dialogue. Send me a shout if you post chapter 2 on here!

Wed, January 19th, 2022 2:26am

Author
Reply

You must of read this just before or while I was doing some line editing to it, G.P.

I like this beginning too. That's why I did it this way as it allows me to setup a deeper, richer lore to a story I've already done before. You can think of it as an alternate Earth, but I'm actually basing this first setting as our Earth, early to mid eighties. There's going to be a strong connection between this realm and the realm John is being directed toward.

The lore quote is going to be intrinsically tied to the lore of this first novel, and possibly carried over in portion to the next series of novels I plan to follow up with. Think of the Wheel Of Time but shorter and faster paced, but with almost as much detail.

The book description and the villain, as you've put it, are not going to be the same if I do this right, but it will make you think for a while. I can say this--it is not Death.

Magic is not common knowledge to everyone, especially on Earth, and John is just experiencing his first taste of it here.

The cane or staff situation. I made John guess both, because he's well-versed in a particular skill as well as his military training. Batons, staves, and cane were all options here. I did that to show his level of intelligence and his keen hearing. I just need to polish that portion up so it's a bit more obvious to the reader how he guesses that.

I've already done the base work in another novel. This is the better telling of it, I hope. I might just post a chapter 2 or 3. Stay tuned.

P.S. The title is a working title just in case I haven't clarified that in the summary box.

Tue, January 18th, 2022 7:00pm

Archia

You had a great start. There was just enough information to make me want to know more but it didn't overdo it. I liked that there's a lot of hints about John and his past and whatever this creature is, but it's still very elusive. It gives just enough information to make me curious to want to know what is going on. It seems like they've meet at some point in the past, or something has happened in the past that I want to know about. I think you've developed John's character really well. Even though there's a lot I still don't know about it, I get the sense that you do and those extra things will be revealed to me. I have to say though, I cannot think of anything more disgusting than drinking chamomile tea with milk.
That aside, your start was great. It gave just enough information to make it intriguing without giving away too much.

Sun, March 20th, 2022 5:53am

Author
Reply

Hi Archia, first of all, thanks for the read and the comment.

Without giving away too much, this interaction is the first time John has met this entity. The entity knows John because of its past and how it affected John's world centuries before. Nuff said about that.

As for the chamomile tea and milk, I wouldn't know about the flavor combination there since I've never drunk chamomile tea. I am aware there are some combinations that might be enhanced from the milk, and I'm aware some people do add it as a thickener and flavor enhancer. More so for coffee than tea but it is done by some people. Strange, I know. I'll have to do a bit more research on that aspect to see if it's a possible flavor enhancer or destroyer for that specific tea.
(I've wanted to try some of the different flavored teas just to see if I'd like any of them. Sadly, I've only drank black sweet iced tea for most of my life.)

You're possibly the second or third person that has mentioned the intrigue level of this start. I seem to have nailed this delivery approach. That's pretty sweet considering I'm still learning my style and ability to write good stories. Thanks again.

Sun, March 20th, 2022 9:15am

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