just my life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

something i wrote to get feelings out

What happened to your hand?

“Just a burn”

Are those bruises?

“Just a bump”

What’s that scratch from?

“Just my cat”

 

I don’t have a cat. 

I’m not even that clumsy.

When people ask these questions it’s always some new excuse

Some elaborate or simple reasoning behind the new marks on my body

I can’t actually tell you what’s going on for fear of your criticism

 

But you were doing so well!

“Just a quick back track”

I thought you were okay

“Just a typo. Im fine :)”

Are you okay?

“Just worry about yourself?

 

It seems like when people genuinely care about me, they’re the ones I’d rather not inform of my struggles.

Why bother you when I can just slowly deteriorate on my own?

Let me get my shit together and then we can talk

I’ll be alright in the end

It’s whatever.

 

One finger, two, three around my wrist

Measurements, math, calculations, weight

Spirling into my health and diet

Culture, toxicity, insanity

Hair falling out, puking my guts up

 

You’re so pale

“Just a vitamin deficiency”

Why are your eyes so watery?

“Just allergies”

Why aren’t you eating?

“Just not hungry”

 

Excuses, made up lies, constant avoidance of my issues

I have a problem

But I can’t get the help I need without admitting it

And I can’t

I just can’t. 

 

150, 150, 150

The key number

Get yourself to that weight no matter what it takes

Starve, restrict, avoid, isolate, sleep, throw up

Anything for that end goal

 

Don’t pick me up, I’m too heavy

Don’t touch me, my skin will burn

Don’t try to get me to speak, the voices are too loud

Don’t ask about my life, it’s too complicated

 

Loud, loud, loud it's all I hear

Such thick silence i have to fill it somehow

My brain is never empty but when I zone out it feels like it is

I like the emptiness of sleeping

I like empty

An empty brain, empty stomach, empty notification bar

Nothing, isolation, avoidance, constant thoughts but pushing them away

 

Are you okay?

“Just leave me alone”

Do you need help?

“Just let me live my life”

Stop smoking

“Just don’t even try that one”

 

What I wish I could say, how I really feel, all the words I suppress

I can’t speak too loud or it’ll be too harsh

I can’t let it all out, it’ll hurt them

Why do they care? I’m too far gone

The spiral became a black hole and I’ve been sealed in shut

I’m gone

My life is no longer in my control

 

Just 

Go

Away.

 


Submitted: January 14, 2022

© Copyright 2022 G. Quaglia. All rights reserved.

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